Ammon and Great Missionary Work

 I have had plenty of lessons extolling Ammon as a missionary. And he was a great missionary. Most of  those focused on how he was willing to serve, how he was brave, and how God protected him and gave him power. All important things, but today my studies reminded me how normal Ammon was. And sometimes I need that because I don't see myself in heroes, but I do see myself in people who are trying, and don't really know what they are doing, but make an awkward attempt anyway. 

Let's recap Ammon's encounter with King Lamoni and see where I can relate.

Ammon arrives and is immediately arrested and brought before the king to see how he should be disposed of. The king asks if he desires to live among his people and Ammon says yes and reveals that he really doesn't know the long-term plan and may stay there forever for all he knows. 

Moving forward even though I don't have my future figured out? Been there, done that, doing that.

The king is happy with this answer and offers Ammon his daughter for a wife. Ammon declines and asks to be a servant. 

Attempt to tactfully dodge romantic advances that don't lead where I want to go? Did that a couple of times. 

Avoid awkwardness by being excessively helpful? Yes and yes.

Next Ammon goes out to work with the king's servants. Bad guys come and scatter the flocks, the servants melt down because they don't want to get killed, and Ammon sees an opportunity to show his power and win them over. 

Again with the excessive helpfulness. Right up my alley.

He helps them gather the sheep back together, but the bad guys are relentless and come back for more. Epic battle ensues in which Ammon kills six with his sling, then disarms his other attackers more literally than I like to imagine. 

This is the part that is usually emphasized in this story, and with which I relate 0%. I would not be cutting off any arms unless the Spirit straight up took over my brain and my body. I am not wired for blood and guts and certainly not for cutting off anyone's arms.

They head back to the king's complex and the rest of the guys bring back the loose arms. They take them to show the king while Ammon goes on to the next task they were supposed to do.

Avoiding attention? Not wanting to brag when I accomplished something that clearly wasn't my own strength? Being traumatized for harming people when I was trying to do what's right? Not wanting to show my face until my jobs are done? Yuppers.

Ammon finishes getting the king's horses ready and then goes back to report. When he walks in he can see that the king is looking troubled. Perhaps Ammon recalls how easily the king could call for his execution; he did just kill six of the king's subjects and severely maim several more. He was about to turn tail and back right out of that room when one of the servant addresses him with a title of high honor and asks him to stay.

Wanting to cut and run when I think someone may be mad at me? Most definitely yes.

Ammon gets bold and asks the king what he can do for him. And then he waits FOR AN HOUR. He stands there awkwardly for an hour.

This may be the thing I can relate to most of all. The pressure is on, I feel like I need to say something or explain myself or connect, and nothing. No words, brain racing and frozen at the same time.

After an hour Ammon asks again with no response, and THEN he is filled with the Spirit, at which time he asks the very obvious question of whether the king is troubled because he had just singlehandedly and superhumanly defended the king's flocks and servants. He is like, "What's so impressive about that? I'm just a man." And in this kind of obvious answer the Spirit speaks through him to King Lamoni, helps the latter articulate the real questions he has, and stops his brain paralysis.

Fumbling through just opening my mouth to say what the Lord might want me to say, feeling like maybe that didn't make any sense at all because I am really nothing, but somehow the Spirit speaks through that mess anyway? Exactly how I feel whenever I teach.

Ammon tells the king that he wants to serve him, and "whatsoever thou desirest which is right, that will I do."

Bonding through service? My go-to. The only way I know how to make friends and relate to people. I just want to do things for them and make them feel comfortable with me.

Ammon proceeds to answer the king's questions on the condition that the king will believe what Ammon says.

Not wanting to put myself out there if the person will reject the sacred thing I have to share? Yes yes yes.

I could go on but this covers the bulk of it. Of course I don't really know all of Ammon's personality, and I don't mean at all to downplay what a brave and bold missionary he was, but it is such a comfort to me to imagine these very human people feeling their way along in the work of the Lord and trusting that He will come through even when they don't know how that will all work out. That is something I feel like I can do for the cause, even if I'll never raise a sword in defense of the cause. So maybe I can liken Ammon's story to me after all.

Arnot on the Seed in the Thorny Ground

The earthly affections in the heart which render religion unfruitful in the life are enumerated under two heads,—“The care of this world,” and “the deceitfulness of riches;” the term riches includes also, as we may gather from Luke’s narrative, the pleasures which riches procure. Both from our own experience in the world and the specific terms employed by the Lord in the interpretation of the parable, we learn that all classes and all ranks are on this side exposed to danger. This is not a rich man’s business, or a poor man’s; it is every man’s business. The words point to the two extremes of worldly condition, and include all that lies between them. “The care of the world” becomes the snare of those who have little, and “the deceitfulness of riches,” the snare of those who have much. Thus the world wars against the soul, alike when it smiles and when it frowns. Rich and poor have in this matter no room and no right to cast stones at each other. Pinching want and luxurious profusion are, indeed, two widely diverse species of thorns; but when favoured by circumstances they are equally rank in their growth and equally effective in destroying the precious seed.

...

 It was where the seed and the thorns grew together that the mischief was done. If the grain is permitted to occupy alone the heart of the field, the thorns that grow outside and around it may constitute a hedge of defence, not only harmless but useful. There is a place for cares, and for riches too,—a place in which they help and do not hinder the kingdom of God. Kept in its own sphere, the lawful business of life becomes a protecting fence round the tender plant of grace in a Christian’s heart. Permit not the thorns to occupy the position which is due to the good seed. Not as rivals within the field, but as guards around it, earthly affairs are innocent and safe. “Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.”

-William Arnot, The Parables of Our Lord.

Talmage on Homemaking (Mary and Martha)

By inattention to household duties, the little touches that make or mar the family peace, many a woman has reduced her home to a comfortless house; and many another has eliminated the essential elements of home by her self-assumed and persistent drudgery, in which she denies to her dear ones the cheer of her loving companionship. One-sided service, however devoted, may become neglect. There is a time for labor inside the home as in the open; in every family time should be found for cultivating that better part, that one thing needful—true, spiritual development.

-James E. Talmage, Jesus the Christ.

Training of Children

From Uncle Tom's Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe:

"Since training children is the staple work of the human race," said Augustine, "I should think it something of a consideration that our system does not work well there."

Feminism and the Church

A great treatise by Bruce and Marie Hafen.

Women, Feminism, and Gender

Filling our Homes with Light and Truth

Here is the talk I gave a couple of weeks ago in Sacrament Meeting. Of course, when I gave it it came out materially different than how it is written; some things were added, some changed, and some excluded altogether. But here is the written version (mostly for my own benefit).

[Here I have chosen to excerpt the banal introduction I gave of our family]

I was asked to choose a talk on marriage and family from the Women’s Session of April General Conference, and am going to base my comments on Sister Cheryl A. Esplin’s remarks, entitled, “Filling our Homes with Light and Truth.”

Having four little boys, this topic is always a concern for me to certain extent, but I feel it has been dwelling in my mind and heart more particularly as we have moved and settled into our first semi-permanent home and our older boys are getting to the age where they are figuring out what the Gospel means and how it applies to us. The duty to make my home a place of peace and refuge, safe even from my own temper and impatience, presses on upon me frequently. As the Savior said to Joseph Smith, I have commanded you to bring up your children in light and truth. (D&C 93:40)

The Soda Can

Sister Esplin spoke of an example that she had seen demonstrated at a meeting many years ago. The presenter showed two soda cans. One was empty, and the other was unopened and filled with soda. The presenter then squeezed each can. The empty can was, of course, easily crushed, while the full can was impervious to the presenter’s grip.

Satan’s Efforts

We all know that the world is full of influences that seek to destroy our spiritual foundations and capitalize on any weakness that may be found in our homes. Sister Esplin said this: Satan knows that in order for us and our families to withstand the pressures of the world, we must be filled with light and gospel truth. So he does everything in his power to dilute, distort, and destroy the truth of the gospel and to keep us separated from that truth.

Satan has a remarkable ability to deceive, confuse, and imitate truth, and as a result we live among conditions long foretold where many put evil for good and good for evil (Isaiah 5:20). It can be a confusing place for anyone, no matter our age or experience. But if our goal is for our homes to be filled with light, you can see really how dangerous it is to confuse light and darkness. In order to combat Satan’s efforts, we must have a keen sense of spiritual discernment. This requires us to be sensitive to the promptings of the Holy Ghost through our obedience and loyalty to the Savior, His Gospel, and His chosen servants.

I am going to share one area where Satan is placing particular emphasis in our day: the doctrine of the family.  In another talk from the Women’s Session, Sister Oscarson counseled us to be defenders of the Family Proclamation, particularly of marriage, of the roles of mothers and fathers, and of the sanctity of the home.

Because the family is a topic close to our hearts, bringing much joy in many cases and unfortunately bringing much pain in others, it can be a sensitive one to talk about. Satan is quick to turn that sensitivity into offense, defensiveness, confusion, and contention. These reactions can quickly drive the Spirit out of a discussion or prevent us from receiving counsel in the spirit in which it is intended. In order to stand up as defenders of the truth, we need to know it, to understand it in its varied nuances and applications, and to receive the confirmation of the Holy Ghost so that we can testify of it with purity and power.

Each of us has a different set of experiences, blessings, trials, and gifts that will enable us to understand and defend the family and other gospel truths in special and unique ways. By utilizing this storehouse of all of our collective contributions, the Lord can combat Satan’s forces and gather His sheep from out of the world according to the needs of each individual or circumstance. That requires all of us to develop our own testimonies and refine our gifts in order to be able to be a part of that force on the Lord’s side.

Sister Esplin put it this way: Many of us have been baptized and have received the gift of the Holy Ghost, whose role it is to reveal and teach the truth of all things. With the privilege of that gift comes the responsibility to seek truth, to live the truth we know, and to share and defend the truth.

This idea of having a responsibility to seek, live, and defend truth was really impressed upon me one day in my constitutional law class during my first year of law school. We were speaking about the constitutional implications of California’s Proposition 8, which amended the California Constitution to specify the definition of marriage as between one man and one woman, and which was on the ballot at the time. As law professors are wont to do, he asked us for our analysis, and then challenged our responses (which is a nice way of saying that he summarily shot down most everything we said; at the time it seemed to me that this was the main job of law professors). Then he said something that has stuck with me ever since, and that was that we as law students and members of the Church need to be able to articulate our opinions and beliefs to the world in the terms that they understand. In our case, those terms were the terms of the law, and if I was going to say that the definition of marriage should remain between one man and one woman, I needed to be able to give a cogent constitutional analysis and be able to dig up the jurisprudence to support my opinion. The Lord needs people who can articulate His position and stand for it in every type of venue, and if I was receiving the gift of a legal education, I needed to put in the time and effort to consecrate that gift for the defense of truth in my sphere.

It certainly is not just lawyers who the Lord needs to use our gifts and experiences to stand up and defend the home and family; it is all of us. As I have mentioned, my husband John, for example, has a very different educational background from me. Last year during a clinical rotation in psychiatry, John commented to me that without fail, every patient that he saw with severe ongoing problems had some sort of family trauma or abuse in their past. He was reminded how important strong, righteous families are and how much damage can be done when parents don’t provide that for their children. His experiences will enable him to defend Gospel truths regarding the family in a much different way than I can. We can each fill our lives with light and truth by standing up to defend our homes and families through righteous living and by consecrating our talents and experiences to the Lord’s work.

Filling with Lesser Things

Another way that Satan seeks to distract us is by having us fill up our lives with things of lesser value, so that there is less room for light and truth in our lives and homes. Having little children at home has given me a lot of new perspective on what kind of media I want in my home and for myself personally. Whenever my kids are awake, if the TV is on it is usually a children’s show, and when they are asleep, I am usually too tired to watch anything geared toward adults. This has led to a kind of default media purge on my part, and I found that when I do see grown-up TV shows and commercials now, I am much more sensitive to the images, the messages, the innuendo, and the influences that I don’t want my children to see. And I began to think, if I don’t want my children to see this, does my Father want me to see it? Is it worthy of my time and attention?

When considering any media in our home, I think we could do well to ask ourselves these questions: (1) Is this something that would offend the Savior if He were watching with me? Would I feel the need to skip parts or change the channel? Would I find myself trying to justify or explain my viewing choice because of the images or language included? (2) What messages are being communicated to my family in this show? Pretty much any show, whether it be a drama, a comedy, or a documentary, has some kind of message. Some of the more dangerous messages are communicated to us without our recognizing them because they are weaved into a funny story or we say, “It’s just entertainment.” How are the women being treated and portrayed in the media we consume? How about the men? What are the attitudes about marriage and family? Is there irreverence toward God or others? (3) Do I feel uplifted and closer to my Savior after participating in this media, or do I feel farther away? Does the media I consume meet the standard set in the 13^th Article of Faith; is it virtuous, lovely, of good report, or praiseworthy (and not just for its comic appeal or special effects)?

The same could go for the music we listen to, the books we read, the art we view, and anything with which we fill our time and our homes. If we want to be filled with light and truth, we need to make room for it and not crowd it out with things of lesser value.

How to Fill Up

Now that we have opened up some space for more light and truth to enter, so to speak, how do we keep that space properly filled? Sister Esplin continued: When filled with the Spirit and with gospel truth, we have the power to withstand the outside forces of the world that surround and push against us. However, if we are not filled spiritually, we don’t have the inner strength to resist the outside pressures and can collapse when forces push against us.

If our homes are to be impervious to the attacks of the world, we need to consistently work to fill them with light and truth. And most of us know the “Primary answers” that teach us the basic things we need to do each day to fill ourselves up. For the word of the Lord is truth, and whatsoever is truth is light, and whatsoever is light is Spirit, even the Spirit of Jesus Christ. (D&C 84:45) As Sister Esplin said, We are continually counseled to increase our spiritual knowledge through prayer and through studying and pondering the scriptures and the words of the living prophets. 

Shortly after we had our first little boy Ethan, I recall thinking how the number of prayers and scripture study sessions in my life had multiplied in a few short years. When I was single, I worried only about my own personal scripture study and prayers. When John and I got married, I continued my own and we also tried to make it a priority to read and pray together daily. After Ethan was born he joined in on our routine, but then once he was big enough to understand a little, it was necessary to add a third separate family scripture study and prayer to the mix. At one point when I found myself short on patience or frustrated or down at home, I recall thinking how wise it was that the Lord had instructed us to have all of that study and prayer as we became parents, not just so that our children would learn, but because I needed so badly to be guided and taught constantly if I wanted to raise my children in light and truth.

I love this statement from Sister Esplin: Strong eternal families and Spirit-filled homes do not just happen. They take great effort, they take time, and they take each member of the family doing his or her part. Every home is different, but every home where even one individual seeks for truth can make a difference.

Consistent, Everyday Efforts

Having a home that is spiritually full means that every day we need to keep the counsel of prophets past and present, even when it seems that no one is listening or we can’t keep up or it isn’t making a difference. If we seek the Lord in prayer, He will consecrate our performance and our efforts to us, and that will make a great difference in what kind of foundation we and our children have to build on and how we will be able to withstand tests and trials in life.

This idea brings to mind an October 2009 talk by Elder David A. Bednar. He said, As our sons were growing up, our family did what you have done and what you now do. We had regular family prayer, scripture study, and family home evening. Now, I am sure what I am about to describe has never occurred in your home, but it did in ours.

Sometimes Sister Bednar and I wondered if our efforts to do these spiritually essential things were worthwhile. Now and then verses of scripture were read amid outbursts such as “He’s touching me!” “Make him stop looking at me!” “Mom, he’s breathing my air!” Sincere prayers occasionally were interrupted with giggling and poking. And with active, rambunctious boys, family home evening lessons did not always produce high levels of edification. At times Sister Bednar and I were exasperated because the righteous habits we worked so hard to foster did not seem to yield immediately the spiritual results we wanted and expected.

This seems like my life exactly! This last week, for example, I spent some extra time preparing something for Family Home Evening that I thought was fairly important for the boys. However, I ended up feeling like I spent most of the lesson trying to corral the boys and threatening to withhold the treat at the end if they didn’t sit down and listen. So I am particularly encouraged by what Elder Bednar shared next: 

Today if you could ask our adult sons what they remember about family prayer, scripture study, and family home evening, I believe I know how they would answer. They likely would not identify a particular prayer or a specific instance of scripture study or an especially meaningful family home evening lesson as the defining moment in their spiritual development. What they would say they remember is that as a family we were consistent.

Sister Bednar and I thought helping our sons understand the content of a particular lesson or a specific scripture was the ultimate outcome. But such a result does not occur each time we study or pray or learn together. The consistency of our intent and work was perhaps the greatest lesson—a lesson we did not fully appreciate at the time.

Elder Bednar then likened our efforts at home to a painting composed of thousands of tiny brushstrokes:  Each family prayer, each episode of family scripture study, and each family home evening is a brushstroke on the canvas of our souls. No one event may appear to be very impressive or memorable. But just as the yellow and gold and brown strokes of paint complement each other and produce an impressive masterpiece, so our consistency in doing seemingly small things can lead to significant spiritual results. “Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great” (D&C 64:33). Consistency is a key principle as we lay the foundation of a great work in our individual lives and as we become more diligent and concerned in our own homes.

I know that as we consistently strive to seek after the Lord and to invite His Spirit into our homes through our everyday obedience, He will grant us the guidance we need to keep our homes safe and filled with light. As He said, Blessed are all they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled with the Holy Ghost. (Matthew 5:6, 3 Nephi 12:6) If we seek daily to feed our Spirits just as surely as we seek to appease our hunger and nourish our bodies, we will be filled with the light and truth we seek.

The Temple

In addition to consistent study, prayer, and gospel teaching, our attendance at the temple will help us to fill our homes with light and truth. What better way to see and feel what a light-filled home should be like than to attend the very House of the Lord? As the Psalmist said, O send out thy light and thy truth: let them lead me; let them bring me unto thy holy hill, and to thy tabernacles. (Psalm 43:3) The mountain of the Lord is the standard to which our homes should aspire. That isn’t to say that we should beat ourselves up about having imperfect homes; that is an inevitability of life. I recall reading an account in the Ensign a few years ago in which a sister told about a cleaning assignment at the temple. The supervising Brother told the volunteers that they were not there to clean things that were dirty, but to keep that sacred place from every becoming dirty; to keep it unspotted. (“Unspotted From the World,” July 2012) My first thought was, if my home is supposed to be like the temple, I am never going to manage that! What’s the point? And of course in that line of thought, I entirely missed the point.

Just as we aspire to build ideal families even though inevitably that isn’t possible for everyone, we can aspire to make our homes clean both temporally and spiritually so that the Spirit can dwell in them. Just because we can’t achieve an ideal doesn’t mean that its shining example is not of value! By definition an ideal is a state of perfection, an ultimate objective and not a working model. But day by day we work in our own homes, and the more we see and bring that reminder of the Lord’s sacred house and the eternal family formed therein, the better we can better shape our homes according to that image.

We talk of Christ

And my final and most basic point centers in the One who is the center of everything we do in the Church and in our homes, who Himself is the way, the truth, and the life¸and the Light of the World. Paul counseled the Ephesians to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God. (Ephesians 3:19) Weekly we are reminded that if we always remember Christ, we may always have His spirit to be with us. Nephi said, And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins. (2 Nephi 25:26) Christ Himself said, he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life. (John 8:12)

If we want our homes to be filled with light and truth, we must make Him feel at home there through the things with which we fill our space, our time, and our hearts. If our hearts are set on Him and our priority is helping our family members come to know and follow Him, His spirit will fill our homes and make them safe havens from the pressures of the outside world.

I am so grateful for the peace and the assurance that comes from that promise, and particularly for what it means for my children. Despite my failings and imperfections, if I press on, seeking and defending truth, teaching it consistently, seeking it in the Lord’s house, and following Him who is its very definition, my children will know to what source they may look for light and truth, redemption and forgiveness.

I know that Christ lives. He loves us. He wants to bless and guide and comfort us. He is our advocate with the Father, which to me as an attorney means He is on our side, understanding our motives, looking for every possible argument in our favor, and seeking forgiveness and leniency for our sins and mistakes. If we make room for Him in our homes by loving Him and keeping His commandments, He will fill them with His presence, which is light and truth. As he said, If a man love me, he will keep my words: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him. (John 14:23)

Hallmarks of a Happy Home

As we are settling into our new home and decided what to do and how much to spend on improvements and changes and whatnot, I got to thinking about which things are most important. Of course President Monson put things in perspective for me.

Happiness does not consist of a glut of luxury, the world’s idea of a “good time.” Nor must we search for it in faraway places with strange-sounding names. Happiness is found at home.

All of us remember the home of our childhood. Interestingly, our thoughts do not dwell on whether the house was large or small, the neighborhood fashionable or downtrodden. Rather, we delight in the experiences we shared as a family. The home is the laboratory of our lives, and what we learn there largely determines what we do when we leave there.

-Thomas S. Monson, "Hallmarks of a Happy Home," April 1988.

Journals

I love this Newsroom article from LDS.org on the importance of keeping a journal.

I am grateful that my mom got me a journal for my eighth birthday. I am grateful that I have felt to keep a journal since then, even if plenty of the the things I wrote as I grew up are surely embarrassing. Writing has helped me grow closer to my Savior and to record the things He has taught me. Reading my own thoughts has helped me to see in retrospect how the Lord's hand has guided my life. And now that I am old enough to want to know more details of my parents' and grandparents' lives, I can see why the things I write may be valuable, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time.

Teaching and Showing

And thou shalt teach them ordinances and laws, an shalt shew them the way wherein they must walk, and the work that they must do.

Exodus 18:20

This was a good reminder tonight that while the laws and ordinances of God must be taught, my children will really only learn how to walk in the covenant and apply the Gospel through example. Too often I don't live up to the bar I try to set for them, but I hope at least they see me trying and repenting and changing so that they will know the way.

"A Large Family of Small Children"

I am starting to understand where this sister is coming from...

https://www.lds.org/ensign/1986/03/a-large-family-of-small-children?lang=eng

Today as I headed into the doctor's office, a woman was waiting for me to get my boys out of my car so she could get into hers. The usual ensued: "Three boys! Wow! You must be busy! . . . Oh, and you're having another! Do you know what it is? . . . Another boy! Wow. . ."

That wow is too often accompanied by a look of pity, because obviously we only had more children on the off chance that we might get a girl instead of another boy, and now we had failed and were stuck with four boys. I wish I had the time and words to explain, "No, this is awesome! We are so excited and blessed to have four boys! Our life is great, even if it's crazy, and even if it's not anything like yours." I don't know exactly how many children we will have or when we will have them; The Lord doesn't tend to give me information about life decisions until they need to be made. But I feel with this one I have already crossed the threshold into what the world considers that land of "crazy" people who have too many kids. I hope I can be a really happy crazy person that teaches many children to be good, loving, Christlike people.

Covenants: Things that Bear Repeating

Sister Burton shared this in the April Women's Meeting, and it was repeated again Saturday night. It surely bears remembering.

The best way to strengthen a home, current or future, is to keep covenants, promises we’ve made to each other and to God.

That’s what disciples do!

We tend so often to look to Pinterest boards and elaborate ideas to help our families along, but those things don't do much unless we are focused on the basics, on making and keeping sacred covenants with God, and applying the Atonement of Jesus Christ in our lives and families.

Meandering Thoughts on Being A Support

Sometimes I just have to write to sort things out in my brain, so if you bother to read this, you have been forewarned that this is more of me working out some thoughts than a cohesive statement about anything. Also, there in no huge crisis going on in my life, just things that have reminded me that I need to scale back and work on being a foundation for my family.

The word support has been on my mind a lot lately, as there always seems to be a stream of stressful things coming up in life. Sometimes when John is stressed out I have a hard time knowing how to help him, and I also tend to feel guilty for not keeping our home clean and lovely and the children under control all the time. I am no natural-born homemaker to be sure! As I think about my role as a wife, that word support keeps coming back to me. A few perspectives on what it means to support my spouse:

1. The support system in a building, vehicle, or really anything, holds everything up. It gives stability and balance, and allows that thing to carry out its purpose. It is usually hidden, and no one really notices it unless something goes wrong.
2. Support staff in a school or hospital take care of all of the background tasks that facilitate the care and teaching of others. They organize and maintain. They prevent many messes and clean up many more. Again, their jobs go unnoticed by all who don't personally interact with them unless something goes wrong (at which point they get handed a lot of blame).
3. Support can also connote enduring, uplifting, sustaining under trial, supplying necessities of life, upholding, or advocating.
4. Both husbands and wives are counseled in the scriptures and by modern prophets to support one another. We are specifically told that women have claim on their husbands for their support both temporally (D&C 83:2) and in the church (D&C 25:9). And I think that women naturally tend to take on a support role in the home to complement the husband's injunction to provide temporally for the family, but don't always give ourselves credit for our own role and influence and the ways our husbands support us, leading to a martyr complex among many and the modern view that women shouldn't be "just housewives."

For us, part of becoming one as husband and wife has been learning to support one another in our various roles. It requires us to help each other by expressing our desires and needs in loving and timely ways so that we can understand and meet each other's expectations. It requires us to recognize and thank each other for the contributions we each make.  It requires a great deal of give and take when one or the other of us may be struggling, and it requires us to learn to scale back our expectations when we are both struggling.

Like the support structure in a building or the support staff in a school, we tend to overlook the importance of that supporting role until some crisis comes about, and then suddenly we see all the holes in the foundation of our habits. In times of stress it is suddenly clear how unwisely I've used my time, or how I've failed to express frequent love and gratitude, or how letting little things go over time has lead to a lot of extra work and trouble. I think that is why our Church leaders constantly counsel us to pay attention to the basics that comprise the support structure in our lives and families--to evaluate our choices and relationships, and to cultivate love and understanding through regular, planned togetherness where communication can take place under the influence of the Spirit. 

And frankly, being a support for a spouse and family is a whole lot of work, requires a lot of diligence, and can seem thankless at times. I just have to let go of less important things and work, work, work away at the important ones, because in the end that is what upholds us when the trials come along.

A Soft Answer

I love this quote from Elder Zwick:

The writer of Proverbs counsels, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). A “soft answer” consists of a reasoned response—disciplined words from a humble heart. It does not mean we never speak directly or that we compromise doctrinal truth. Words that may be firm in information can be soft in spirit.

I have a hard enough time doing this now when my kids are little; I need a lot of practice in composure and self-control before they become teenagers!

This also reminds me of the word "meek" and how my understanding of it has been affected by the misguided worldly perception that it is synonymous with "weak." Meekness is a vital spiritual strength and attribute of Christ.

Meekness, however, is more than self-restraint; it is the presentation of self in a posture of kindness and gentleness, reflecting certitude, strength, serenity, and a healthy self-esteem and self-control.

-Neal A. Maxwell

Those are things I could certainly use more of on a daily basis.

My talk on Fidelity in Marriage and Relationships

I gave this talk on Sunday. I left out about 2/3 of the quotes I have here, and of course ended up giving it a bit differently than I wrote it, but the gist is the same.

Fidelity in Marriage and Relationships

As I first started reading up in preparation for this talk, the majority of the discourses I found focused on condemning all of the aspects of infidelity. We all know and understand what those are. We know how devastating adultery and pornography can be to sacred relationships. We know that small indiscretions and flirtations can damage precious relationship and lead to serious sin. We know that unfaithfulness in parents can have lasting effects on children for generations to come. But, thankfully, I didn’t feel the need, nor could I bear to spend an entire talk on those things, to, as Jacob put it, enlarge the wounds of those who are already wounded, instead of consoling and healing their wounds; and those who have not been wounded, instead of feasting upon the pleasing word of God have daggers placed to pierce their souls and wound their delicate minds.

Instead I’d like to focus on what we can do to build fidelity in our marriages and our family and personal relationships, including our relationships with ourselves and with God, because when we are actively, continually, and carefully working to build our relationships, it is much less likely that we will fall into temptation with respect to them.

Joseph Smith taught that Happiness is the object and design of our existence; and will be the end thereof, if we pursue the path that leads to it; and this path is virtue, uprightness, faithfulness, holiness, and keeping all the commandments of God. (Teachings, p. 255-256)

While the world may teach that happiness is a product of the pleasure of outward circumstances, the Gospel of Jesus Christ tells us that happiness is the product of personal righteousness. The greater our fidelity to the Lord and to others, the greater our peace and happiness will be and the more the Lord will be able to pour out His guidance and blessings upon us. We achieve this by making and keeping sacred covenants that bind us to the Lord and school us in becoming like He is.

Meanings of fidelity:

·         Loyalty

·         Faithfulness

·         Adherence to truth

·         Accuracy and exactness

·         Strict observance of duties and promises

Lasting, loving relationships of any kind cannot survive without fidelity; without each participant living so as to earn and retain the trust of others and the approbation of God.

When I think of fidelity in this light, the 13^th article of faith comes to mind. To me, it provides great practical instruction for how to join our fidelity to God with our fidelity to others. We Believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men. To me this embodies fidelity. We start by avoiding deceit and keeping our promises, being honest, true and chaste. We deepen our fidelity by seeking continually to do good and be virtuous and kind in all of our interactions.

We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. Do we trust and hope for the best in others, enduring hard things with them and lifting them up? There is no fidelity if we abandon others in the hard moments.

If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report, or praiseworthy, we seek after these things. Fidelity also requires that we look for the true version of those around us, seeing them as God sees them and as they can become. When we look for the worst, compare and compete, criticize and tear down, we are not being true to God, to each other, or even to ourselves. Ironically, it can be easiest to fall into this trap with respect to those closest to us because we know them the best and want them to meet our expectations. But as the Article says, we must seek after the things that are lovely, good, praiseworthy, or virtuous.

I struggle with this with my children; at the end of the day, I too often feel like I’ve spent all of our interactions in breaking up fights and putting out fires; that my children have received a lot of supposed discipline without a lot of encouragement. While I do need to let them know when they have made a mistake, they need to know even more when they have been kind and thoughtful. Looking for the good in others enables us to see truth, or things as they really are. Then we will see the true, high-fidelity picture of our loved ones. Ultimately, as we lift each other, all of us will get closer to God.  

In a 1979 address at BYU,  Spencer W. Kimball said: Like some of the very sophisticated recording equipment I hear in your rooms, we not only need fidelity at this university, we need high fidelity. We need great faith on your part, for we live in a time of temptation and opposition. Allegiance to the straight and narrow path of Christ is crucial, and it has implications for you far beyond a dress and grooming code or a stated paragraph of moral behavior. We live in a day when our allegiance is being sorely tested. Satan is succeeding too well in many places, and he succeeds when he entices any person to excuse himself in wrong doing. Almost all dishonesty owes its existence and growth to that inward distortion we call self-justification. It is the first, and worst, and most insidious form of cheating: We are cheating ourselves. (“On My Honor,” BYU Address 1979)

* Bishop Richard C. Edgely: Honesty is the basis of a true Christian life. For Latter-day Saints, honesty is an important requirement for entering the Lord’s holy temple. Honesty is embedded in the covenants that we make in the temple. Each Sunday as we partake of the holy emblems of the Savior’s flesh and blood, we again renew our basic and sacred covenants—which encompass honesty. As Latter-day Saints we have a sacred obligation to not only teach the principles of honesty, but also to live them… Honesty should be among the most fundamental values that govern our everyday living.

When we are true to the sacred principles of honesty and integrity, we are true to our faith, and we are true to ourselves.

Oct 2006. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2006/10/three-towels-and-a-25-cent-newspaper?lang=eng&query=true+to+covenants

The world has much to say about what it means to be “true to ourselves,” and it mostly has to do with being “who you are” in the sense that you shouldn’t have to try to change anything to gain others’ approval. This can be an insidious twist on a true principle. We are children of God. We have inherent value, and all deserve to be loved and treated with kindness. However, being true to our eternal, divine selves means looking beyond our current state and working toward reaching our eternal potential. The Plan of Salvation teaches us that our true self is not a collection of my quirks, habits, and moods, that I put out on a “take it or leave it basis.” When I am true to myself, I demand more of myself. I see beyond and work to emulate the Savior, whose life and work embody what I can become.

As a character trait, our fidelity grows as we make and keep sacred covenants with God; those covenants bind us to be true in our treatment of others at all times, in all things, and in all places that we may be in.

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin said of this responsibility: The Saints are to be absolutely without guile in every aspect of their lives: in their homes and families, Church callings, all business dealings, and, especially, the private and personal parts of their lives into which only they and the Lord see.

I suggest that we look into our hearts and see whether our motives and actions are pure and above reproach and to see whether we are free of deceit and fraud. Perhaps we can ask ourselves a few questions. (I’ll list just a few of these questions, as he lists many):

Are we totally free of guile in our conversations and associations with our spouses and children so they always know what to expect and always have unquestioning trust and confidence in us?

Are we satisfied with our personal standards of integrity, morality, and honesty? Can we say of ourselves, as Jesus said of Nathanael, that we are without guile?

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, “Without Guile,” April 1998.  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1988/04/without-guile?lang=eng&query=true+to+covenants

When we are true to the Lord and to ourselves, it will not be a huge leap to keep the covenant to be true to our spouses.

With respect to marriage specifically, the Lord has set out a clear outline for spouses in The Family: A Proclamation: Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalms 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.

The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. 

As Ezra Taft Benson taught: “Fidelity to one’s marriage vows is absolutely essential for love, trust, and peace. Adultery is unequivocally condemned by the Lord.

“Husbands and wives who love each other will find that love and loyalty are reciprocated. This love will provide a nurturing atmosphere for the emotional growth of children. Family life should be a time of happiness and joy that children can look back on with fond memories and associations” (Ezra Taft Benson, “Salvation—A Family Affair,” Ensign, July 1992, 2; or student manual, 283).

Before I go further, I want to emphasize a couple of points, as this subject can be a sensitive one for many. For the marriage covenant to be honored, both spouses must be faithful and true to each other and to becoming their best selves. It is a tried and true principle that you can’t fix a marriage by focusing on the other spouse’s faults, but it is also true that you can’t fix a marriage alone. Both spouses must be seeking to make the marriage work, seeking the other’s well-being before their own, and seeking to put the Lord above all. While I hope that we won’t focus on the failures of others, I also hope that none will feel themselves a failure because their best efforts did not change the bad choices of another. Loving and forgiving does not require enduring abuse or mistreatment; both spouses must choose to be true to their covenants. Having spent some time and study on family law and domestic abuse, I have learned that the same words that can rightly guide and encourage one marriage may make an abused spouse feel guilt at not being able to fix something out of their control, or obliged to remain in a harmful situation. I hope that the thoughts and quotes that I share are taken with that understanding in mind. And for all, regardless of what may be in our past or even our present, the Atonement is available and powerful, and things of the past can be made clean and should be left behind.

Jumping back in a bit more, as I’ve mentioned, fidelity goes beyond simply avoiding lying or cheating. It requires a continual building of love and trust. If we neglect these things, we not only risk our bond with our spouse, but we risk compromising the trust and growth of our children. It is likely that their own families will come to reflect what we have exemplified to them to a greater or lesser degree.

* ELDER DURREL A. WOOLSEY, “An Eternal Key” nov 1990 It is absolutely essential that you set an undeviating course of loyalty and faithfulness to your companion, to whom you have previously made these very commitments and promises. The example of your great love and respect for her, the two of you being as one, will establish a singular guiding strength that your children will desire to follow. Your voices and actions blending together in a united front as you teach and lead your little family will be the trumpet with a certain sound of strength and unity leading to safety. Synonyms of fidelity are allegiance and devotion. They will be critical supports to your foundation of fidelity.

Then-Elder Thomas S. Monson gave this advice: As parents, we should remember that our lives may be the book from the family library which the children most treasure. Are our examples worthy of emulation? Do we live in such a way that a son or a daughter may say, “I want to follow my dad,” or “I want to be like my mother”? Unlike the book on the library shelf, the covers of which shield the contents, our lives cannot be closed. Parents, we truly are an open book. Pres. Thomas S. Monson, “Hallmarks of a Happy Home,” Oct. 1988.  https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1988/10/hallmarks-of-a-happy-home?lang=eng&query=happiness+the+object+of+our+existence

Much has been said about how to set this kind of example and continually build a celestial marriage relationship. Now if this talk wasn’t already enough like a quote book, it’s about to get worse. Here we go.

To wives and husbands the Lord has said: D&C 25:14  Wherefore, lift up thy heart and rejoice, and cleave unto the covenants which thou has made. Continue in the spirit of meekness, and beware of pride. Let thy soul delight in thy husband, and the glory which shall come upon him.

D&C 42:22-23  Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else.

President Kimball said: It is not enough to refrain from adultery. We need to make the marriage relationship sacred, to sacrifice and work to maintain the warmth and respect which we enjoyed during courtship. God intended marriage to be eternal, sealed by the power of the priesthood, to last beyond the grave. Daily acts of courtesy and kindness, conscientiously and lovingly carried out, are part of what the Lord expects” (President Kimball in Conference Report, Oct. 1978, 7; or Ensign, Nov. 1978, 6).

Here I think I might add that in addition to giving daily acts of kindness, we should be careful in recognizing them. Sometimes when I am in one of those moods, I will get worked up about things that I wish John had done, and I completely overlook the things that he did do to show that he cares – stopping his studies to help me with the boys, changing diapers, jumping in to help me when I am getting stressed out even though he has a lot on his own plate, or taking the screaming baby when I’m at the end of my rope. We’re at a place where our wallets can’t afford a lot of flowers and our waistlines can’t afford a lot of chocolates, but I am finding that the best “I love you’s” can come in much more mundane ways.

President David O. McKay said, “There is no great thing the man or woman can do to keep love alive and healthy, but there are many little things given daily, and, if possible, hourly—a kind word, a courteous act, a smile, an endearing term, a sparkle in the eye, an unexpected service, a birthday greeting, a remembering of the wedding anniversary—these and a hundred other seemingly insignificant deeds and expressions are the food upon which love thrives.” (Secrets of a Happy Life, Englewood Cliffs, N.J.: Prentice-Hall, 1960, p. 18.)

Richard L. Evans said this: All things need watching, working at, caring for, and marriage is no exception. Marriage is not something to be indifferently treated or abused, or something that simply takes care of itself. Nothing neglected will remain as it was or is, or will fail to deteriorate. All things need attention, care and concern, and especially so in this most sensitive of all relationships of life. (Richard L. Evans in Richard L. Evans’ Quote Book, Salt Lake City, Publishers Press, 1971, p. 16.)

And President Hinckley: Be loyal in your family relationships. I have witnessed much of the best and much of the worst in marriage. Every week I have the responsibility of acting on requests for cancellation of temple sealings. …I am grateful to be able to say that divorce is much less frequent with those married in the temple. But even among these there is far more divorce than there should be.

The bride and groom come to the house of the Lord professing their love one for another. They enter into solemn and eternal covenants with each other and with the Lord. Their relationship is sealed in an eternal compact. No one expects every marriage to work out perfectly. But one might expect that every marriage in the house of the Lord would carry with it a covenant of loyalty one to another.

I have long felt that the greatest factor in a happy marriage is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion. In most cases selfishness is the leading factor that causes argument, separation, divorce, and broken hearts.

Brethren, the Lord expects something better of us. He expects something better than is to be found in the world. Never forget that it was you who selected your companion. It was you who felt that there was no one else in all the world quite like her. It was you who wished to have her forever. But in too many cases the image of the temple experience fades. A lustful desire may be the cause. Faultfinding replaces praise. When we look for the worst in anyone, we will find it.

…

Brethren, be loyal to your companion. May your marriage be blessed with an uncompromising loyalty one to another. Find your happiness with one another. Give your companion the opportunity to grow in her own interests, to develop her own talents, to fly in her own way, and to experience her own sense of accomplishment.

President Hinckley, “Loyalty,” April 2003. https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2003/04/loyalty?lang=eng&query=true+to+covenants

On another occasion he elaborated: Selfishness is the antithesis of love. It is a cankering expression of greed. It destroys self-discipline. It obliterates loyalty. It tears up sacred covenants. It afflicts both men and women. (Pres. Hinckley, in Conference Report, Apr. 1991, 96; or Ensign, May 1991, 73).

I am very blessed to have had a wonderful example growing up in my loving, loyal parents who put each other and us before themselves. They had their share of trials and troubles, but their love of the Lord and of each other took first priority and they remained faithful to each other. Though I know they had their differences at times, I never heard either of them say a disparaging thing about the other to us or to anyone else.

I have been really grateful for this example in my marriage. Because I tend to do a lot of self-deprecating and poking fun at myself, when we were first married I found myself lumping John in with myself and doing the same with him. Sometimes I would catch myself and wonder if what I had said may have been hurtful, and I’ve tried to be more careful. Frankly, I am very lucky that he really doesn’t give me any material for complaining, but at times it seems like others make sport of pointing out and laughing at their spouses’ weaknesses or habits. In those moments I try to make sure that my loyalty remains with John in the things that I say to others, whether he hears them or not, and whether it is in jest or not. John has been very considerate in doing the same for me, and it has meant that we have been able to freely trust each other with our thoughts, feelings, concerns, and fears, having the confidence that neither will intentionally hurt the other.

In a March, 1979 Liahona article, Veon G. Smith pointed out three myths that can undermine marriages: The first myth says, “If I have my wedding in the temple, the marriage will take care of itself.” But it won’t. Marriage is a dynamic interaction between two growing, changing people, and it requires constant focus on the quality of that interaction if the marriage is to be close and meaningful. A temple marriage does not automatically guarantee a celestial marriage—or even a pleasant one.

The second myth says, “If the marriage is not successful, I should start over.” But success is not an instant achievement. By definition, marriage is a continuing process, not a final stage. Consequently, it will be more successful at some points than at others. Many people want or expect instant success in all dimensions of marriage; if any aspect seems less than perfect, one despairs and thinks, “I married the wrong person.” This attitude frequently turns one’s attention toward someone other than his marriage partner.

The third myth says, “Loving my spouse does not preclude the possibility of becoming involved with anyone else.” The task for every married person is to maintain loyalty and fidelity with one person; the spouse. It is inappropriate to feel and express to others the same love feelings one expresses to a spouse.

He continues:

Fidelity, like infidelity, is a process. Fidelity, the positive quality is measured by the degree of loyalty, allegiance, and commitment between husband and wife. Infidelity, the negative quality, results from insufficient feelings of loyalty and allegiance. Any action that fosters inappropriate relationships with another person erodes fidelity.

Two souls, united in matrimony, can achieve spiritual and temporal unity only if they constantly increase their friendship, love, and loyalty by expressing their feelings verbally, by maintaining mutual respect, and by demonstrating concern for each other.

…

Like most illnesses, infidelity is easier to prevent than to remedy, and the best prevention is to work hard at developing a good marriage. Temple marriage, entered into with a firm commitment to make the marriage an eternal relationship, is a solid foundation. Strong personal commitment, not only to one’s spouse, but to the institution of marriage as it has been divinely ordained, emphasizes the necessity of faithfulness—not only faithfulness to another person, but faithfulness to our Father in heaven.

https://www.lds.org/liahona/1979/03/warning-signs-of-infidelity?lang=eng&query=fidelity

In closing, I think that desire expressed by Elder Holland sums up how I have come to view the concept of fidelity: Fidelity in marriage, and really in any relationship, requires being true both to the other person and also to ourselves and to the Lord. “May the joy of our fidelity to the highest and best within us be ours as we keep our love and our marriages, our society and our souls, as pure as they were meant to be, I pray” (Jeffrey R. Holland, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/place-no-more-for-the-enemy-of-my-soul?lang=eng&query=fidelity). 

A Keeper on Education in the Home

"The Home as an Educational Institution" by G. Homer Durham, April 1979 General Conference.

Teach them...

In the last months I have been working and pondering a lot on being a better parent and teaching my children the Gospel more effectively. Tonight's reading of Alma's counsel to his sons was right to the point.

What should I focus on?

[T]each them an everlasting hatred against sin and iniquity. Preach unto them repentance, and faith on the Lord Jesus Christ; teach them to humble themselves and to be meek and lowly in heart; teach them to withstand every temptation of the devil, with their faith on the Lord Jesus Christ. Teach them never to be weary of good works, but to be meek and lowly in heart, or such shall find rest to their souls. O remember my son, and learn wisdom in thy youth; yea, learn in thy youth to keep the commandments of God.

-Alma 37:32-35

How should I go about it?

And I would that ye would be diligent and temperate in all things.

-Alma 38:10

Use boldness, but not overbearance; and also see that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love; see that ye refrain from idleness.

-Alma 38:12

This last one was especially poignant as earlier in the evening we had a drawn out conflict with our oldest, who was bent on fighting about everything and being contrary, alternating between throwing a fit in his room and coming downstairs to provoke the fight again. I was on my last strand of patience, and it took all of my self control to keep my voice low and remind him of what we had already told him several times. After several prayers I was able to calm down, get him calmed down, and we had a productive talk about what "Godly sorrow" means and how we behave when we are truly sorry and want to change our behavior instead of starting the fight anew. It required me bridling my passion of anger and frustration for me to be filled with love and to better address my child's need. It's something I need to do more often and more consistently!

More on Loving the Sinner

I have in my heart a love for all of God’s children. I have no ill feeling toward any human being. With you, I hate sin, but I love the sinner. We all have need to repent.
-Ezra Taft Benson, The Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson (1988), 75.

My special assignment as a General Authority is to assist the First Presidency in bringing people who have committed serious sins back into the Church. I receive, organize, and summarize information for the First Presidency to use in making decisions. I must read the background material to make certain that all pertinent information is available to them. As I read the heartbreak contained in letters of people pleading for forgiveness, I realize the truth of Alma’s statement: “Behold, I say unto you, wickedness never was happiness.” (Alma 41:10.) My heart goes out to those sufferers in a spirit of forgiveness. And instead of dwelling on the wickedness and grief of those who have sinned, I rejoice to read how many have abandoned their sinful practices and are now on the road back to righteousness and happiness. People can and do change.

When people are disfellowshipped or excommunicated from the Church, it is done not to punish but to help them. Church discipline requires this action, but we should remember that the word discipline has the same root as the word disciple. A disciple is a student or follower—one who is learning. Church discipline, then, must become a teaching process. When a person is disciplined, he should not be thrust out and abandoned by his associates. It is exactly at that time that we need to show increased love for such people, to teach and show them the way back to God. It is wicked to reject a child of God simply because he made an error. We need to teach him how to start anew, to change evil practices into righteous deeds, and thus to transform his life. With repentance through service to others, he can be reinstated into fellowship or washed clean in the waters of baptism and brought back into the family of God.

To teach people to overcome sin and change their lives for the better is the sum and substance of Christian service. We must do everything in our power to help sinners to change their lives for the better. Otherwise, as the scriptures warn us, we will have to shoulder their sins ourselves. Our obligation is to teach and help them, and the sinner’s obligation is to listen and learn. He will have to bear the whole burden himself if he refuses. But regardless of his present attitude, we must never abandon him nor think his reformation is hopeless. There is hope for everyone, and we must never cease trying to help people understand that through the atonement of Jesus Christ not only the sins of mankind in general but also their personal sins can be forgiven.
-Theodore M. Burton, "To Forgive is Divine," CR April 1983.

President Spencer W. Kimball often said that we should hate the sin but love the sinner. We should fellowship him who has gone astray and love him back into the fold.

Recently I interviewed a young lady who needed clearance from a General Authority before she could go on a mission. As she came in, I could see that she was very concerned about the interview. I assured her that she could go on this mission that she had been working toward for the past few years. Then she burst into tears, and they flowed freely down both cheeks. I asked her to tell me about her concerns. She started by saying that during her young teenage years she left home and started a life with her peers, thinking this was what she wanted. After about two and a half years she became involved with drugs and all kinds of worldly ways and was living a life of sex and loose morals. One day, as she groveled in self-pity, like the story of the prodigal son, she decided to return home because she realized that nothing good could come from her life-style.

Humbly, she returned home to her parents. To her surprise, they took her in and blessed her with medical help and the love that she never appreciated before. After four years of rehabilitation, she had a desire to serve the Lord as a missionary and worked closely with her bishop and stake president to qualify for this calling.

I told her that when she received her call as a missionary, she would bring into the hearts of her parents unspeakable joy, for their daughter who was lost had come alive again. I told her that all of the years of heartaches she had caused her parents, especially when they knew she was living close by and was steeped in drugs and doing all the things they had taught her were wrong—all of those heartaches would melt and swiftly disappear because now she had straightened herself out and desired to serve her Father in Heaven. When she received her call, there would be no higher honor paid to her parents, especially her mother who brought her into the world and nursed her and nurtured her. I told this young lady that missionary work is not easy, but the joy that she will receive from her labors as a missionary will be an eternal blessing that she will cherish forever and ever.
-Adney Y. Komatsu, "Keep His Commandments," BYU Fireside February 2, 1986.

A person’s ability to love unconditionally can have powerful effects. Seeing another person in an eternal perspective, knowing that he is of infinite worth, helps us to look beyond his weaknesses. However, if we criticize his behavior, he may see the criticism as a personal attack. Likewise, when a family member makes a mistake, and we find fault or strike back, that person may feel justified in acting as he did. Our challenge is to reject the sin without rejecting the sinner, to reach out and treat him with dignity and respect when he seems to deserve it the least.

. . .

Elder Jack H. Goaslind, Jr. related the following story about a mother whose daughter chose to go against Church standards:

“A good friend shared this story about how she learned the deeper meaning of love. Their family has always been active in the Church, trying their best to live the commandments. They were shocked and disappointed, however, when their daughter became engaged to a nonmember. The next day the mother was telling a good friend about her feelings. She knew her daughter’s fiance was a fine young man, but she felt angry, hurt, betrayed, and numb and did not want to give her daughter a wedding or even see her. She said that the Lord must have guided her to talk to her friend because she received this reply:

“‘What kind of a mother are you that you only love her when she does what you want her to do? That is selfish, self-centered, qualified love. It’s easy to love our children when they are good; but when they make mistakes, they need our love even more. We should love and care for them no matter what they do. It doesn’t mean we condone or approve of the errors, but we help, not condemn; love, not hate; forgive, not judge. We build them up rather than tear them down; we lead them, not desert them. We love when they are the most unlovable, and if you can’t or won’t do that, you are a poor mother.’”

“With tears streaming down her face, the mother asked her friend how she could ever thank her. The friend answered, ‘Do it for someone else when the need arises. Someone did it for me, and I will be eternally grateful.’” (In Conference Report, Apr. 1981, p. 79; or Ensign, May 1981, p. 60.)
-"Unconditional Love: The Key to Effective Parenthood," Family Home Evening Resource Book, 238.