Ammon and Great Missionary Work

 I have had plenty of lessons extolling Ammon as a missionary. And he was a great missionary. Most of  those focused on how he was willing to serve, how he was brave, and how God protected him and gave him power. All important things, but today my studies reminded me how normal Ammon was. And sometimes I need that because I don't see myself in heroes, but I do see myself in people who are trying, and don't really know what they are doing, but make an awkward attempt anyway. 

Let's recap Ammon's encounter with King Lamoni and see where I can relate.

Ammon arrives and is immediately arrested and brought before the king to see how he should be disposed of. The king asks if he desires to live among his people and Ammon says yes and reveals that he really doesn't know the long-term plan and may stay there forever for all he knows. 

Moving forward even though I don't have my future figured out? Been there, done that, doing that.

The king is happy with this answer and offers Ammon his daughter for a wife. Ammon declines and asks to be a servant. 

Attempt to tactfully dodge romantic advances that don't lead where I want to go? Did that a couple of times. 

Avoid awkwardness by being excessively helpful? Yes and yes.

Next Ammon goes out to work with the king's servants. Bad guys come and scatter the flocks, the servants melt down because they don't want to get killed, and Ammon sees an opportunity to show his power and win them over. 

Again with the excessive helpfulness. Right up my alley.

He helps them gather the sheep back together, but the bad guys are relentless and come back for more. Epic battle ensues in which Ammon kills six with his sling, then disarms his other attackers more literally than I like to imagine. 

This is the part that is usually emphasized in this story, and with which I relate 0%. I would not be cutting off any arms unless the Spirit straight up took over my brain and my body. I am not wired for blood and guts and certainly not for cutting off anyone's arms.

They head back to the king's complex and the rest of the guys bring back the loose arms. They take them to show the king while Ammon goes on to the next task they were supposed to do.

Avoiding attention? Not wanting to brag when I accomplished something that clearly wasn't my own strength? Being traumatized for harming people when I was trying to do what's right? Not wanting to show my face until my jobs are done? Yuppers.

Ammon finishes getting the king's horses ready and then goes back to report. When he walks in he can see that the king is looking troubled. Perhaps Ammon recalls how easily the king could call for his execution; he did just kill six of the king's subjects and severely maim several more. He was about to turn tail and back right out of that room when one of the servant addresses him with a title of high honor and asks him to stay.

Wanting to cut and run when I think someone may be mad at me? Most definitely yes.

Ammon gets bold and asks the king what he can do for him. And then he waits FOR AN HOUR. He stands there awkwardly for an hour.

This may be the thing I can relate to most of all. The pressure is on, I feel like I need to say something or explain myself or connect, and nothing. No words, brain racing and frozen at the same time.

After an hour Ammon asks again with no response, and THEN he is filled with the Spirit, at which time he asks the very obvious question of whether the king is troubled because he had just singlehandedly and superhumanly defended the king's flocks and servants. He is like, "What's so impressive about that? I'm just a man." And in this kind of obvious answer the Spirit speaks through him to King Lamoni, helps the latter articulate the real questions he has, and stops his brain paralysis.

Fumbling through just opening my mouth to say what the Lord might want me to say, feeling like maybe that didn't make any sense at all because I am really nothing, but somehow the Spirit speaks through that mess anyway? Exactly how I feel whenever I teach.

Ammon tells the king that he wants to serve him, and "whatsoever thou desirest which is right, that will I do."

Bonding through service? My go-to. The only way I know how to make friends and relate to people. I just want to do things for them and make them feel comfortable with me.

Ammon proceeds to answer the king's questions on the condition that the king will believe what Ammon says.

Not wanting to put myself out there if the person will reject the sacred thing I have to share? Yes yes yes.

I could go on but this covers the bulk of it. Of course I don't really know all of Ammon's personality, and I don't mean at all to downplay what a brave and bold missionary he was, but it is such a comfort to me to imagine these very human people feeling their way along in the work of the Lord and trusting that He will come through even when they don't know how that will all work out. That is something I feel like I can do for the cause, even if I'll never raise a sword in defense of the cause. So maybe I can liken Ammon's story to me after all.

Shame, Guilt, and Gospel

I went through a Brene Brown kick a while back where I listened to several of her audiobooks in a row. (I tend to do that with different authors.) She has so much good insight into the destructive power of shame in our lives and the gifts of vulnerability and refusing to hide when shame tells us to.

A key distinction that she and others in the psychotherapy world make is the difference between shame and guilt. Shame tells us that we are inherently flawed, and unworthy, and that we should shrink, hide, or disappear. It makes our sins and mistakes mean that we are not enough. Guilt, on the other hand, is a signal that our actions are out of alignment with who we are and our values, and that something needs to change. Guilt, essentially, leads to self-knowledge that we can use to repent. I would posit that guilt can be the godly sorrow mentioned in the scriptures, but shame cannot.

As I was reading the account of Lehi's vision this time around, I got stuck on the phrase, "And after they had partaken of the fruit of the tree they did cast their eyes about as if they were ashamed." (1 Nephi 8:25) It seems crazy that just after partaking of this most joyful fruit, the people could be shamed by the bullies in the great and spacious building. "And after they had tasted of the fruit they were ashamed, because of those that were scoffing at them; and they fell away into forbidden paths and were lost." (v. 28) It made me wonder in what ways shame might be hindering my progress in the Gospel.

One way that I know I have dropped the fruit, so to speak, is in my failure to share the Gospel with others. Last week I read the book The Power of Everyday Missionaries by Clay Christiansen, and it really laid out how the world convinces most of us in the Church that we can't and shouldn't share the Gospel all the time. And even knowing this, I am not sure I can open my mouth and say what I know I should. It seems so risky for some reason even though the only thing I have to lose is possibly the good opinion of others. That comes from shame--feeling like I need to hide who I am or reveal the Gospel only to those I know are interested. I plan to really pray and work on this because I realized just how much I am missing by not obeying that commandment and partaking of that fruit.

I looked for other references to shame in the Book of Mormon, and noticed this pattern: shame teaches us to hide, and the Lord says that the wicked will be ashamed in the presence of God. The righteous are instructed to put shame off and refuse to hide.

• Jacob 2:6, 6:9; Alma 12:15 - Wickedness will lead to feeling shame in the presence of God. The wicked will wish they could hide from Him because of their knowledge of their sins.
• 2 Nephi 7:5/Isaiah 50:6 - "I hid not my face from shame and spitting." The Lord was temped with shame just as we are, but he refused to hide. We follow Him when we stay in the light and refuse to hide, whether it be hiding what we know and avoiding the world's scorn or hiding our own sins from the Lord and from the world.
• 2 Nephi 9:18 - Saints who "despise the shame of [the world] shall inherit the Kingdom.
• Jacob 1:8 - men should bear the shame of the world, suffering Christ's cross. In this case, I don't think bear means to internalize it or accept it; I think it means not to hide from it or to turn inward because of it. To shake it off and keep living the Gospel out loud.
• 3 Nephi 22:4 - we shouldn't be confounded, "for thou shalt not be put to shame, shalt forget the shame of thy youth."

My conclusion was this: If we apply the Atonement of Jesus Christ to our lives, we should shed shame. The world will try to shame us, but discipleship requires us to disregard that shame. It requires us to be vulnerable in both our public and private life, and willing to lay bare our true selves. That means refusing to hide who we are and refusing to hide from our sins.

Satan will try to convince us when we fail that we are inherently incapable of change and of success, so we shouldn't try; we can't change so the only way forward is to shrink of God's presence, to hide our sins and weaknesses or to justify them in comparison and judgment of others around us. At its core this concept is really very typical of Lucifer, who has always attacked the agency of man. If we are inherently incapable of obedience, then we do not have the agency to choose it. This is not of God, and is a lie. Because of Christ's Atonement, we can choose to change and be made whole in Him, regardless of how many times we fail, as long as we are willing to admit our sins, turn to Him, and just keep trying.

So I'll keep trying to put off shame and to put on the armor of God--to choose to lay bare my sins before Him daily and to trust that He can make me more than I am. I'll choose to live and speak the Gospel more boldly and to be the same person at home, work, and play that I am in church. And when I fall short, that will be okay too.