How Is It Done?

I finished reading the Book of Mormon today. I have learned so much about his time through and have been reminded how much Christ should be the center of my life. As I have read and looked for Christ in each page and each verse, I came to see again that there is a lack in my life, a place in my heart that is walled in by fear; a place where I have a hard time letting Christ in, where I can’t seem to apply my faith.

I believe in a Christ. I know He loves me, that He loves and died for each of us, that we can all be forgiven and have hope in His Atonement. And yet I often can’t seem to feel that it applies to me. Let’s take this week’s example:

I have been working a lot for the last who-knows-how-long at not yelling and losing my temper with my kids. It is my natural reaction to their defiance, and even though I know that it really doesn't help to fix any problems, I still fall into it. And I hate it. I hate how I feel, I hate how my kids look at me, I hate the thought of treating my babies that way. I am ashamed of myself, and I question my life decisions and my fitness for motherhood each time I do it.

Last week I did really well. I refused to get triggered by a lot of things, I was patient with my kids, I made a huge effort to have a good attitude through Christmas stress and tantrums and gatherings and messes, and I was proud of myself. I let my kids have friends over for a whole day and I cleaned up after their messes and bought them pizza and dealt with their meltdowns. And then a child was rude and defiant and persistently in my face instead of letting me cool off like I asked him to and I absolutely lost it. Maybe the worst I have ever done. I released all of my frustration on him and was  just terrible. And then I could hardly look at my children for the rest of the night. I felt worthless and absolutely hopeless. I have been given so much and I just can’t get it right, can’t be who I am supposed to be, can’t really change. I keep trying without getting any better. How can that happen? How can I ever overcome and how could that kind of behavior ever be erased? I’ve already scarred my children with it, I’ve already seen them look at me the way I swore as a child I would never make them do. How can I recover from that?

All week the words of Enos in his prayer echoed in the back of my mind, “How is it done, Lord?” How can this guilt be lifted and this rift mended? How could all of this possibly be swept away when I am screwing it up so royally?

He answers, “Because of thy faith in Christ, whom thou hast never before heard nor seen.”

Enos didn’t just believe in Christ; he prayed all day and into the night with such earnestness that he called down an answer. He wrestled with himself before the Lord. And when God told him he was forgiven, he knew God couldn’t lie, so he believed.

Somewhere deep inside I am afraid to believe. Afraid to let go in case I am actually not enough, and my efforts aren’t enough to merit forgiveness. To be counted as His. Afraid that He really won’t make up for when I fail my children. Afraid that my failure will lead to theirs. And all that fear drives away my faith.

It was timely that I am as reading Moroni at this same time, because he taught me again about faith. How it leads to hope and love and every good thing, and not to despair. How Christ is calling me to Him and not looking for reasons to say I’m not enough or to punish me for my failings. He gave His life to bind up my wounds, and so that all of our imperfect efforts can be sanctified.

Tonight we had a little family counsel about the new Come, Follow Me curriculum and how we can make our home more gospel-centered. We talked about forgiveness, and about how we all mess up and even Mommy and Daddy are trying to do better so we can help each other. The same boy from the episode I described earlier declared, “You’re the best Mommy and the nicest Mommy in the world!”

My very sensitive and maybe more honest boy said, “Well, maybe you’re not the nicest mommy in the whole world, but I mean you’re nice.”

Thankfully I don't need to be the nicest or the best or the most perfect, because Christ did that already. But I can have hope that I can be nicer, better, and more perfect in Him.

Arnot on the Seed in the Thorny Ground

The earthly affections in the heart which render religion unfruitful in the life are enumerated under two heads,—“The care of this world,” and “the deceitfulness of riches;” the term riches includes also, as we may gather from Luke’s narrative, the pleasures which riches procure. Both from our own experience in the world and the specific terms employed by the Lord in the interpretation of the parable, we learn that all classes and all ranks are on this side exposed to danger. This is not a rich man’s business, or a poor man’s; it is every man’s business. The words point to the two extremes of worldly condition, and include all that lies between them. “The care of the world” becomes the snare of those who have little, and “the deceitfulness of riches,” the snare of those who have much. Thus the world wars against the soul, alike when it smiles and when it frowns. Rich and poor have in this matter no room and no right to cast stones at each other. Pinching want and luxurious profusion are, indeed, two widely diverse species of thorns; but when favoured by circumstances they are equally rank in their growth and equally effective in destroying the precious seed.

...

 It was where the seed and the thorns grew together that the mischief was done. If the grain is permitted to occupy alone the heart of the field, the thorns that grow outside and around it may constitute a hedge of defence, not only harmless but useful. There is a place for cares, and for riches too,—a place in which they help and do not hinder the kingdom of God. Kept in its own sphere, the lawful business of life becomes a protecting fence round the tender plant of grace in a Christian’s heart. Permit not the thorns to occupy the position which is due to the good seed. Not as rivals within the field, but as guards around it, earthly affairs are innocent and safe. “Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.”

-William Arnot, The Parables of Our Lord.

Talmage on Homemaking (Mary and Martha)

By inattention to household duties, the little touches that make or mar the family peace, many a woman has reduced her home to a comfortless house; and many another has eliminated the essential elements of home by her self-assumed and persistent drudgery, in which she denies to her dear ones the cheer of her loving companionship. One-sided service, however devoted, may become neglect. There is a time for labor inside the home as in the open; in every family time should be found for cultivating that better part, that one thing needful—true, spiritual development.

-James E. Talmage, Jesus the Christ.

Training of Children

From Uncle Tom's Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe:

"Since training children is the staple work of the human race," said Augustine, "I should think it something of a consideration that our system does not work well there."

Filling our Homes with Light and Truth

Here is the talk I gave a couple of weeks ago in Sacrament Meeting. Of course, when I gave it it came out materially different than how it is written; some things were added, some changed, and some excluded altogether. But here is the written version (mostly for my own benefit).

[Here I have chosen to excerpt the banal introduction I gave of our family]

I was asked to choose a talk on marriage and family from the Women’s Session of April General Conference, and am going to base my comments on Sister Cheryl A. Esplin’s remarks, entitled, “Filling our Homes with Light and Truth.”

Having four little boys, this topic is always a concern for me to certain extent, but I feel it has been dwelling in my mind and heart more particularly as we have moved and settled into our first semi-permanent home and our older boys are getting to the age where they are figuring out what the Gospel means and how it applies to us. The duty to make my home a place of peace and refuge, safe even from my own temper and impatience, presses on upon me frequently. As the Savior said to Joseph Smith, I have commanded you to bring up your children in light and truth. (D&C 93:40)

The Soda Can

Sister Esplin spoke of an example that she had seen demonstrated at a meeting many years ago. The presenter showed two soda cans. One was empty, and the other was unopened and filled with soda. The presenter then squeezed each can. The empty can was, of course, easily crushed, while the full can was impervious to the presenter’s grip.

Satan’s Efforts

We all know that the world is full of influences that seek to destroy our spiritual foundations and capitalize on any weakness that may be found in our homes. Sister Esplin said this: Satan knows that in order for us and our families to withstand the pressures of the world, we must be filled with light and gospel truth. So he does everything in his power to dilute, distort, and destroy the truth of the gospel and to keep us separated from that truth.

Satan has a remarkable ability to deceive, confuse, and imitate truth, and as a result we live among conditions long foretold where many put evil for good and good for evil (Isaiah 5:20). It can be a confusing place for anyone, no matter our age or experience. But if our goal is for our homes to be filled with light, you can see really how dangerous it is to confuse light and darkness. In order to combat Satan’s efforts, we must have a keen sense of spiritual discernment. This requires us to be sensitive to the promptings of the Holy Ghost through our obedience and loyalty to the Savior, His Gospel, and His chosen servants.

I am going to share one area where Satan is placing particular emphasis in our day: the doctrine of the family.  In another talk from the Women’s Session, Sister Oscarson counseled us to be defenders of the Family Proclamation, particularly of marriage, of the roles of mothers and fathers, and of the sanctity of the home.

Because the family is a topic close to our hearts, bringing much joy in many cases and unfortunately bringing much pain in others, it can be a sensitive one to talk about. Satan is quick to turn that sensitivity into offense, defensiveness, confusion, and contention. These reactions can quickly drive the Spirit out of a discussion or prevent us from receiving counsel in the spirit in which it is intended. In order to stand up as defenders of the truth, we need to know it, to understand it in its varied nuances and applications, and to receive the confirmation of the Holy Ghost so that we can testify of it with purity and power.

Each of us has a different set of experiences, blessings, trials, and gifts that will enable us to understand and defend the family and other gospel truths in special and unique ways. By utilizing this storehouse of all of our collective contributions, the Lord can combat Satan’s forces and gather His sheep from out of the world according to the needs of each individual or circumstance. That requires all of us to develop our own testimonies and refine our gifts in order to be able to be a part of that force on the Lord’s side.

Sister Esplin put it this way: Many of us have been baptized and have received the gift of the Holy Ghost, whose role it is to reveal and teach the truth of all things. With the privilege of that gift comes the responsibility to seek truth, to live the truth we know, and to share and defend the truth.

This idea of having a responsibility to seek, live, and defend truth was really impressed upon me one day in my constitutional law class during my first year of law school. We were speaking about the constitutional implications of California’s Proposition 8, which amended the California Constitution to specify the definition of marriage as between one man and one woman, and which was on the ballot at the time. As law professors are wont to do, he asked us for our analysis, and then challenged our responses (which is a nice way of saying that he summarily shot down most everything we said; at the time it seemed to me that this was the main job of law professors). Then he said something that has stuck with me ever since, and that was that we as law students and members of the Church need to be able to articulate our opinions and beliefs to the world in the terms that they understand. In our case, those terms were the terms of the law, and if I was going to say that the definition of marriage should remain between one man and one woman, I needed to be able to give a cogent constitutional analysis and be able to dig up the jurisprudence to support my opinion. The Lord needs people who can articulate His position and stand for it in every type of venue, and if I was receiving the gift of a legal education, I needed to put in the time and effort to consecrate that gift for the defense of truth in my sphere.

It certainly is not just lawyers who the Lord needs to use our gifts and experiences to stand up and defend the home and family; it is all of us. As I have mentioned, my husband John, for example, has a very different educational background from me. Last year during a clinical rotation in psychiatry, John commented to me that without fail, every patient that he saw with severe ongoing problems had some sort of family trauma or abuse in their past. He was reminded how important strong, righteous families are and how much damage can be done when parents don’t provide that for their children. His experiences will enable him to defend Gospel truths regarding the family in a much different way than I can. We can each fill our lives with light and truth by standing up to defend our homes and families through righteous living and by consecrating our talents and experiences to the Lord’s work.

Filling with Lesser Things

Another way that Satan seeks to distract us is by having us fill up our lives with things of lesser value, so that there is less room for light and truth in our lives and homes. Having little children at home has given me a lot of new perspective on what kind of media I want in my home and for myself personally. Whenever my kids are awake, if the TV is on it is usually a children’s show, and when they are asleep, I am usually too tired to watch anything geared toward adults. This has led to a kind of default media purge on my part, and I found that when I do see grown-up TV shows and commercials now, I am much more sensitive to the images, the messages, the innuendo, and the influences that I don’t want my children to see. And I began to think, if I don’t want my children to see this, does my Father want me to see it? Is it worthy of my time and attention?

When considering any media in our home, I think we could do well to ask ourselves these questions: (1) Is this something that would offend the Savior if He were watching with me? Would I feel the need to skip parts or change the channel? Would I find myself trying to justify or explain my viewing choice because of the images or language included? (2) What messages are being communicated to my family in this show? Pretty much any show, whether it be a drama, a comedy, or a documentary, has some kind of message. Some of the more dangerous messages are communicated to us without our recognizing them because they are weaved into a funny story or we say, “It’s just entertainment.” How are the women being treated and portrayed in the media we consume? How about the men? What are the attitudes about marriage and family? Is there irreverence toward God or others? (3) Do I feel uplifted and closer to my Savior after participating in this media, or do I feel farther away? Does the media I consume meet the standard set in the 13^th Article of Faith; is it virtuous, lovely, of good report, or praiseworthy (and not just for its comic appeal or special effects)?

The same could go for the music we listen to, the books we read, the art we view, and anything with which we fill our time and our homes. If we want to be filled with light and truth, we need to make room for it and not crowd it out with things of lesser value.

How to Fill Up

Now that we have opened up some space for more light and truth to enter, so to speak, how do we keep that space properly filled? Sister Esplin continued: When filled with the Spirit and with gospel truth, we have the power to withstand the outside forces of the world that surround and push against us. However, if we are not filled spiritually, we don’t have the inner strength to resist the outside pressures and can collapse when forces push against us.

If our homes are to be impervious to the attacks of the world, we need to consistently work to fill them with light and truth. And most of us know the “Primary answers” that teach us the basic things we need to do each day to fill ourselves up. For the word of the Lord is truth, and whatsoever is truth is light, and whatsoever is light is Spirit, even the Spirit of Jesus Christ. (D&C 84:45) As Sister Esplin said, We are continually counseled to increase our spiritual knowledge through prayer and through studying and pondering the scriptures and the words of the living prophets. 

Shortly after we had our first little boy Ethan, I recall thinking how the number of prayers and scripture study sessions in my life had multiplied in a few short years. When I was single, I worried only about my own personal scripture study and prayers. When John and I got married, I continued my own and we also tried to make it a priority to read and pray together daily. After Ethan was born he joined in on our routine, but then once he was big enough to understand a little, it was necessary to add a third separate family scripture study and prayer to the mix. At one point when I found myself short on patience or frustrated or down at home, I recall thinking how wise it was that the Lord had instructed us to have all of that study and prayer as we became parents, not just so that our children would learn, but because I needed so badly to be guided and taught constantly if I wanted to raise my children in light and truth.

I love this statement from Sister Esplin: Strong eternal families and Spirit-filled homes do not just happen. They take great effort, they take time, and they take each member of the family doing his or her part. Every home is different, but every home where even one individual seeks for truth can make a difference.

Consistent, Everyday Efforts

Having a home that is spiritually full means that every day we need to keep the counsel of prophets past and present, even when it seems that no one is listening or we can’t keep up or it isn’t making a difference. If we seek the Lord in prayer, He will consecrate our performance and our efforts to us, and that will make a great difference in what kind of foundation we and our children have to build on and how we will be able to withstand tests and trials in life.

This idea brings to mind an October 2009 talk by Elder David A. Bednar. He said, As our sons were growing up, our family did what you have done and what you now do. We had regular family prayer, scripture study, and family home evening. Now, I am sure what I am about to describe has never occurred in your home, but it did in ours.

Sometimes Sister Bednar and I wondered if our efforts to do these spiritually essential things were worthwhile. Now and then verses of scripture were read amid outbursts such as “He’s touching me!” “Make him stop looking at me!” “Mom, he’s breathing my air!” Sincere prayers occasionally were interrupted with giggling and poking. And with active, rambunctious boys, family home evening lessons did not always produce high levels of edification. At times Sister Bednar and I were exasperated because the righteous habits we worked so hard to foster did not seem to yield immediately the spiritual results we wanted and expected.

This seems like my life exactly! This last week, for example, I spent some extra time preparing something for Family Home Evening that I thought was fairly important for the boys. However, I ended up feeling like I spent most of the lesson trying to corral the boys and threatening to withhold the treat at the end if they didn’t sit down and listen. So I am particularly encouraged by what Elder Bednar shared next: 

Today if you could ask our adult sons what they remember about family prayer, scripture study, and family home evening, I believe I know how they would answer. They likely would not identify a particular prayer or a specific instance of scripture study or an especially meaningful family home evening lesson as the defining moment in their spiritual development. What they would say they remember is that as a family we were consistent.

Sister Bednar and I thought helping our sons understand the content of a particular lesson or a specific scripture was the ultimate outcome. But such a result does not occur each time we study or pray or learn together. The consistency of our intent and work was perhaps the greatest lesson—a lesson we did not fully appreciate at the time.

Elder Bednar then likened our efforts at home to a painting composed of thousands of tiny brushstrokes:  Each family prayer, each episode of family scripture study, and each family home evening is a brushstroke on the canvas of our souls. No one event may appear to be very impressive or memorable. But just as the yellow and gold and brown strokes of paint complement each other and produce an impressive masterpiece, so our consistency in doing seemingly small things can lead to significant spiritual results. “Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great” (D&C 64:33). Consistency is a key principle as we lay the foundation of a great work in our individual lives and as we become more diligent and concerned in our own homes.

I know that as we consistently strive to seek after the Lord and to invite His Spirit into our homes through our everyday obedience, He will grant us the guidance we need to keep our homes safe and filled with light. As He said, Blessed are all they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled with the Holy Ghost. (Matthew 5:6, 3 Nephi 12:6) If we seek daily to feed our Spirits just as surely as we seek to appease our hunger and nourish our bodies, we will be filled with the light and truth we seek.

The Temple

In addition to consistent study, prayer, and gospel teaching, our attendance at the temple will help us to fill our homes with light and truth. What better way to see and feel what a light-filled home should be like than to attend the very House of the Lord? As the Psalmist said, O send out thy light and thy truth: let them lead me; let them bring me unto thy holy hill, and to thy tabernacles. (Psalm 43:3) The mountain of the Lord is the standard to which our homes should aspire. That isn’t to say that we should beat ourselves up about having imperfect homes; that is an inevitability of life. I recall reading an account in the Ensign a few years ago in which a sister told about a cleaning assignment at the temple. The supervising Brother told the volunteers that they were not there to clean things that were dirty, but to keep that sacred place from every becoming dirty; to keep it unspotted. (“Unspotted From the World,” July 2012) My first thought was, if my home is supposed to be like the temple, I am never going to manage that! What’s the point? And of course in that line of thought, I entirely missed the point.

Just as we aspire to build ideal families even though inevitably that isn’t possible for everyone, we can aspire to make our homes clean both temporally and spiritually so that the Spirit can dwell in them. Just because we can’t achieve an ideal doesn’t mean that its shining example is not of value! By definition an ideal is a state of perfection, an ultimate objective and not a working model. But day by day we work in our own homes, and the more we see and bring that reminder of the Lord’s sacred house and the eternal family formed therein, the better we can better shape our homes according to that image.

We talk of Christ

And my final and most basic point centers in the One who is the center of everything we do in the Church and in our homes, who Himself is the way, the truth, and the life¸and the Light of the World. Paul counseled the Ephesians to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God. (Ephesians 3:19) Weekly we are reminded that if we always remember Christ, we may always have His spirit to be with us. Nephi said, And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins. (2 Nephi 25:26) Christ Himself said, he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life. (John 8:12)

If we want our homes to be filled with light and truth, we must make Him feel at home there through the things with which we fill our space, our time, and our hearts. If our hearts are set on Him and our priority is helping our family members come to know and follow Him, His spirit will fill our homes and make them safe havens from the pressures of the outside world.

I am so grateful for the peace and the assurance that comes from that promise, and particularly for what it means for my children. Despite my failings and imperfections, if I press on, seeking and defending truth, teaching it consistently, seeking it in the Lord’s house, and following Him who is its very definition, my children will know to what source they may look for light and truth, redemption and forgiveness.

I know that Christ lives. He loves us. He wants to bless and guide and comfort us. He is our advocate with the Father, which to me as an attorney means He is on our side, understanding our motives, looking for every possible argument in our favor, and seeking forgiveness and leniency for our sins and mistakes. If we make room for Him in our homes by loving Him and keeping His commandments, He will fill them with His presence, which is light and truth. As he said, If a man love me, he will keep my words: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him. (John 14:23)

Hallmarks of a Happy Home

As we are settling into our new home and decided what to do and how much to spend on improvements and changes and whatnot, I got to thinking about which things are most important. Of course President Monson put things in perspective for me.

Happiness does not consist of a glut of luxury, the world’s idea of a “good time.” Nor must we search for it in faraway places with strange-sounding names. Happiness is found at home.

All of us remember the home of our childhood. Interestingly, our thoughts do not dwell on whether the house was large or small, the neighborhood fashionable or downtrodden. Rather, we delight in the experiences we shared as a family. The home is the laboratory of our lives, and what we learn there largely determines what we do when we leave there.

-Thomas S. Monson, "Hallmarks of a Happy Home," April 1988.

Teaching and Showing

And thou shalt teach them ordinances and laws, an shalt shew them the way wherein they must walk, and the work that they must do.

Exodus 18:20

This was a good reminder tonight that while the laws and ordinances of God must be taught, my children will really only learn how to walk in the covenant and apply the Gospel through example. Too often I don't live up to the bar I try to set for them, but I hope at least they see me trying and repenting and changing so that they will know the way.

"A Large Family of Small Children"

I am starting to understand where this sister is coming from...

https://www.lds.org/ensign/1986/03/a-large-family-of-small-children?lang=eng

Today as I headed into the doctor's office, a woman was waiting for me to get my boys out of my car so she could get into hers. The usual ensued: "Three boys! Wow! You must be busy! . . . Oh, and you're having another! Do you know what it is? . . . Another boy! Wow. . ."

That wow is too often accompanied by a look of pity, because obviously we only had more children on the off chance that we might get a girl instead of another boy, and now we had failed and were stuck with four boys. I wish I had the time and words to explain, "No, this is awesome! We are so excited and blessed to have four boys! Our life is great, even if it's crazy, and even if it's not anything like yours." I don't know exactly how many children we will have or when we will have them; The Lord doesn't tend to give me information about life decisions until they need to be made. But I feel with this one I have already crossed the threshold into what the world considers that land of "crazy" people who have too many kids. I hope I can be a really happy crazy person that teaches many children to be good, loving, Christlike people.

Covenants: Things that Bear Repeating

Sister Burton shared this in the April Women's Meeting, and it was repeated again Saturday night. It surely bears remembering.

The best way to strengthen a home, current or future, is to keep covenants, promises we’ve made to each other and to God.

That’s what disciples do!

We tend so often to look to Pinterest boards and elaborate ideas to help our families along, but those things don't do much unless we are focused on the basics, on making and keeping sacred covenants with God, and applying the Atonement of Jesus Christ in our lives and families.

A Soft Answer

I love this quote from Elder Zwick:

The writer of Proverbs counsels, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). A “soft answer” consists of a reasoned response—disciplined words from a humble heart. It does not mean we never speak directly or that we compromise doctrinal truth. Words that may be firm in information can be soft in spirit.

I have a hard enough time doing this now when my kids are little; I need a lot of practice in composure and self-control before they become teenagers!

This also reminds me of the word "meek" and how my understanding of it has been affected by the misguided worldly perception that it is synonymous with "weak." Meekness is a vital spiritual strength and attribute of Christ.

Meekness, however, is more than self-restraint; it is the presentation of self in a posture of kindness and gentleness, reflecting certitude, strength, serenity, and a healthy self-esteem and self-control.

-Neal A. Maxwell

Those are things I could certainly use more of on a daily basis.

A Keeper on Education in the Home

"The Home as an Educational Institution" by G. Homer Durham, April 1979 General Conference.

Teach them...

In the last months I have been working and pondering a lot on being a better parent and teaching my children the Gospel more effectively. Tonight's reading of Alma's counsel to his sons was right to the point.

What should I focus on?

[T]each them an everlasting hatred against sin and iniquity. Preach unto them repentance, and faith on the Lord Jesus Christ; teach them to humble themselves and to be meek and lowly in heart; teach them to withstand every temptation of the devil, with their faith on the Lord Jesus Christ. Teach them never to be weary of good works, but to be meek and lowly in heart, or such shall find rest to their souls. O remember my son, and learn wisdom in thy youth; yea, learn in thy youth to keep the commandments of God.

-Alma 37:32-35

How should I go about it?

And I would that ye would be diligent and temperate in all things.

-Alma 38:10

Use boldness, but not overbearance; and also see that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love; see that ye refrain from idleness.

-Alma 38:12

This last one was especially poignant as earlier in the evening we had a drawn out conflict with our oldest, who was bent on fighting about everything and being contrary, alternating between throwing a fit in his room and coming downstairs to provoke the fight again. I was on my last strand of patience, and it took all of my self control to keep my voice low and remind him of what we had already told him several times. After several prayers I was able to calm down, get him calmed down, and we had a productive talk about what "Godly sorrow" means and how we behave when we are truly sorry and want to change our behavior instead of starting the fight anew. It required me bridling my passion of anger and frustration for me to be filled with love and to better address my child's need. It's something I need to do more often and more consistently!

More on Loving the Sinner

I have in my heart a love for all of God’s children. I have no ill feeling toward any human being. With you, I hate sin, but I love the sinner. We all have need to repent.
-Ezra Taft Benson, The Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson (1988), 75.

My special assignment as a General Authority is to assist the First Presidency in bringing people who have committed serious sins back into the Church. I receive, organize, and summarize information for the First Presidency to use in making decisions. I must read the background material to make certain that all pertinent information is available to them. As I read the heartbreak contained in letters of people pleading for forgiveness, I realize the truth of Alma’s statement: “Behold, I say unto you, wickedness never was happiness.” (Alma 41:10.) My heart goes out to those sufferers in a spirit of forgiveness. And instead of dwelling on the wickedness and grief of those who have sinned, I rejoice to read how many have abandoned their sinful practices and are now on the road back to righteousness and happiness. People can and do change.

When people are disfellowshipped or excommunicated from the Church, it is done not to punish but to help them. Church discipline requires this action, but we should remember that the word discipline has the same root as the word disciple. A disciple is a student or follower—one who is learning. Church discipline, then, must become a teaching process. When a person is disciplined, he should not be thrust out and abandoned by his associates. It is exactly at that time that we need to show increased love for such people, to teach and show them the way back to God. It is wicked to reject a child of God simply because he made an error. We need to teach him how to start anew, to change evil practices into righteous deeds, and thus to transform his life. With repentance through service to others, he can be reinstated into fellowship or washed clean in the waters of baptism and brought back into the family of God.

To teach people to overcome sin and change their lives for the better is the sum and substance of Christian service. We must do everything in our power to help sinners to change their lives for the better. Otherwise, as the scriptures warn us, we will have to shoulder their sins ourselves. Our obligation is to teach and help them, and the sinner’s obligation is to listen and learn. He will have to bear the whole burden himself if he refuses. But regardless of his present attitude, we must never abandon him nor think his reformation is hopeless. There is hope for everyone, and we must never cease trying to help people understand that through the atonement of Jesus Christ not only the sins of mankind in general but also their personal sins can be forgiven.
-Theodore M. Burton, "To Forgive is Divine," CR April 1983.

President Spencer W. Kimball often said that we should hate the sin but love the sinner. We should fellowship him who has gone astray and love him back into the fold.

Recently I interviewed a young lady who needed clearance from a General Authority before she could go on a mission. As she came in, I could see that she was very concerned about the interview. I assured her that she could go on this mission that she had been working toward for the past few years. Then she burst into tears, and they flowed freely down both cheeks. I asked her to tell me about her concerns. She started by saying that during her young teenage years she left home and started a life with her peers, thinking this was what she wanted. After about two and a half years she became involved with drugs and all kinds of worldly ways and was living a life of sex and loose morals. One day, as she groveled in self-pity, like the story of the prodigal son, she decided to return home because she realized that nothing good could come from her life-style.

Humbly, she returned home to her parents. To her surprise, they took her in and blessed her with medical help and the love that she never appreciated before. After four years of rehabilitation, she had a desire to serve the Lord as a missionary and worked closely with her bishop and stake president to qualify for this calling.

I told her that when she received her call as a missionary, she would bring into the hearts of her parents unspeakable joy, for their daughter who was lost had come alive again. I told her that all of the years of heartaches she had caused her parents, especially when they knew she was living close by and was steeped in drugs and doing all the things they had taught her were wrong—all of those heartaches would melt and swiftly disappear because now she had straightened herself out and desired to serve her Father in Heaven. When she received her call, there would be no higher honor paid to her parents, especially her mother who brought her into the world and nursed her and nurtured her. I told this young lady that missionary work is not easy, but the joy that she will receive from her labors as a missionary will be an eternal blessing that she will cherish forever and ever.
-Adney Y. Komatsu, "Keep His Commandments," BYU Fireside February 2, 1986.

A person’s ability to love unconditionally can have powerful effects. Seeing another person in an eternal perspective, knowing that he is of infinite worth, helps us to look beyond his weaknesses. However, if we criticize his behavior, he may see the criticism as a personal attack. Likewise, when a family member makes a mistake, and we find fault or strike back, that person may feel justified in acting as he did. Our challenge is to reject the sin without rejecting the sinner, to reach out and treat him with dignity and respect when he seems to deserve it the least.

. . .

Elder Jack H. Goaslind, Jr. related the following story about a mother whose daughter chose to go against Church standards:

“A good friend shared this story about how she learned the deeper meaning of love. Their family has always been active in the Church, trying their best to live the commandments. They were shocked and disappointed, however, when their daughter became engaged to a nonmember. The next day the mother was telling a good friend about her feelings. She knew her daughter’s fiance was a fine young man, but she felt angry, hurt, betrayed, and numb and did not want to give her daughter a wedding or even see her. She said that the Lord must have guided her to talk to her friend because she received this reply:

“‘What kind of a mother are you that you only love her when she does what you want her to do? That is selfish, self-centered, qualified love. It’s easy to love our children when they are good; but when they make mistakes, they need our love even more. We should love and care for them no matter what they do. It doesn’t mean we condone or approve of the errors, but we help, not condemn; love, not hate; forgive, not judge. We build them up rather than tear them down; we lead them, not desert them. We love when they are the most unlovable, and if you can’t or won’t do that, you are a poor mother.’”

“With tears streaming down her face, the mother asked her friend how she could ever thank her. The friend answered, ‘Do it for someone else when the need arises. Someone did it for me, and I will be eternally grateful.’” (In Conference Report, Apr. 1981, p. 79; or Ensign, May 1981, p. 60.)
-"Unconditional Love: The Key to Effective Parenthood," Family Home Evening Resource Book, 238.

The Family Stories that Bind Us

This is a really cool article posted earlier this year in The New York Times.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/17/fashion/the-family-stories-that-bind-us-this-life.html?pagewanted=1&_r=2&adxnnlx=1384968298-DwqHlAH7D4YIh/JZFGCwrw

Turns out family history is just as important for us to know as it is for us to "do." So true!

Stress, Speaking, and Calm.

I have been a bit uptight lately. And when I say uptight, I mean I go between wanting to scream and cry several times daily. We are getting ready to move, the house is far from being ready for our renters, I have two kiddos in the won't-listen-until-you-force-them stage, one newly potty-trained and one who is regressing (probably because I'm stressed out, making this a seriously vicious cycle), both who enjoy pushing the other's buttons. And my husband is studying twelve hours a day for an exam he will take less than 24 hours before we need to vacate our house, so I am mostly on my own with all of this. The main result seems to be that my patience is much thinner than usual (and it really isn't that good in general), and my kiddos only get attention when they demand it. Not good.

I read this blog post today and it is so true! Even though I don't like it, my attitude and my demeanor set the tone for our home. Sure, the kids may throw a tantrum even when I am being perfectly mild, but they won't snap back out of it if I melt down with them. And I have been melting down way too much lately. I needed some guidance and some buoying up for the next two weeks of craziness before *hopefully* things settle down after we move, and going back to General Conference did not disappoint in that regard (it never does!). There are some real gems that were hard truths for me right now when I've got some repenting to do:

Sister Wixom on The Words We Speak
Elder Scott, For Peace at Home

As overwhelming as life can sometimes be with three little dictators making constant demands, it is comforting to be reminded that all those little things I try to do really can add up to make a difference, and that they matter. I need to remember that, say a prayer, invite the Spirit, take a deep breath, and keep it together, because if my children can't confidently lean on me in the meantime, I can't guide them to the Rock where they need to build their foundation.

Spiritual Toddlers

I love this quote from President Uchtdorf in the Priesthood session of this last General Conference:

It can be discouraging at times to know what it means to be a son of God and yet come up short. The adversary likes to take advantage of these feelings. Satan would rather that you define yourself by your sins instead of your divine potential. Brethren, don’t listen to him.

We have all seen a toddler learn to walk. He takes a small step and totters. He falls. Do we scold such an attempt? Of course not. What father would punish a toddler for stumbling? We encourage, we applaud, and we praise because with every small step, the child is becoming more like his parents.

Now, brethren, compared to the perfection of God, we mortals are scarcely more than awkward, faltering toddlers. But our loving Heavenly Father wants us to become more like Him, and, dear brethren, that should be our eternal goal too. God understands that we get there not in an instant but by taking one step at a time.

I do not believe in a God who would set up rules and commandments only to wait for us to fail so He could punish us. I believe in a Heavenly Father who is loving and caring and who rejoices in our every effort to stand tall and walk toward Him. Even when we stumble, He urges us not to be discouraged—never to give up or flee our allotted field of service—but to take courage, find our faith, and keep trying.

Our Father in Heaven mentors His children and often sends unseen heavenly help to those who desire to follow the Savior.

Consistency

For as I, the Lord God, liveth, even so my words cannot return void, for as they go forth out of my mouth they must be fulfilled.

Moses 4:30

I think it no coincidence that one of the points that always comes up in discussions of parenting and discipline is following through and being consistent. That is how Heavenly Father parents us. If our words "return void" after they have gone out of our mouths, our children won't be able to develop trust and faith in us, and they won't be motivated to follow us.

Vision of the Book of Mormon

I have a vision of homes alerted, of classes alive, and of pulpits aflame with the spirit of Book of Mormon messages.

I have a vision of home teachers and visiting teachers, ward and branch officers, and stake and mission leaders counseling our people out of the most correct of any book on earth--the Book of Mormon...

I have a vision of thousands of missionaries going into the mission field with hundreds of passages memorized from the Book of Mormon so that they might feed the needs of a spiritually famished world.

I have a vision of the whole Church getting nearer to God by abiding by the precepts of the Book of Mormon."

-Ezra Taft Benson, Ensign, May 1986, pp. 5-6.

Learning and Little Ones

I feel that in today's General Conference sessions, as well as in April Conference, there was a lot of focus on children. And right now, little children are my life. I have to admit that I don't always relish that fact like I should. I am not very pleasant when I am sleep deprived, and I have a rather low tolerance for whining. These combined facts have lately made me guilty on a daily basis of that sin for which it is said that being tied to a millstone and drowned would be a merciful punishment: offending my little ones.

I seem to be always snapping or losing patience with some little fellow, always getting on the wrong side of the line between disciplining and punishing, always forgetting that these are pure and innocent beings that I am dealing with. And I think that motherhood is meant to be that way. If anything has shown me my weakness, it is being at home all day with three boys three and under. Most of the time I feel like I am a disaster. But at the same time I know that this time is precious, both because of the sweetness of being with these little ones and because of the joy that comes from turning to the Lord in my weakness and receiving the comfort that I can be made strong through Him.

So I'll keep reminding myself that babies sleep eventually, that my bathroom won't be a cesspool forever (they are bound to learn to aim at some point, right?), that one day my house will actually stay clean after I clean it and I won't find Cheerios in every nook, cranny, and crevice, and that when that day comes, I will cherish and miss these sweet days surrounded by little ones--diapers, Cheerios, and all.

Unspeakable and full of Glory

Helaman 5 retells the remarkable conversion of a few hundred Lamanites and Nephite dissenters. They had imprisoned Nephi and Lehi, and gone back to the prison to finish them off. As they set about to do so, the prophet-missionaries were encircled about by fire and given power over their captors, who were enveloped in darkness which would not disperse until they prayed in the name of the Savior. It is an amazing story, but my new favorite part is how they described what they felt when the darkness dispersed and they were encircled in the fire that had surrounded Nephi and Lehi:

...yea, they were encircled about; yea, they were as if in the midst of a flaming fire... and they were filled with the joy which is unspeakable and filled with glory."   Helaman 5:44

I love that description of the Spirit! It so encapsulates for me many moments when I have been filled with and taught by the Spirit. It is indescribable, but this is probably one of the better descriptions I have read. So quiet, and yet so glorious!

I remember a lot of moments like this in my Institute classes when a confusion was resolved or a doubt addressed as I studied. Lately they come in the simple moments with my kids when I am filled with love and gratitude and testimony that this is my purpose and the fulness of my creation. They have come snuggling my little guy and singing "I Am A Child of God" together, or watching my 3-year-old jump happily on his bed. They have come watching my husband help me with projects around the house or prepare for his Church callings or play with the kids. Perhaps unsurprisingly, they don't come when I am worrying or running around like a crazed woman; they come when I stop to contemplate the light around me and cry to the Savior in humility and thanks, when I cease to marvel and doubt (v. 49) and instead contemplate the light and allow myself to be filled with charity.