Fidelity
in Marriage and Relationships
As
I first started reading up in preparation for this talk, the majority of the
discourses I found focused on condemning all of the aspects of infidelity. We
all know and understand what those are. We know how devastating adultery and
pornography can be to sacred relationships. We know that small indiscretions
and flirtations can damage precious relationship and lead to serious sin. We
know that unfaithfulness in parents can have lasting effects on children for generations
to come. But, thankfully, I didn’t feel the need, nor could I bear to spend an
entire talk on those things, to, as Jacob put it, enlarge the wounds of those who are already wounded, instead of consoling
and healing their wounds; and those who have not been wounded, instead of
feasting upon the pleasing word of God have daggers placed to pierce their
souls and wound their delicate minds.
Instead
I’d like to focus on what we can do
to build fidelity in our marriages and our family and personal relationships,
including our relationships with ourselves and with God, because when we are
actively, continually, and carefully working to build our relationships, it is
much less likely that we will fall into temptation with respect to them.
Joseph
Smith taught that Happiness is the object
and design of our existence; and will be the end thereof, if we pursue the path
that leads to it; and this path is virtue, uprightness, faithfulness, holiness,
and keeping all the commandments of God. (Teachings, p. 255-256)
While
the world may teach that happiness is a product of the pleasure of outward
circumstances, the Gospel of Jesus Christ tells us that happiness is the
product of personal righteousness. The greater our fidelity to the Lord and to
others, the greater our peace and happiness will be and the more the Lord will
be able to pour out His guidance and blessings upon us. We achieve this by
making and keeping sacred covenants that bind us to the Lord and school us in
becoming like He is.
Meanings
of fidelity:
·
Loyalty
·
Faithfulness
·
Adherence to truth
·
Accuracy and exactness
·
Strict observance of duties and promises
Lasting,
loving relationships of any kind cannot survive without fidelity; without each participant
living so as to earn and retain the trust of others and the approbation of God.
When
I think of fidelity in this light, the 13th article of faith comes
to mind. To me, it provides great practical instruction for how to join our
fidelity to God with our fidelity to others. We Believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in
doing good to all men. To me this embodies fidelity. We start by avoiding
deceit and keeping our promises, being honest, true and chaste. We deepen our
fidelity by seeking continually to do good and be virtuous and kind in all of
our interactions.
We believe all things, we hope all
things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. Do
we trust and hope for the best in others, enduring hard things with them and
lifting them up? There is no fidelity if we abandon others in the hard moments.
If there is anything virtuous,
lovely, or of good report, or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.
Fidelity also requires that we look for the true version of those around us,
seeing them as God sees them and as they can become. When we look for the worst,
compare and compete, criticize and tear down, we are not being true to God, to
each other, or even to ourselves. Ironically, it can be easiest to fall into
this trap with respect to those closest to us because we know them the best and
want them to meet our expectations. But as the Article says, we must seek after
the things that are lovely, good, praiseworthy, or virtuous.
I
struggle with this with my children; at the end of the day, I too often feel
like I’ve spent all of our interactions in breaking up fights and putting out
fires; that my children have received a lot of supposed discipline without a
lot of encouragement. While I do need to let them know when they have made a
mistake, they need to know even more when they have been kind and thoughtful.
Looking for the good in others enables us to see truth, or things as they really are. Then we will see the true, high-fidelity
picture of our loved ones. Ultimately, as we lift each other, all of us will get
closer to God.
In
a 1979 address at BYU, Spencer W. Kimball said: Like some of the very sophisticated
recording equipment I hear in your rooms, we not only
need fidelity at this university, we need high fidelity. We need
great faith on your part, for we live in a time of temptation and opposition.
Allegiance to the straight and narrow path of Christ is crucial, and it has
implications for you far beyond a dress and grooming code or a stated paragraph
of moral behavior. We live in a day when our allegiance is being sorely tested.
Satan is succeeding too well in many places, and he succeeds when he entices
any person to excuse himself in wrong doing. Almost all dishonesty owes its
existence and growth to that inward distortion we call self-justification. It
is the first, and worst, and most insidious form of cheating: We are cheating
ourselves. (“On My Honor,” BYU Address 1979)
*
Bishop Richard C. Edgely: Honesty
is the basis of a true Christian life. For Latter-day Saints, honesty is an
important requirement for entering the Lord’s holy temple. Honesty is embedded
in the covenants that we make in the temple. Each Sunday as we partake of the
holy emblems of the Savior’s flesh and blood, we again renew our basic and
sacred covenants—which encompass honesty. As Latter-day Saints we have a sacred
obligation to not only teach the principles of honesty, but also to live them…
Honesty should be among the most fundamental values that govern our everyday
living.
When we are true to the sacred
principles of honesty and integrity, we are true to our faith, and we are true
to ourselves.
The
world has much to say about what it means to be “true to ourselves,” and it
mostly has to do with being “who you are” in the sense that you shouldn’t have
to try to change anything to gain others’ approval. This can be an insidious
twist on a true principle. We are children of God. We have inherent value, and
all deserve to be loved and treated with kindness. However, being true to our
eternal, divine selves means looking beyond our current state and working
toward reaching our eternal potential. The Plan of Salvation teaches us that
our true self is not a collection of my quirks, habits, and moods, that I put
out on a “take it or leave it basis.” When I am true to myself, I demand more
of myself. I see beyond and work to emulate the Savior, whose life and work
embody what I can become.
As
a character trait, our fidelity grows as we make and keep sacred covenants with
God; those covenants bind us to be true in our treatment of others at all times, in all things, and in all
places that we may be in.
Elder
Joseph B. Wirthlin said of this responsibility: The Saints are to be absolutely without guile in every aspect of their
lives: in their homes and families, Church callings, all business dealings,
and, especially, the private and personal parts of their lives into which only
they and the Lord see.
I suggest that we look into our
hearts and see whether our motives and actions are pure and above reproach and
to see whether we are free of deceit and fraud. Perhaps we can ask ourselves a
few questions. (I’ll list just a few of these
questions, as he lists many):
Are we totally free of guile in our
conversations and associations with our spouses and children so they always
know what to expect and always have unquestioning trust and confidence in us?
Are we satisfied with our personal
standards of integrity, morality, and honesty? Can we say of ourselves, as
Jesus said of Nathanael, that we are without guile?
Elder
Joseph B. Wirthlin, “Without Guile,” April 1998. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1988/04/without-guile?lang=eng&query=true+to+covenants
When
we are true to the Lord and to ourselves, it will not be a huge leap to keep
the covenant to be true to our spouses.
With
respect to marriage specifically, the Lord has set out a clear outline for
spouses in The Family: A Proclamation: Husband
and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for
their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalms 127:3). Parents
have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide
for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one
another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens
wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held
accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.
The family is ordained of God.
Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are
entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father
and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in
family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of
the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and
maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love,
compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.
As
Ezra Taft Benson taught: “Fidelity to
one’s marriage vows is absolutely essential for love, trust, and peace.
Adultery is unequivocally condemned by the Lord.
“Husbands and wives who love each
other will find that love and loyalty are reciprocated. This love will provide
a nurturing atmosphere for the emotional growth of children. Family life should
be a time of happiness and joy that children can look back on with fond
memories and associations” (Ezra Taft Benson, “Salvation—A
Family Affair,” Ensign, July 1992, 2; or student manual, 283).
Before
I go further, I want to emphasize a couple of points, as this subject can be a
sensitive one for many. For the marriage covenant to be honored, both spouses
must be faithful and true to each other and to becoming their best selves. It
is a tried and true principle that you can’t fix a marriage by focusing on the
other spouse’s faults, but it is also true that you can’t fix a marriage alone.
Both spouses must be seeking to make the marriage work, seeking the other’s
well-being before their own, and seeking to put the Lord above all. While I
hope that we won’t focus on the failures of others, I also hope that none will
feel themselves a failure because their best efforts did not change the bad
choices of another. Loving and forgiving does not require enduring abuse or
mistreatment; both spouses must choose to be true to their covenants. Having
spent some time and study on family law and domestic abuse, I have learned that
the same words that can rightly guide and encourage one marriage may make an
abused spouse feel guilt at not being able to fix something out of their
control, or obliged to remain in a harmful situation. I hope that the thoughts
and quotes that I share are taken with that understanding in mind. And for all,
regardless of what may be in our past or even our present, the Atonement is
available and powerful, and things of the past can be made clean and should be
left behind.
Jumping
back in a bit more, as I’ve mentioned, fidelity goes beyond simply avoiding
lying or cheating. It requires a continual building of love and trust. If we
neglect these things, we not only risk our bond with our spouse, but we risk compromising
the trust and growth of our children. It is likely that their own families will
come to reflect what we have exemplified to them to a greater or lesser degree.
* ELDER DURREL A. WOOLSEY, “An Eternal Key” nov
1990 It is absolutely
essential that you set an undeviating course of loyalty and faithfulness to
your companion, to whom you have previously made these very commitments and
promises. The example of your great love and respect for her, the two of you
being as one, will establish a singular guiding strength that your children
will desire to follow. Your voices and actions blending together in a united
front as you teach and lead your little family will be the trumpet with a
certain sound of strength and unity leading to safety. Synonyms of fidelity are allegiance and devotion. They will be critical
supports to your foundation of fidelity.
Then-Elder
Thomas S. Monson gave this advice: As
parents, we should remember that our lives may be the book from the family
library which the children most treasure. Are our examples worthy of emulation?
Do we live in such a way that a son or a daughter may say, “I want to follow my
dad,” or “I want to be like my mother”? Unlike the book on the library shelf,
the covers of which shield the contents, our lives cannot be closed. Parents,
we truly are an open book. Pres. Thomas S. Monson, “Hallmarks of a Happy
Home,” Oct. 1988. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1988/10/hallmarks-of-a-happy-home?lang=eng&query=happiness+the+object+of+our+existence
Much
has been said about how to set this kind of example and continually build a
celestial marriage relationship. Now if this talk wasn’t already enough like a
quote book, it’s about to get worse. Here we go.
To
wives and husbands the Lord has said: D&C 25:14 Wherefore,
lift up thy heart and rejoice, and cleave unto the covenants which thou has
made. Continue in the spirit of meekness, and beware of pride. Let thy soul
delight in thy husband, and the glory which shall come upon him.
D&C
42:22-23 Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her
and none else.
President
Kimball said: It is not enough to refrain
from adultery. We need to make the marriage relationship sacred, to sacrifice
and work to maintain the warmth and respect which we enjoyed during courtship.
God intended marriage to be eternal, sealed by the power of the priesthood, to
last beyond the grave. Daily acts of courtesy and kindness, conscientiously and
lovingly carried out, are part of what the Lord expects” (President Kimball
in Conference Report, Oct. 1978, 7; or Ensign, Nov. 1978, 6).
Here
I think I might add that in addition to giving daily acts of kindness, we
should be careful in recognizing them. Sometimes when I am in one of those moods,
I will get worked up about things that I wish John had done, and I completely
overlook the things that he did do to show that he cares – stopping his studies
to help me with the boys, changing diapers, jumping in to help me when I am
getting stressed out even though he has a lot on his own plate, or taking the
screaming baby when I’m at the end of my rope. We’re at a place where our
wallets can’t afford a lot of flowers and our waistlines can’t afford a lot of
chocolates, but I am finding that the best “I love you’s” can come in much more
mundane ways.
President
David O. McKay said, “There is no great
thing the man or woman can do to keep love alive and healthy, but there are
many little things given daily, and, if possible, hourly—a kind word, a
courteous act, a smile, an endearing term, a sparkle in the eye, an unexpected
service, a birthday greeting, a remembering of the wedding anniversary—these
and a hundred other seemingly insignificant deeds and expressions are the food
upon which love thrives.” (Secrets of
a Happy Life, Englewood Cliffs, N.J.: Prentice-Hall, 1960, p. 18.)
Richard
L. Evans said this: All things need
watching, working at, caring for, and marriage is no exception. Marriage is not
something to be indifferently treated or abused, or something that simply takes
care of itself. Nothing neglected will remain as it was or is, or will fail to
deteriorate. All things need attention, care and concern, and especially so in
this most sensitive of all relationships of life. (Richard L. Evans in
Richard L. Evans’ Quote Book, Salt Lake City, Publishers Press, 1971, p. 16.)
And
President Hinckley: Be loyal in your
family relationships. I have witnessed much of the best and much of the worst
in marriage. Every week I have the responsibility of acting on requests for
cancellation of temple sealings. …I am grateful to be able to say that divorce
is much less frequent with those married in the temple. But even among these
there is far more divorce than there should be.
The bride and groom come to the
house of the Lord professing their love one for another. They enter into solemn
and eternal covenants with each other and with the Lord. Their relationship is
sealed in an eternal compact. No one expects every marriage to work out
perfectly. But one might expect that every marriage in the house of the Lord
would carry with it a covenant of loyalty one to another.
I have long felt that the greatest
factor in a happy marriage is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being
of one’s companion. In most cases selfishness is the leading factor that causes
argument, separation, divorce, and broken hearts.
Brethren, the Lord expects
something better of us. He expects something better than is to be found in the
world. Never forget that it was you who selected your companion. It was you who
felt that there was no one else in all the world quite like her. It was you who
wished to have her forever. But in too many cases the image of the temple
experience fades. A lustful desire may be the cause. Faultfinding replaces
praise. When we look for the worst in anyone, we will find it.
…
Brethren, be loyal to your
companion. May your marriage be blessed with an uncompromising loyalty one to
another. Find your happiness with one another. Give your companion the
opportunity to grow in her own interests, to develop her own talents, to fly in
her own way, and to experience her own sense of accomplishment.
President
Hinckley, “Loyalty,” April 2003. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2003/04/loyalty?lang=eng&query=true+to+covenants
On
another occasion he elaborated: Selfishness
is the antithesis of love. It is a cankering expression of greed. It destroys
self-discipline. It obliterates loyalty. It tears up sacred covenants. It
afflicts both men and women. (Pres. Hinckley, in Conference Report, Apr.
1991, 96; or Ensign, May 1991, 73).
I
am very blessed to have had a wonderful example growing up in my loving, loyal
parents who put each other and us before themselves. They had their share of
trials and troubles, but their love of the Lord and of each other took first
priority and they remained faithful to each other. Though I know they had their
differences at times, I never heard either of them say a disparaging thing
about the other to us or to anyone else.
I
have been really grateful for this example in my marriage. Because I tend to do
a lot of self-deprecating and poking fun at myself, when we were first married
I found myself lumping John in with myself and doing the same with him.
Sometimes I would catch myself and wonder if what I had said may have been
hurtful, and I’ve tried to be more careful. Frankly, I am very lucky that he
really doesn’t give me any material for complaining, but at times it seems like
others make sport of pointing out and laughing at their spouses’ weaknesses or
habits. In those moments I try to make sure that my loyalty remains with John
in the things that I say to others, whether he hears them or not, and whether
it is in jest or not. John has been very considerate in doing the same for me,
and it has meant that we have been able to freely trust each other with our
thoughts, feelings, concerns, and fears, having the confidence that neither
will intentionally hurt the other.
In
a March, 1979 Liahona article, Veon G. Smith pointed out three myths that can
undermine marriages: The
first myth says, “If I have my wedding in the temple, the marriage will take
care of itself.” But it won’t. Marriage is a dynamic interaction between two
growing, changing people, and it requires constant focus on the quality of that
interaction if the marriage is to be close and meaningful. A temple marriage
does not automatically guarantee a celestial marriage—or even a pleasant one.
The second myth says, “If the
marriage is not successful, I should start over.” But success is not an instant
achievement. By definition, marriage is a continuing process, not a final
stage. Consequently, it will be more successful at some points than at others.
Many people want or expect instant success in all dimensions of marriage; if
any aspect seems less than perfect, one despairs and thinks, “I married the
wrong person.” This attitude frequently turns one’s attention toward someone
other than his marriage partner.
The third myth says, “Loving my
spouse does not preclude the possibility of becoming involved with anyone
else.” The task for every married person is to maintain loyalty
and fidelity with one person; the spouse. It is inappropriate to feel
and express to others the same love feelings one expresses to a spouse.
He
continues:
Fidelity, like infidelity, is a
process. Fidelity, the positive quality is measured by the degree of
loyalty, allegiance, and commitment between husband and wife. Infidelity, the
negative quality, results from insufficient feelings of loyalty and allegiance.
Any action that fosters inappropriate relationships with another person
erodes fidelity.
Two souls, united in matrimony, can
achieve spiritual and temporal unity only if they constantly increase their
friendship, love, and loyalty by expressing their feelings verbally, by
maintaining mutual respect, and by demonstrating concern for each other.
…
Like most illnesses, infidelity is
easier to prevent than to remedy, and the best prevention is to work hard at
developing a good marriage. Temple marriage, entered into with a firm
commitment to make the marriage an eternal relationship, is a solid foundation.
Strong personal commitment, not only to one’s spouse, but to the institution of
marriage as it has been divinely ordained, emphasizes the necessity of
faithfulness—not only faithfulness to another person, but faithfulness to our
Father in heaven.
In
closing, I think that desire expressed by Elder Holland sums up how I have come
to view the concept of fidelity: Fidelity
in marriage, and really in any relationship, requires being true both to the
other person and also to ourselves and to the Lord. “May the joy of
our fidelity to the highest and best within us be ours as we keep our
love and our marriages, our society and our souls, as pure as they were meant
to be, I pray” (Jeffrey R. Holland, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/place-no-more-for-the-enemy-of-my-soul?lang=eng&query=fidelity).
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