Dispelling Clouds of Darkness

 I have been sitting with this scripture during my last couple of study sessions. 

Now, this is what Ammon desired, for he knew that king Lamoni was under the power of God; he knew that the dark veil of unbelief was being cast away from his mind, and the light which did light up his mind, which was the light of the glory of God, which was a marvelous light of his goodness--yea, this light had infused such joy into his soul, the cloud of darkness having been dispelled, and that the light of everlasting life was lit up in his soul, yea, he knew that this had overcome his natural frame, and he was carried away in God--

Alma 19:6

On my first reading, my thought was, "I want the light of Everlasting Life to be lit up in my soul." Do you know that feeling when you learn something and some truth sinks into your heart and you just feel lit up inside? You want to tell everyone! Those moments are more few and far-between than I would like, and I want to keep my soul lit up so that I can share light with others and be filled with charity toward the people I interact with. When my soul is filled with stress or overwhelm then stress and overwhelm spill out when I am pressed. But when I open up my soul to be filled with light, then light is what spills out.

On today's reading, I thought about the process of joy dispersing the clouds of darkness. The king Lamoni story presents the straightforward process of repentance bringing joy that dispels the darkness caused by sin. And when we see people who have a hard time feeling the Spirit, we recommend the things that dispel sin, like studying or praying more, giving service or being more obedient. And certainly those things won't hurt, but what may hurt is the implication that all clouds come from sin. How much harm has this kind of assumption had on those who fall into the kinds of darkness that come not from personal sin but from depression, grief, anxiety, or trial? How do we enable joy and light to dispel those kinds of clouds? Some thoughts I have:

• When we can't feel the Spirit, praying more won't necessarily make us magically able to feel it more strongly if there are other factors darkening our minds. 
• What we can do is operate under the assumption that the light is pointed in our direction (i.e. that God loves us fully) and that He can reveal to us what we can do in our particular circumstances to thin the clouds blocking that light.
• We can find comfort knowing that the presence of clouds does not equate to the presence of sin (more than what we all regularly sin daily).
• Recognize that different kinds of clouds require different steps to dispel. Sin clouds need repentance. Depression clouds may need therapy, medication, coaching, and time. Clouds of grief may require time, therapy, and our willingness to let our feelings come to the surface so we can process them.
• Know that God can handle our darkness. We don't need to be ashamed of it or feel unworthy because it is there. He can handle us being disappointed, sad, and angry, even with Him. He wants to dispel it as much as we do, and he knows exactly why and how long it needs to be there. He can teach us our way through it. 
• Mists of darkness may go on for hours. He will gives us scripture and prayer and revelation--the word of God--not to make us feel guilty that we aren't using them enough, but so that we have something to cling to when we can't see our way. Being able to see out of the cloud has nothing to do with whether we are on the right track. If we are clinging on and taking steps in the darkness, that is when we are exercising the very most faith.
• Another way that the light can dispel darkness is when truth dispels the lies that we believe. King Lamoni believed many false things about the Nephites, about the nature of God, and about himself. We like to tell ourselves in the church that since we have so much truth we should always be happy--the happiest people in the world. But all of us are prey to believing lies that Satan teaches us through life's experiences and society's expectations. Lies like, "You aren't good enough." "You have to do more to earn your way to righteousness." "Everyone else has it together and you can't do it." "Your body is too much or not enough." "You don't have anything to offer." "Your contribution doesn't matter." What a cloud over our minds blocking our joy! We can get help to dispel these lies and let other truths sink it. That our worth is not tied to our productivity. That our bodies are wonderful tools that allow us to feel and experience so many things regardless of our health or size or image. That our bodies and souls are worthy of love simply because we are children of God, created in the image of Heavenly Parents. That the intent of our heart is what makes our actions matter, not our results or our productivity. That trying is all that is required.

There is so much more to say on the subject, and lots of people know it better than I do, but I want to work on dispelling the darkness for myself, one cloud at a time, so I have more light to share.

Ammon and Great Missionary Work

 I have had plenty of lessons extolling Ammon as a missionary. And he was a great missionary. Most of  those focused on how he was willing to serve, how he was brave, and how God protected him and gave him power. All important things, but today my studies reminded me how normal Ammon was. And sometimes I need that because I don't see myself in heroes, but I do see myself in people who are trying, and don't really know what they are doing, but make an awkward attempt anyway. 

Let's recap Ammon's encounter with King Lamoni and see where I can relate.

Ammon arrives and is immediately arrested and brought before the king to see how he should be disposed of. The king asks if he desires to live among his people and Ammon says yes and reveals that he really doesn't know the long-term plan and may stay there forever for all he knows. 

Moving forward even though I don't have my future figured out? Been there, done that, doing that.

The king is happy with this answer and offers Ammon his daughter for a wife. Ammon declines and asks to be a servant. 

Attempt to tactfully dodge romantic advances that don't lead where I want to go? Did that a couple of times. 

Avoid awkwardness by being excessively helpful? Yes and yes.

Next Ammon goes out to work with the king's servants. Bad guys come and scatter the flocks, the servants melt down because they don't want to get killed, and Ammon sees an opportunity to show his power and win them over. 

Again with the excessive helpfulness. Right up my alley.

He helps them gather the sheep back together, but the bad guys are relentless and come back for more. Epic battle ensues in which Ammon kills six with his sling, then disarms his other attackers more literally than I like to imagine. 

This is the part that is usually emphasized in this story, and with which I relate 0%. I would not be cutting off any arms unless the Spirit straight up took over my brain and my body. I am not wired for blood and guts and certainly not for cutting off anyone's arms.

They head back to the king's complex and the rest of the guys bring back the loose arms. They take them to show the king while Ammon goes on to the next task they were supposed to do.

Avoiding attention? Not wanting to brag when I accomplished something that clearly wasn't my own strength? Being traumatized for harming people when I was trying to do what's right? Not wanting to show my face until my jobs are done? Yuppers.

Ammon finishes getting the king's horses ready and then goes back to report. When he walks in he can see that the king is looking troubled. Perhaps Ammon recalls how easily the king could call for his execution; he did just kill six of the king's subjects and severely maim several more. He was about to turn tail and back right out of that room when one of the servant addresses him with a title of high honor and asks him to stay.

Wanting to cut and run when I think someone may be mad at me? Most definitely yes.

Ammon gets bold and asks the king what he can do for him. And then he waits FOR AN HOUR. He stands there awkwardly for an hour.

This may be the thing I can relate to most of all. The pressure is on, I feel like I need to say something or explain myself or connect, and nothing. No words, brain racing and frozen at the same time.

After an hour Ammon asks again with no response, and THEN he is filled with the Spirit, at which time he asks the very obvious question of whether the king is troubled because he had just singlehandedly and superhumanly defended the king's flocks and servants. He is like, "What's so impressive about that? I'm just a man." And in this kind of obvious answer the Spirit speaks through him to King Lamoni, helps the latter articulate the real questions he has, and stops his brain paralysis.

Fumbling through just opening my mouth to say what the Lord might want me to say, feeling like maybe that didn't make any sense at all because I am really nothing, but somehow the Spirit speaks through that mess anyway? Exactly how I feel whenever I teach.

Ammon tells the king that he wants to serve him, and "whatsoever thou desirest which is right, that will I do."

Bonding through service? My go-to. The only way I know how to make friends and relate to people. I just want to do things for them and make them feel comfortable with me.

Ammon proceeds to answer the king's questions on the condition that the king will believe what Ammon says.

Not wanting to put myself out there if the person will reject the sacred thing I have to share? Yes yes yes.

I could go on but this covers the bulk of it. Of course I don't really know all of Ammon's personality, and I don't mean at all to downplay what a brave and bold missionary he was, but it is such a comfort to me to imagine these very human people feeling their way along in the work of the Lord and trusting that He will come through even when they don't know how that will all work out. That is something I feel like I can do for the cause, even if I'll never raise a sword in defense of the cause. So maybe I can liken Ammon's story to me after all.