Feminism and the Church

A great treatise by Bruce and Marie Hafen.

Women, Feminism, and Gender

Covenants: Things that Bear Repeating

Sister Burton shared this in the April Women's Meeting, and it was repeated again Saturday night. It surely bears remembering.

The best way to strengthen a home, current or future, is to keep covenants, promises we’ve made to each other and to God.

That’s what disciples do!

We tend so often to look to Pinterest boards and elaborate ideas to help our families along, but those things don't do much unless we are focused on the basics, on making and keeping sacred covenants with God, and applying the Atonement of Jesus Christ in our lives and families.

Meandering Thoughts on Being A Support

Sometimes I just have to write to sort things out in my brain, so if you bother to read this, you have been forewarned that this is more of me working out some thoughts than a cohesive statement about anything. Also, there in no huge crisis going on in my life, just things that have reminded me that I need to scale back and work on being a foundation for my family.

The word support has been on my mind a lot lately, as there always seems to be a stream of stressful things coming up in life. Sometimes when John is stressed out I have a hard time knowing how to help him, and I also tend to feel guilty for not keeping our home clean and lovely and the children under control all the time. I am no natural-born homemaker to be sure! As I think about my role as a wife, that word support keeps coming back to me. A few perspectives on what it means to support my spouse:

1. The support system in a building, vehicle, or really anything, holds everything up. It gives stability and balance, and allows that thing to carry out its purpose. It is usually hidden, and no one really notices it unless something goes wrong.
2. Support staff in a school or hospital take care of all of the background tasks that facilitate the care and teaching of others. They organize and maintain. They prevent many messes and clean up many more. Again, their jobs go unnoticed by all who don't personally interact with them unless something goes wrong (at which point they get handed a lot of blame).
3. Support can also connote enduring, uplifting, sustaining under trial, supplying necessities of life, upholding, or advocating.
4. Both husbands and wives are counseled in the scriptures and by modern prophets to support one another. We are specifically told that women have claim on their husbands for their support both temporally (D&C 83:2) and in the church (D&C 25:9). And I think that women naturally tend to take on a support role in the home to complement the husband's injunction to provide temporally for the family, but don't always give ourselves credit for our own role and influence and the ways our husbands support us, leading to a martyr complex among many and the modern view that women shouldn't be "just housewives."

For us, part of becoming one as husband and wife has been learning to support one another in our various roles. It requires us to help each other by expressing our desires and needs in loving and timely ways so that we can understand and meet each other's expectations. It requires us to recognize and thank each other for the contributions we each make.  It requires a great deal of give and take when one or the other of us may be struggling, and it requires us to learn to scale back our expectations when we are both struggling.

Like the support structure in a building or the support staff in a school, we tend to overlook the importance of that supporting role until some crisis comes about, and then suddenly we see all the holes in the foundation of our habits. In times of stress it is suddenly clear how unwisely I've used my time, or how I've failed to express frequent love and gratitude, or how letting little things go over time has lead to a lot of extra work and trouble. I think that is why our Church leaders constantly counsel us to pay attention to the basics that comprise the support structure in our lives and families--to evaluate our choices and relationships, and to cultivate love and understanding through regular, planned togetherness where communication can take place under the influence of the Spirit. 

And frankly, being a support for a spouse and family is a whole lot of work, requires a lot of diligence, and can seem thankless at times. I just have to let go of less important things and work, work, work away at the important ones, because in the end that is what upholds us when the trials come along.

My talk on Fidelity in Marriage and Relationships

I gave this talk on Sunday. I left out about 2/3 of the quotes I have here, and of course ended up giving it a bit differently than I wrote it, but the gist is the same.

Fidelity in Marriage and Relationships

As I first started reading up in preparation for this talk, the majority of the discourses I found focused on condemning all of the aspects of infidelity. We all know and understand what those are. We know how devastating adultery and pornography can be to sacred relationships. We know that small indiscretions and flirtations can damage precious relationship and lead to serious sin. We know that unfaithfulness in parents can have lasting effects on children for generations to come. But, thankfully, I didn’t feel the need, nor could I bear to spend an entire talk on those things, to, as Jacob put it, enlarge the wounds of those who are already wounded, instead of consoling and healing their wounds; and those who have not been wounded, instead of feasting upon the pleasing word of God have daggers placed to pierce their souls and wound their delicate minds.

Instead I’d like to focus on what we can do to build fidelity in our marriages and our family and personal relationships, including our relationships with ourselves and with God, because when we are actively, continually, and carefully working to build our relationships, it is much less likely that we will fall into temptation with respect to them.

Joseph Smith taught that Happiness is the object and design of our existence; and will be the end thereof, if we pursue the path that leads to it; and this path is virtue, uprightness, faithfulness, holiness, and keeping all the commandments of God. (Teachings, p. 255-256)

While the world may teach that happiness is a product of the pleasure of outward circumstances, the Gospel of Jesus Christ tells us that happiness is the product of personal righteousness. The greater our fidelity to the Lord and to others, the greater our peace and happiness will be and the more the Lord will be able to pour out His guidance and blessings upon us. We achieve this by making and keeping sacred covenants that bind us to the Lord and school us in becoming like He is.

Meanings of fidelity:

·         Loyalty

·         Faithfulness

·         Adherence to truth

·         Accuracy and exactness

·         Strict observance of duties and promises

Lasting, loving relationships of any kind cannot survive without fidelity; without each participant living so as to earn and retain the trust of others and the approbation of God.

When I think of fidelity in this light, the 13^th article of faith comes to mind. To me, it provides great practical instruction for how to join our fidelity to God with our fidelity to others. We Believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men. To me this embodies fidelity. We start by avoiding deceit and keeping our promises, being honest, true and chaste. We deepen our fidelity by seeking continually to do good and be virtuous and kind in all of our interactions.

We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. Do we trust and hope for the best in others, enduring hard things with them and lifting them up? There is no fidelity if we abandon others in the hard moments.

If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report, or praiseworthy, we seek after these things. Fidelity also requires that we look for the true version of those around us, seeing them as God sees them and as they can become. When we look for the worst, compare and compete, criticize and tear down, we are not being true to God, to each other, or even to ourselves. Ironically, it can be easiest to fall into this trap with respect to those closest to us because we know them the best and want them to meet our expectations. But as the Article says, we must seek after the things that are lovely, good, praiseworthy, or virtuous.

I struggle with this with my children; at the end of the day, I too often feel like I’ve spent all of our interactions in breaking up fights and putting out fires; that my children have received a lot of supposed discipline without a lot of encouragement. While I do need to let them know when they have made a mistake, they need to know even more when they have been kind and thoughtful. Looking for the good in others enables us to see truth, or things as they really are. Then we will see the true, high-fidelity picture of our loved ones. Ultimately, as we lift each other, all of us will get closer to God.  

In a 1979 address at BYU,  Spencer W. Kimball said: Like some of the very sophisticated recording equipment I hear in your rooms, we not only need fidelity at this university, we need high fidelity. We need great faith on your part, for we live in a time of temptation and opposition. Allegiance to the straight and narrow path of Christ is crucial, and it has implications for you far beyond a dress and grooming code or a stated paragraph of moral behavior. We live in a day when our allegiance is being sorely tested. Satan is succeeding too well in many places, and he succeeds when he entices any person to excuse himself in wrong doing. Almost all dishonesty owes its existence and growth to that inward distortion we call self-justification. It is the first, and worst, and most insidious form of cheating: We are cheating ourselves. (“On My Honor,” BYU Address 1979)

* Bishop Richard C. Edgely: Honesty is the basis of a true Christian life. For Latter-day Saints, honesty is an important requirement for entering the Lord’s holy temple. Honesty is embedded in the covenants that we make in the temple. Each Sunday as we partake of the holy emblems of the Savior’s flesh and blood, we again renew our basic and sacred covenants—which encompass honesty. As Latter-day Saints we have a sacred obligation to not only teach the principles of honesty, but also to live them… Honesty should be among the most fundamental values that govern our everyday living.

When we are true to the sacred principles of honesty and integrity, we are true to our faith, and we are true to ourselves.

Oct 2006. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2006/10/three-towels-and-a-25-cent-newspaper?lang=eng&query=true+to+covenants

The world has much to say about what it means to be “true to ourselves,” and it mostly has to do with being “who you are” in the sense that you shouldn’t have to try to change anything to gain others’ approval. This can be an insidious twist on a true principle. We are children of God. We have inherent value, and all deserve to be loved and treated with kindness. However, being true to our eternal, divine selves means looking beyond our current state and working toward reaching our eternal potential. The Plan of Salvation teaches us that our true self is not a collection of my quirks, habits, and moods, that I put out on a “take it or leave it basis.” When I am true to myself, I demand more of myself. I see beyond and work to emulate the Savior, whose life and work embody what I can become.

As a character trait, our fidelity grows as we make and keep sacred covenants with God; those covenants bind us to be true in our treatment of others at all times, in all things, and in all places that we may be in.

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin said of this responsibility: The Saints are to be absolutely without guile in every aspect of their lives: in their homes and families, Church callings, all business dealings, and, especially, the private and personal parts of their lives into which only they and the Lord see.

I suggest that we look into our hearts and see whether our motives and actions are pure and above reproach and to see whether we are free of deceit and fraud. Perhaps we can ask ourselves a few questions. (I’ll list just a few of these questions, as he lists many):

Are we totally free of guile in our conversations and associations with our spouses and children so they always know what to expect and always have unquestioning trust and confidence in us?

Are we satisfied with our personal standards of integrity, morality, and honesty? Can we say of ourselves, as Jesus said of Nathanael, that we are without guile?

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, “Without Guile,” April 1998.  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1988/04/without-guile?lang=eng&query=true+to+covenants

When we are true to the Lord and to ourselves, it will not be a huge leap to keep the covenant to be true to our spouses.

With respect to marriage specifically, the Lord has set out a clear outline for spouses in The Family: A Proclamation: Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalms 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.

The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. 

As Ezra Taft Benson taught: “Fidelity to one’s marriage vows is absolutely essential for love, trust, and peace. Adultery is unequivocally condemned by the Lord.

“Husbands and wives who love each other will find that love and loyalty are reciprocated. This love will provide a nurturing atmosphere for the emotional growth of children. Family life should be a time of happiness and joy that children can look back on with fond memories and associations” (Ezra Taft Benson, “Salvation—A Family Affair,” Ensign, July 1992, 2; or student manual, 283).

Before I go further, I want to emphasize a couple of points, as this subject can be a sensitive one for many. For the marriage covenant to be honored, both spouses must be faithful and true to each other and to becoming their best selves. It is a tried and true principle that you can’t fix a marriage by focusing on the other spouse’s faults, but it is also true that you can’t fix a marriage alone. Both spouses must be seeking to make the marriage work, seeking the other’s well-being before their own, and seeking to put the Lord above all. While I hope that we won’t focus on the failures of others, I also hope that none will feel themselves a failure because their best efforts did not change the bad choices of another. Loving and forgiving does not require enduring abuse or mistreatment; both spouses must choose to be true to their covenants. Having spent some time and study on family law and domestic abuse, I have learned that the same words that can rightly guide and encourage one marriage may make an abused spouse feel guilt at not being able to fix something out of their control, or obliged to remain in a harmful situation. I hope that the thoughts and quotes that I share are taken with that understanding in mind. And for all, regardless of what may be in our past or even our present, the Atonement is available and powerful, and things of the past can be made clean and should be left behind.

Jumping back in a bit more, as I’ve mentioned, fidelity goes beyond simply avoiding lying or cheating. It requires a continual building of love and trust. If we neglect these things, we not only risk our bond with our spouse, but we risk compromising the trust and growth of our children. It is likely that their own families will come to reflect what we have exemplified to them to a greater or lesser degree.

* ELDER DURREL A. WOOLSEY, “An Eternal Key” nov 1990 It is absolutely essential that you set an undeviating course of loyalty and faithfulness to your companion, to whom you have previously made these very commitments and promises. The example of your great love and respect for her, the two of you being as one, will establish a singular guiding strength that your children will desire to follow. Your voices and actions blending together in a united front as you teach and lead your little family will be the trumpet with a certain sound of strength and unity leading to safety. Synonyms of fidelity are allegiance and devotion. They will be critical supports to your foundation of fidelity.

Then-Elder Thomas S. Monson gave this advice: As parents, we should remember that our lives may be the book from the family library which the children most treasure. Are our examples worthy of emulation? Do we live in such a way that a son or a daughter may say, “I want to follow my dad,” or “I want to be like my mother”? Unlike the book on the library shelf, the covers of which shield the contents, our lives cannot be closed. Parents, we truly are an open book. Pres. Thomas S. Monson, “Hallmarks of a Happy Home,” Oct. 1988.  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1988/10/hallmarks-of-a-happy-home?lang=eng&query=happiness+the+object+of+our+existence

Much has been said about how to set this kind of example and continually build a celestial marriage relationship. Now if this talk wasn’t already enough like a quote book, it’s about to get worse. Here we go.

To wives and husbands the Lord has said: D&C 25:14  Wherefore, lift up thy heart and rejoice, and cleave unto the covenants which thou has made. Continue in the spirit of meekness, and beware of pride. Let thy soul delight in thy husband, and the glory which shall come upon him.

D&C 42:22-23  Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else.

President Kimball said: It is not enough to refrain from adultery. We need to make the marriage relationship sacred, to sacrifice and work to maintain the warmth and respect which we enjoyed during courtship. God intended marriage to be eternal, sealed by the power of the priesthood, to last beyond the grave. Daily acts of courtesy and kindness, conscientiously and lovingly carried out, are part of what the Lord expects” (President Kimball in Conference Report, Oct. 1978, 7; or Ensign, Nov. 1978, 6).

Here I think I might add that in addition to giving daily acts of kindness, we should be careful in recognizing them. Sometimes when I am in one of those moods, I will get worked up about things that I wish John had done, and I completely overlook the things that he did do to show that he cares – stopping his studies to help me with the boys, changing diapers, jumping in to help me when I am getting stressed out even though he has a lot on his own plate, or taking the screaming baby when I’m at the end of my rope. We’re at a place where our wallets can’t afford a lot of flowers and our waistlines can’t afford a lot of chocolates, but I am finding that the best “I love you’s” can come in much more mundane ways.

President David O. McKay said, “There is no great thing the man or woman can do to keep love alive and healthy, but there are many little things given daily, and, if possible, hourly—a kind word, a courteous act, a smile, an endearing term, a sparkle in the eye, an unexpected service, a birthday greeting, a remembering of the wedding anniversary—these and a hundred other seemingly insignificant deeds and expressions are the food upon which love thrives.” (Secrets of a Happy Life, Englewood Cliffs, N.J.: Prentice-Hall, 1960, p. 18.)

Richard L. Evans said this: All things need watching, working at, caring for, and marriage is no exception. Marriage is not something to be indifferently treated or abused, or something that simply takes care of itself. Nothing neglected will remain as it was or is, or will fail to deteriorate. All things need attention, care and concern, and especially so in this most sensitive of all relationships of life. (Richard L. Evans in Richard L. Evans’ Quote Book, Salt Lake City, Publishers Press, 1971, p. 16.)

And President Hinckley: Be loyal in your family relationships. I have witnessed much of the best and much of the worst in marriage. Every week I have the responsibility of acting on requests for cancellation of temple sealings. …I am grateful to be able to say that divorce is much less frequent with those married in the temple. But even among these there is far more divorce than there should be.

The bride and groom come to the house of the Lord professing their love one for another. They enter into solemn and eternal covenants with each other and with the Lord. Their relationship is sealed in an eternal compact. No one expects every marriage to work out perfectly. But one might expect that every marriage in the house of the Lord would carry with it a covenant of loyalty one to another.

I have long felt that the greatest factor in a happy marriage is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion. In most cases selfishness is the leading factor that causes argument, separation, divorce, and broken hearts.

Brethren, the Lord expects something better of us. He expects something better than is to be found in the world. Never forget that it was you who selected your companion. It was you who felt that there was no one else in all the world quite like her. It was you who wished to have her forever. But in too many cases the image of the temple experience fades. A lustful desire may be the cause. Faultfinding replaces praise. When we look for the worst in anyone, we will find it.

…

Brethren, be loyal to your companion. May your marriage be blessed with an uncompromising loyalty one to another. Find your happiness with one another. Give your companion the opportunity to grow in her own interests, to develop her own talents, to fly in her own way, and to experience her own sense of accomplishment.

President Hinckley, “Loyalty,” April 2003. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2003/04/loyalty?lang=eng&query=true+to+covenants

On another occasion he elaborated: Selfishness is the antithesis of love. It is a cankering expression of greed. It destroys self-discipline. It obliterates loyalty. It tears up sacred covenants. It afflicts both men and women. (Pres. Hinckley, in Conference Report, Apr. 1991, 96; or Ensign, May 1991, 73).

I am very blessed to have had a wonderful example growing up in my loving, loyal parents who put each other and us before themselves. They had their share of trials and troubles, but their love of the Lord and of each other took first priority and they remained faithful to each other. Though I know they had their differences at times, I never heard either of them say a disparaging thing about the other to us or to anyone else.

I have been really grateful for this example in my marriage. Because I tend to do a lot of self-deprecating and poking fun at myself, when we were first married I found myself lumping John in with myself and doing the same with him. Sometimes I would catch myself and wonder if what I had said may have been hurtful, and I’ve tried to be more careful. Frankly, I am very lucky that he really doesn’t give me any material for complaining, but at times it seems like others make sport of pointing out and laughing at their spouses’ weaknesses or habits. In those moments I try to make sure that my loyalty remains with John in the things that I say to others, whether he hears them or not, and whether it is in jest or not. John has been very considerate in doing the same for me, and it has meant that we have been able to freely trust each other with our thoughts, feelings, concerns, and fears, having the confidence that neither will intentionally hurt the other.

In a March, 1979 Liahona article, Veon G. Smith pointed out three myths that can undermine marriages: The first myth says, “If I have my wedding in the temple, the marriage will take care of itself.” But it won’t. Marriage is a dynamic interaction between two growing, changing people, and it requires constant focus on the quality of that interaction if the marriage is to be close and meaningful. A temple marriage does not automatically guarantee a celestial marriage—or even a pleasant one.

The second myth says, “If the marriage is not successful, I should start over.” But success is not an instant achievement. By definition, marriage is a continuing process, not a final stage. Consequently, it will be more successful at some points than at others. Many people want or expect instant success in all dimensions of marriage; if any aspect seems less than perfect, one despairs and thinks, “I married the wrong person.” This attitude frequently turns one’s attention toward someone other than his marriage partner.

The third myth says, “Loving my spouse does not preclude the possibility of becoming involved with anyone else.” The task for every married person is to maintain loyalty and fidelity with one person; the spouse. It is inappropriate to feel and express to others the same love feelings one expresses to a spouse.

He continues:

Fidelity, like infidelity, is a process. Fidelity, the positive quality is measured by the degree of loyalty, allegiance, and commitment between husband and wife. Infidelity, the negative quality, results from insufficient feelings of loyalty and allegiance. Any action that fosters inappropriate relationships with another person erodes fidelity.

Two souls, united in matrimony, can achieve spiritual and temporal unity only if they constantly increase their friendship, love, and loyalty by expressing their feelings verbally, by maintaining mutual respect, and by demonstrating concern for each other.

…

Like most illnesses, infidelity is easier to prevent than to remedy, and the best prevention is to work hard at developing a good marriage. Temple marriage, entered into with a firm commitment to make the marriage an eternal relationship, is a solid foundation. Strong personal commitment, not only to one’s spouse, but to the institution of marriage as it has been divinely ordained, emphasizes the necessity of faithfulness—not only faithfulness to another person, but faithfulness to our Father in heaven.

https://www.lds.org/liahona/1979/03/warning-signs-of-infidelity?lang=eng&query=fidelity

In closing, I think that desire expressed by Elder Holland sums up how I have come to view the concept of fidelity: Fidelity in marriage, and really in any relationship, requires being true both to the other person and also to ourselves and to the Lord. “May the joy of our fidelity to the highest and best within us be ours as we keep our love and our marriages, our society and our souls, as pure as they were meant to be, I pray” (Jeffrey R. Holland, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/place-no-more-for-the-enemy-of-my-soul?lang=eng&query=fidelity). 

Presiding

I really liked this description of what it means to preside in this article by therapist Randy Keyes from the June 2012 Ensign:

The husband’s patriarchal duty as one who presides in the home is not to rule over others but to ensure that the marriage and the family prosper. President David O. McKay (1873–1970) explained that one day every man will have a personal priesthood interview with the Savior: “First, He will request an accountability report about your relationship with your wife. Have you been actively engaged in making her happy and ensuring that her needs have been met as an individual?”

The husband is accountable for growth and happiness in his marriage, but this accountability does not give him authority over his wife. Both are in charge of the marriage. In righteous marriage councils both spouses share a set of virtues that when applied help them focus on each other.

We can study some of these virtues in Doctrine and Covenants 121:41: “No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned.”


We cannot use the priesthood to assert power and influence. Therefore, we can’t use unrighteous means to establish dominance in marriage. True power comes only when we work together in righteousness and so qualify for blessings from the Lord.

On Eve's Marital Counseling.

This has been on my mind since I am reading the Pearl of Great Price, and it seems fitting for this week. After partaking of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, this is what God told Adam and Eve:

 16 Unto the ^awoman he said, I will greatly ^bmultiply thy ^csorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth ^dchildren; and thy desire shall be to thy ^ehusband, and he shall rule over thee.

 17 And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy ^awife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: ^bcursed is the ground for thy sake; in ^csorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;

 18 ^aThorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field;

 19 In the ^asweat of thy face shalt thou eat ^bbread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for ^cdust thou art,and unto ^ddust shalt thou return.

That phrase, "thy desire shall be unto thy husband" has been sitting in the back of my mind for a while. Those who are looking to find offense against women will say (have said!) that this is God, or organized religion, relegating women to second class. Telling them they must unquestioningly submit to their husband's desires, and that they have no say or power unto themselves. This is so far from what I have been taught in Church and what I have understood from the scriptures! My feelings of late have been more along the lines of what President Kimball described in this April 1978 discourse (a good one on women and the Church!), which echoes a revelation to Joseph Smith recorded in D&C 83:

The scriptures remind us that “Women have claim on their husbands for their maintenance, until their husbands are taken.” (D&C 83:2.) Women also have a claim on their husbands for respect, fidelity, and thoughtfulness for in that subtle, sweet relationship that should obtain between men and women, there is partnership with the priesthood.

I'm sure that this first instruction to Adam and Eve with regards to the mortal world was meant to help them (an us; remember this was recorded by Moses to be instructional to future generations) navigate it as a team. To remain one, as they had been commanded. And that required some division of labor. Eve is told that childbearing is going to be really hard. Her desire was going to be unto her husband. But unto her husband what? For one, I think that he desire was going to be a guide unto her husband. He needed to provide for her needs and wants. To care for her. To be her protector and aid, especially when she was in the vulnerable state of bearing, nursing, and rearing children. I think it is also a reminder to support, sustain, and respect her husband in that providing role, since his job isn't easy either, as his family's sustenance depends on "the sweat of his brow." It may be a reminder for Eve to not try to run the show and do everything, but to let her husband provide and preside as he should. It is a reminder to both that they need each other. It is good counsel. It is counsel I need a lot of the time.

In the end, I suppose my sentiment is this: if you are looking for offense, you will find it. If you are looking to feel oppressed or discriminated or put down, you will find those feelings as well. But if you are looking for our Father, to know His nature, His will, and His doctrine, that is what you will find. It may not always look like what you want to hear, but in the end it will take you where you want to be.

"Latter-day Saint Dating"

I found this handout in with all of my old institute stuff that I have been slowly cleaning out. It doesn't have any source or reference information, but it was kind of funny to skim through.

Latter-day Saint Dating

1. Go where you can meet people in a wholesome atmosphere.
2. Help others get acquainted. Set people up. Where appropriate, be a matchmaker.
3. Date people who honor the Covenant.
4. Date with the spirit of inspiration and revelation.
5. Don't kiss someone on Saturday and act like you never met them on Sunday.
6. Do original and fun dates rather than just go to the movies.
7. Realize that the amount of money spent doesn't make for a good date.
8. Dress modestly.
9. Double and triple date--include others.
10. Don't share your past worldliness.
11. Don't be a faultfinder.
12. Stay morally clean.
13. After you quit dating, don't share confidences shared in dating.
14. Don't gossip.
15. Help people who are nervous to feel comfortable.
16. Don't look only on the outward appearance.
17. Don't judge others motives and feelings.
18. Be interested in others--their life, their interests, their hobbies, their family, etc.
19. Take the spirit with you. Three is never a crowd. Pray when appropriate.
20. Have the courage to be tactful and yet honest.
21. Study the gospel together.
22. If you know you are going to break it off--get it over with.
23. Don't wear your heart on your sleeve.
24. Be careful with the words, "I Love You."
25. Have a reasonable curfew.
26. Make the restored church an integral part of your dating.
27. Other people's goals and standards should be sustained and not put down.
28. Don't use people for status purposes.
29. Don't "throw in the towel" at the first obstacle.
30. Work and study together.
31. Courtesy is a great lubricant in relationships.
32. See only worthy movies.
33. Be friends first.
34. Spend more time talking. Lower the stereo while driving.
35. Don't play games.
36. Don't dance to degrading music.
37. Be interested in your date's family. Share your family.
38. Be sensitive to other people's hearts.
39. Eliminate some role stereotypes.
40. Introduce your date to others. Help others get acquainted.
41. Have personal prayer before and after dates.
42. Don't show affection to people you don't intend to date.
43. Acknowledge that marriage is a high priority to you and to the Lord.
44. Be an example of a believer.
45. Improve yourself rather than looking for perfection in others.
46. Don't disregard the teachings of the General Authorities and Prophets.

Two Trees: Another awesome view on motherhood and priesthood

Okay, just one more. I promise you'll like it.

http://empoweringldswomen.blogspot.com/2010/11/two-trees-symbolic-interpretation-of.html

Update: Here is another version that is more readable: http://mormonscholarstestify.org/1718/valerie-hudson-cassler

I think it is so funny to me that the world sees the Church as subjugating women. I am so much more free having a husband and a whole Church network to support me in my responsibilities. I am free because I love and take care of my body, and use it for its ordained purposes instead of as a tool or an object. I am free because I don't have to compete with men to be complete as a woman. I am free because I don't have to do and be everything in order to legitimize my gender. I don't have to bear the weight of the whole world; I can rely on my companion and help meet to do his part so I can do mine.

Thou shalt love thy wife...

From A Commentary on the Doctrine and Covenants by Stephen E. Robinson and H. Dean Garrett, p.19-20, regarding D&C 42:22 (I emphasized a couple of things I particularly liked in bold):

...In the law of the Church, all marital conditions other than loving "thy wife [or husband] with all thy heart" are prohibited. Men or women who have allowed themselves to fall out of love with faithful, loving spouses are in violation of the law and are under condemnation. Although biological attraction can happen spontaneously, maintaining a long-term, loving relationship in marriage usually does not. It is a goal that must be chosen and diligently pursued, a conscious decision for which husbands and wives may be held accountable. To ignore one's spouse or the relationship that exists between husband and wife is a sin. Sometimes the spouse does not respond to the expression of love, in which case the offending spouse will receive the blame, but for as long as a marriage lasts, true Saints are obligated to love their spouses and maintain a warm and loving relationship to the degree a spouse will allow.

Since exaltation requires that man and wife become one not just in the "bonds of matrimony" but in heart, mind, and spirit, they must love one another. If they fail to do this, exaltation must be denied the offender who will not love his or her faithful spouse. Our covenant obligation to be one with our spouse is second only to our obligation to become one with the Lord. 

Emma Smith and D&C 25

From the Doctrine & Covenants student manual, p. 50:

It had been just over three years since the Prophet Joseph Smith and Emma Hale had been married in the small village of South Bainbridge, New York. Joseph was now twenty-five years of age and Emma twenty-six. 
     The seventh of nine children born to Isaac and Elizabeth Hale, Emma was born on 10 July 1804 in Harmony, Pennsylvania. There the Prophet met and courted her while he was working for Josiah Stowell. It is reported that Emma was a beautiful woman with an attractive personality, and she had the reputation of being a refined and dignified woman who was an excellent housekeeper and cook. Her Methodist upbringing had helped her develop a great love of music.
     The first three years for the newly married couple were indeed tense and trying ones. Eight months after their marriage Joseph received the golden plates from the angel Moroni. From that moment on their lives were punctuated with persecution and trial. Emma passed through these trying experiences with her husband. She was at his side during those agonizing months when Joseph lost the gift to translate. She served as his scribe for a while. Her heart must have ached when the Prophet was arrested on trumped-up charges again and again. She traveled with the Prophet on many of his missionary journeys and shared with him the joy and sorrow associated with teh preaching of the gospel. Emma was a woman of great courage and strong will. Of her the Prophet's mother, Lucy Mack Smith, wrote: "I have never seen a woman in my life, who would endure every species of fatigue and hardship, from month to month, and from year to year, with that unflinching courage, zeal, and patience, which she has ever done; for I know that which she has had to endure . . . she has breasted the storms of persecution, and buffeted the rage of men and devils, which would have borne down almost any other woman." (History of Joseph Smith, pp. 190-91).
     Now, in July of 1830, possibly near her birthday, the Lord directed to Emma a revelation known as section 25 of the Doctrine and Covenants.


And from A Commentary on the Doctrine and Covenants by Stephen E. Robinson and H. Dean Garrett, p. 168-69:

     Emma was baptized a member of the Church by Oliver Cowdery on 28 June 1830, and was confirmed by her husband, Joseph, in early August of that year. She was with Joseph and Oliver during the mob action and Josehp's two arrests and trials in the Colesville area. She herself was also at risk of physical injury during that time, and, like Joseph and Oliver, she suffered considerable harassment and vilification from the mobs. As a result of her New York experiences, Emma Smith was as much in need of encouragement from the Lord as were her husband and Oliver Cowdery (see D&C 24), having endured persecution with them ever since her wedding three and a half years earlier. Sometime during the month following her baptism, in July 1830, after returning home from New York to their farm in Harmony, Pennsylvania, Emma received Doctrine and Covenants 25 through her husband, Joseph.


As is the case with many who give their lives in supporting roles, we sometimes overlook how much Emma suffered and sacrificed, and what must have been the depths of her faith and commitment to the Lord. I think it is probably safe to say that Joseph couldn't have done his work without Emma by his side.

Divine love, eternal marriage.

A family friend said something funny but all too true to me last week: "Once you get married, it's like you never get to see your husband. That's why it's for time and all eternity; that's the only time you'll ever see them." Her husband is currently the stake president =).

I think this is what people in successful marriages understand: the goal isn't for the marriage to make us happy, or for our spouse to make us happy. The marriage unites us in a common journey toward a greater goal--eternal life. It's the toil and the work in that cause that will make us happy. A good quote from SWK:

"Divine love is not like that association of the world which is misnamed love, but which is mostly physical attraction. … The love of which the Lord speaks is not only physical attraction, but also faith, confidence, understanding, and partnership. It is devotion and companionship, parenthood, common ideals and standards. It is cleanliness of life and sacrifice and unselfishness. This kind of love never tires nor wanes. It lives on through sickness and sorrow, through prosperity and privation, through accomplishment and disappointment, through time and eternity” (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, 1982, 248).

Giving and sowing

I know I posted once before about what it means to give yourself to your spouse in marriage. But I was thinking about it again recently and did a little studying on the word give. I think it applies to all of our relationships: with God, with our spouse, with those we are called to serve, etc.

I skimmed through the Topical Guide under the word "give," and these 4 scriptures pretty much leaped off the page at me:

1. But this I say, He which soweth sparingly shall reap also sparingly; and he which soweth bountifully shall reap also bountifully. Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that ye, always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work.
-2 Corinthians 9:6-8

Highlights:
He which soweth sparingly shall reap also sparingly. It's funny that so often we expect to receive more without giving more. At least I do anyway. It's easy to think of all the things that want or that I would like other people to change or do better. It isn't as easy to think of how I can give more and love more. As much as I would like to think that I am not a selfish person, I think selfishness and self-centered-ness are the default settings for the natural man.

Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give. I think often it's better not to give than to give with ulterior motives or expectations. We should first "cleanse the inner vessel" so to speak, and make sure our motives are loving and pure and not manipulative or selfish.

God is able to make all grace abount...that ye...may about to every good work. Remember: God is a partner in an eternal marriage, and he has an interest in all of our relationships! His grace can make our relationships abundant if we give cheerfully.

2. The desire of the slothful killeth him; for his hands refuse to labor. He covetech greedily all the day long: but the righteous giveth and spareth not.
-Proverbs 21:25-26

Highlights:
[T]he slothful...refuse to labor. ... but the righteous giveth. It's interesting that giving is the antedote to slothfulness. Why? Giving requires work! And it takes our minds away from ourselves. Slothfulness here is related to covetousness--wanting something we aren't willing to work and sacrifice and give for.

The righteous giveth and spareth not. Righteous giving means we don't hold anything back. We shouldn't reserve any part of ourselves.

3. Freely have ye received, freely give.
-Matthew 10:8

Highlight: In any relationship, we should remember both what the other person(s) has given and also what Christ has given for us. More reason not to hold back or hold out.

4. Give, and it shall be given unto you; ...for with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured unto you again.
-Luke 6:38

Highlight: This principle of giving is a part of human nature! People respond to fairness, kindness, generosity and love, while demands and accusations put them on the defensive. Sometimes we just have to trust that our giving will come back around to us.

Be ye kind.

And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed up unto the day of redemption.
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice;
And be ye kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
Ephesians 4:31-32

I really needed to read this the other day. I think I'm going to memorize it so I can recite it to myself. Now, I don't think I would describe myself as malicious, but I also don't think it's a huge secret that I can be pretty moody. I'm sure my mom and siblings could attest to that; looking back I can tell I was that way even when I was little. And the worst part about me during a bad mood is that I'm usually convinced that I'm right about whatever I happen to be dwelling on during said mood.

I was in such a mood when I read this, and it certainly was humbling. More often than not, I just need to forget about whatever it is that I am brooding over and follow the commandment (yes, commandment) to be cheerful and kind and to direct only positive feelings toward others. I remember being a teenager and having an argument with my sister. Because she knew it would get my goat, she threw out, "You're only hurting yourself if you get mad; you can't control what people do, you can only control how you react." This was the worst possible argument because it totally disregarded my legitimate reason for being mad at her, and it was totally true. But really, most things that we get irritated or even angry over don't matter enough for us to dwell on. It doesn't matter who was right or wrong or what should have been done; it matters that we love God and love others and maintain good relationships with them. This is especially true with our families, with whom we spend the most time and therefore have the most run-ins, but who are the very most important to our spiritual welfare and eternal progression.

 I also think this scripture is particularly potent because it reminds us that God forgives us "for Christ's sake" - Christ, who forgot Himself completely, gave His whole life, then suffered and died so that we could be forgiven. It is because of His love for us and for all of the people with whom we associate that we can be forgiven.

So,

Can ye be angry, and not sin? let not the sun go down upon your wrath.  Ephesians 4:26, JST

See that ye love one another; ... learn to impart one to another as the gospel requires... And above all things, clothe yourselves with the bond of charity, as with a mantle, which is the bond of perfectness and peace.  Doctrine and Covenants 88:123, 125

Perfectness and peace sounds a lot nicer than a bad mood. 

Compare.

 

I'm giving a lesson in MiaMaids on temple marriage in a couple of weeks. The feeling in these videos is so starkly contrasting to me; I hope they feel the same way.

An help meet.

The other day I was out looking at my in-laws' fruit trees, and naturally I started thinking about Adam and Eve (hahaha- non-sequitor much?). In Genesis 2 and Moses 3, we read that after Adam was placed in the Garden of Eden, and before Eve was created, he received this instruction: "Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat: But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die."

I love the next part, and it's something I've never really heard anyone talk about. The Lord had Adam give names to all of the animals--the beasts of the field, and the fowls of the air--"but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him." I imagine this was somewhat poignant for Adam. All of the animals had their mates, but he was alone in the garden. So I can imagine the joy when at last God created Eve. He proclaimed, "This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." In other words, he finally had someone meant for him, and that was worth forsaking everything else.

And Adam did forsake everything else. When presented with the fruit, he refused to transgress God's commandment and would not eat. But when it came to choosing between cleaving to his wife or remaining in the garden's idyllic conditions, he chose to leave the presence of his Heavenly Father and cleave to his wife. 

Someone once pointed out to me that when we are sealed in the temple, the wife agrees to give herself to her husband, but the husband doesn't make the same agreement. They then pointed out that when we learn about the creation we see that the husband, Adam, had already done so. He gave everything in order to remain with and love and protect her. So Adam's example of how to do that is instructive not only for husbands, but for me as a wife. What kinds of things do I sometimes put before my husband? They usually aren't so obvious as a job or a hobby or time away from him. They are usually subtle things like the desire to be right or to do things my way or to let my bad mood run its course. Sometimes they involve lacking courtesy on the excuse that I'm tired or have had a bad day or am frustrated. And always they involve me thinking of my own feelings before his.

I recently read a couple of books by Dr. Laura about marriage. The main gist was that, although men certainly are at the root of plenty of marital problems, the more common culprit is the woman. Women have huge power to make a happy marriage. Because our moods and feelings tend to be more complex and ever-changing, we tend to set the tone for the home. A good man generally has pretty simple needs: he wants to feel like a man, which involves going out every day and "slaying dragons" for his family, then coming home and being treated like the knight in shining armor that he is. And, miraculously, if he is treated with that kind of courtesy and respect instead of with nagging exasperation, he'll be a lot more likely to do whatever it is we would have nagged him to do. I can attest that this is true. 

So for a while now I have been making more of an effort to put my husband's feelings ahead of my moods, show appreciation for everything he does to provide for us (which involves getting up at 4 in the morning to commute to a miserable job, spending more than a decade in school, and putting up with me! What a guy!), not dump my stress on him as soon as he walks through the door, not ask him to do things that are just as convenient for me to do myself, and let him do things his own way (recognizing that my way may be different, but isn't necessarily better). Admittedly, I am not great at this yet. But I remind myself that this is how I can give myself to him and be the kind of woman to whom he will want to cleave.