Thomas B. Marsh on apostasy

After the saints were driven from Nauvoo, Thomas B. Marsh, former president of the Quorum of the Twelve who had betrayed the prophet, went to Salt Lake City, confessed to his wrongs and pleaded for forgiveness. Speaking to the Saints, he said:

Many have said to me, 'How is it that a man like you, who understood so much of hte revelations of God as recorded in the Book of Doctrine and Covenants, should fall away?'...

I have sought diligently to know the Spirit of Christ since I turned my face Zionward, and I believe I have obtained it. I have frequently wanted to know how my apostacy began, and I have come to the conclusion that I must have lost the Spirit of the Lord out of my heart.

The next question is, 'How and when did you lose the Spirit?' I became jealous of the Prophet, and then I saw double, and overlooked everything that was right, and spent all my time in looking for the evil; and then, when the Devil began to lead me, it was easy for the carnal mind to rise up, which is anger, jealousy, and wrath. I could feel it within me; I felt angry and wrathful; and the Spirit of the Lord being gone, as the Scriptures say, I was blinded, and I thought I saw a beam in brother Joseph's eye, but it was nothing but a mote, and my own eye was filled with the beam; but I thought I saw a beam in his, and I wanted to get it out; and, as brother Heber says, I got mad, and I wanted everybody else to be mad. I talked with Brother Brigham and Brother Heber, and I wanted them to be mad like myself; and I saw they were not mad, and I got madder still because they were not. Brother Brigham, with a cautious looks, said, 'Are you the leader of the Church, brother Thomas?' I answered, 'No.' 'Well then,' said he, 'Why do you not let that alone?'

Well, this is about the amount of my hypocrisy--I meddled with that which was not my business.

-Journal of Discourses, 5:206-7