Nevertheless I went forth.

 The last couple of weeks I have lost a lot of sleep over an immigration case in which a mistake had been made that put us in a situation where I didn't see a path forward for the client, who happens also to be a church member. I prayed and fasted about it and nothing came. Court was a few days away and I felt I had nothing good to tell them. I finally set up an appointment to talk to them and convince them to plan for removal, and in the morning I started listening to the Book of Mormon audiobook on the new app, since I set a goal to read the Book of Mormon between now and the end of the year now that I finished reading D&C. 

One of my favorite verses hit me again in the context of my current situation. "And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do. Nevertheless I went forth..."

I didn't know what to do. And maybe in the end I could do nothing except be with this client through this trial and "comfort those that stand in need of comfort." But I could take the next step I could think of and go forward.

And I met with the clients and gave them the news, and it was so upsetting to the mother that she finally shared some terrible things that had happened that she hadn't told anyone before. And those things gave me the basis for an asylum application that would not be frivolous and that could at least give the client more time if not eventually gain his residency.

So today I've got to put together an entire asylum application package. I'm not sure how I'll get it done.

Nevertheless, I'll go forth.

Ammon and Great Missionary Work

 I have had plenty of lessons extolling Ammon as a missionary. And he was a great missionary. Most of  those focused on how he was willing to serve, how he was brave, and how God protected him and gave him power. All important things, but today my studies reminded me how normal Ammon was. And sometimes I need that because I don't see myself in heroes, but I do see myself in people who are trying, and don't really know what they are doing, but make an awkward attempt anyway. 

Let's recap Ammon's encounter with King Lamoni and see where I can relate.

Ammon arrives and is immediately arrested and brought before the king to see how he should be disposed of. The king asks if he desires to live among his people and Ammon says yes and reveals that he really doesn't know the long-term plan and may stay there forever for all he knows. 

Moving forward even though I don't have my future figured out? Been there, done that, doing that.

The king is happy with this answer and offers Ammon his daughter for a wife. Ammon declines and asks to be a servant. 

Attempt to tactfully dodge romantic advances that don't lead where I want to go? Did that a couple of times. 

Avoid awkwardness by being excessively helpful? Yes and yes.

Next Ammon goes out to work with the king's servants. Bad guys come and scatter the flocks, the servants melt down because they don't want to get killed, and Ammon sees an opportunity to show his power and win them over. 

Again with the excessive helpfulness. Right up my alley.

He helps them gather the sheep back together, but the bad guys are relentless and come back for more. Epic battle ensues in which Ammon kills six with his sling, then disarms his other attackers more literally than I like to imagine. 

This is the part that is usually emphasized in this story, and with which I relate 0%. I would not be cutting off any arms unless the Spirit straight up took over my brain and my body. I am not wired for blood and guts and certainly not for cutting off anyone's arms.

They head back to the king's complex and the rest of the guys bring back the loose arms. They take them to show the king while Ammon goes on to the next task they were supposed to do.

Avoiding attention? Not wanting to brag when I accomplished something that clearly wasn't my own strength? Being traumatized for harming people when I was trying to do what's right? Not wanting to show my face until my jobs are done? Yuppers.

Ammon finishes getting the king's horses ready and then goes back to report. When he walks in he can see that the king is looking troubled. Perhaps Ammon recalls how easily the king could call for his execution; he did just kill six of the king's subjects and severely maim several more. He was about to turn tail and back right out of that room when one of the servant addresses him with a title of high honor and asks him to stay.

Wanting to cut and run when I think someone may be mad at me? Most definitely yes.

Ammon gets bold and asks the king what he can do for him. And then he waits FOR AN HOUR. He stands there awkwardly for an hour.

This may be the thing I can relate to most of all. The pressure is on, I feel like I need to say something or explain myself or connect, and nothing. No words, brain racing and frozen at the same time.

After an hour Ammon asks again with no response, and THEN he is filled with the Spirit, at which time he asks the very obvious question of whether the king is troubled because he had just singlehandedly and superhumanly defended the king's flocks and servants. He is like, "What's so impressive about that? I'm just a man." And in this kind of obvious answer the Spirit speaks through him to King Lamoni, helps the latter articulate the real questions he has, and stops his brain paralysis.

Fumbling through just opening my mouth to say what the Lord might want me to say, feeling like maybe that didn't make any sense at all because I am really nothing, but somehow the Spirit speaks through that mess anyway? Exactly how I feel whenever I teach.

Ammon tells the king that he wants to serve him, and "whatsoever thou desirest which is right, that will I do."

Bonding through service? My go-to. The only way I know how to make friends and relate to people. I just want to do things for them and make them feel comfortable with me.

Ammon proceeds to answer the king's questions on the condition that the king will believe what Ammon says.

Not wanting to put myself out there if the person will reject the sacred thing I have to share? Yes yes yes.

I could go on but this covers the bulk of it. Of course I don't really know all of Ammon's personality, and I don't mean at all to downplay what a brave and bold missionary he was, but it is such a comfort to me to imagine these very human people feeling their way along in the work of the Lord and trusting that He will come through even when they don't know how that will all work out. That is something I feel like I can do for the cause, even if I'll never raise a sword in defense of the cause. So maybe I can liken Ammon's story to me after all.

Dross

Last night I was reading in Alma 32 and thinking about the downtrodden poor. Those who have been cast out of society, who are viewed as excessive. Unworthy. Trash. The scum left when purification has found the rest of us to be acceptable. And I thought about how I am doing, both in how I judge others I meet and what I am doing to lift others out of poverty.

Then today I came across this timely post, and I wanted to hold on to it for future reference. Here you go:

On Contempt for the Poor

Tolstoy on the True Life

From The Gospel in Brief

We must understand the true life, what it is. The true life is brought to light always in the lost being brought back to where they belong; in the awakening of those who slept. People who have the true life, who are restored to the source of their being, cannot, like worldly men, take account of others as better or worse; but, being sharers of the Father's life, they can take delight only in the return of the lost to their Father. If a son, who has gone astray and left his father, should repent, and return, how then could the other sons of the same father grudge at the father's joy, or themselves not rejoice at the brother's return?

...

The true life of the fulfilment of the Father's will is not in the life of the past, or of the future, but it is the life of now, the life which all must live at this instant of time. Therefore one must never relax the true life in them. Men are set to watch over life, not of the past or the future, but the life now being lived; and in that, to fulfil the will of the Father of all men. If they let this life escape them, by not fulfilling the Father's will, then they will not receive it back again; just as a watchman, set upon a night-long watch, does not perform his duty if he fall asleep even for a moment; for in this moment a thief may come. Therefore a man must concentrate his strength in the present hour, for in this hour only can he fulfil the Father's will. And that will is life and blessing for all men. Only those live who are doing good. Good done to men, now in this hour, is life, life which unites us with the common Father.

Doing No Harm

More gold from Uncle Tom's Cabin, p. 282:

"One should have expected some terrible enormities charged to those who are excluded from Heaven, as the reason; but no,--they are condemned for not doing positive good, as if that included every possible harm."

"Perhaps," said Miss Ophelia, "it is impossible for a person who does no good not to do harm."

How They Served

President Eyring on those to whom the Lord will say "well done":

It will not be the offices held or the time served that will be weighed in the balance with the Lord. We know this from the Lord’s parable of the laborers in the vineyard, where the pay was the same regardless of how long they served or where. They will be rewarded for how they served.

Full talk here.

The Typical Relief Society Sister: Who You Really Are

I love Sister Elaine Jack's perspective on comparisons and talents. So glad I came across this talk!

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1990/10/these-things-are-manifested-unto-us-plainly?lang=eng&query=support+husband

No greater heroine lives in today’s world than the woman who is quietly doing her part. Generally unsung, you live everywhere . . . You show your love for the Lord daily as you support husbands, nurture children, care for parents, benefit neighbors, serve in your schools, sit on community councils, and do much of the work of this world in and out of the home. No one is more impressive than you.

I promised to introduce you to the typical Relief Society sister.

The good news is that she actually does exist.

The better news is that she is wonderful.

The best news is that she’s you! And this is who you really are!

On the flip side, comparison can also lead us to be judgmental to others, not just to ourselves. Another more recent quote:

The adversary would have us be critical or judgmental of one another. He wants us to concentrate on our differences and compare ourselves to one another. . . .

[T]here is nothing that is worth us losing our compassion and sisterhood over. We just need to relax and rejoice in our divine differences. We need to realize that we all desire to serve in the kingdom, using our unique talents and gifts in our own ways. Then we can enjoy our sisterhood and our associations and begin to serve. . . .

If there are barriers, it is because we ourselves have created them. We must stop concentrating on our differences and look for what we have in common; then we can begin to realize our greatest potential and achieve the greatest good in this world.

-Sister Bonnie L. Oscarson, April 2014

As we stop comparing not only will we see who we really are, we will also who our sisters really are, and will be filled with charity--the watchword of our organization--in a greater measure.

The Enoch Letters: Zion and the Lord's work

I just read The Enoch Letters by Neal A. Maxwell. It is a unique piece of fiction coming from a General Authority (I think it was written when he was assistant to the twelve), and a really interesting study of how the commandments and doctrines must be applied in order to prepare Zion for the Savior's presence. Very important for our dispensation especially. Here is one of many quotes I liked; this one focuses on a few points that I have pondered on quite a bit in the last years and tried to incorporate better into my daily life:

The Lord's work is work, but it is sweet labor. It is work usually done step by step in the process of time. Small daily duties well done have led to a big difference... for it is by small means that the Lord can bring about great things. There is no easy way to rush righteousness. it is as if our very neighbor is all mankind, and thus we can see how much there is yet to do in the combining of our time and talents before we can truly be said to love our neighbors as ourselves.

-p. 29

True Believers, Discipleship, and Commandments

Clearly, we cannot become true believers in Christ merely by keeping the sixth commandment--"Thou shalt not kill."

Discipleship, therefore, means being drawn by seemingly small and routine duties toward the fulfillment of the two great and most challenging commandments.

-Neal A. Maxwell, True Believers in Christ, BYU Devotional 7 October 1980.

I think I could post a new Maxwell quote that I love every single day for the rest of my life and not run out.

Caregiving and Friends

I just watched this talk by President Eyring while I was folding laundry:

The Caregiver, General Relief Society Meeting October 2012

And a friend of mine from high school recently wrote this about mommyhood and making/being friends:

On Being a Good Friend

Both of them got me thinking tonight. I am super guilty of being a bad friend/not making friends. I am guilty of talking more than listening. I am guilty of neglecting even the people in my stewardship because I am too wrapped up in being self-conscious, too frustrated with kids, too concerned with the state of my house or nap schedules or even just that it is a pain to get my kids into shoes and strap them in the car.

Some of the scaling back is okay and needed in this season of my life, but some of it has become a layer of excuses for not engaging the way I should, for not investing myself in others, for not reaching out and loving selflessly because, let's face it, I'm overwhelmed as is and we'll be leaving soon anyway.

Satan is so tricky! Always trying to convince me that extending my love to others will increase my load rather than lightening it. Always trying to tell me that I will be happier as a hermit because it is easier, as if ease were a desirable objective in and of itself. I didn't have kids because it's easy, why should I keep us all cooped up in the house out of selfishness because that is easy? And guess what!? It actually isn't easier because we are all happier when we don't fall into that rut!

So I have been dragging myself out of the house. Getting dressed so I won't be embarrassed to see people. Taking my kids to the park and playing with them to boot. Visiting my sister and her kids who live 20 minutes from here but we would go weeks without seeing. Writing sincere notes, chatting, and calling people when I think about them. Visiting the sisters I am called to visit and love. And each time I am so happy! I am happy now just thinking of a couple of recent conversations! I know there is so much more I could be doing, but for now I am just working on opening myself up so that when opportunities come I can actually take them and enjoy them. There is a reason the Lord organizes His Church in communities; we are happier when we go outside ourselves, even if it is hard.

The Diversities of Operations

This is one of those spiritual gifts that doesn't get a lot of attention, probably because it's not really clear what it means. Here's Joseph Fielding McConkie and Craig Ostler's take from Revelations of the Restoration, p. 366:

The diversity of gifts found in the community of Saints suggests that there are a host of tasks that need doing and a variety of ways in which they can be done. It is expected that all faithful Saints will labor in their callings, using the gifts that God has given them. For this reason people are called to serve in various capacities for a time when their gift or gifts are particularly needed. We find the apostle Paul saying, "I have planted, Apollos watered" (1 Corinthians 3:6), to which it might be added, another pruned, and still another harvested, each doing that for which he was best suited. Surely, this has been true with those men called to stand at the head of the Church. EAch has been endowed with the particular gifts needed during the time of his administration. The Prophet Joseph laid the foundation of this dispensation as no other man could. Yet, perhaps he would not have been Brigham's match in leading the Saints across the plains and colonizing the Great Basin. And so it has been with one prophet after another, each specially prepared to meet the challenges of that time for which he was called.

The "diversity of operations" could also be understood to embrace different ways particular gifts are manifest. The gift of healing, for instance, finds expression in one person's ability to administer healing herbs, the ability of another to heal through a priesthood blessing, and in still another the power to say, "Rise up and walk" (Acts 3:6). Indeed, we read of one who was healed simply by touching the hem of the Master's garment (Matthew 9:20-23).

The King's Image

Image from http://www.2-clicks-coins.com/article/how-to-collect-and-maintain-your-coins.html

I know I've been posting a lot of Widtsoe quotes, but I LOVE this:

     "A lump of silver is but a lump of silver in the marketplace, sold by weight under the changing market price. If that lump of silver be passed through the mint it becomes something more than a lump of silver. The King's Image pressed upon it makes it coin of the realm. Thenceforth with a value above its weight and market price it is in the King's service.
     "A human life is but a human life, lost in the multitude of indifferent lives, unless it enters the King's service, unless the King's image be impressed upon it. Then it becomes current coin of the King's realm, which may purchase joy, happiness, satisfaction, otherwise unattainable. Does a life bear the King's image? That is a vital question.
     "How may we so coin our lives? How secure the impress of the King's image? It is not a secret. By losing and forgetting ourselves in a great work, a mighty cause. Thus, we enter the King's service. Thus, we come to bear the King's image. Unselfishness! Selflessness! Great words; greater ideals! Keys to the solution of the world's problems! He who forgets himself in noble service will have success thrust upon him. Whoever mingles with his eating and drinking, with his daily toil and moneymaking, with his pleasure and his pain, the act of loving service of his noblest ideal, will rise to the heights, above the clouds, with the envying multitude below. He will be in the King's service. There is really no other way to true success.
     "You ask for the parts of the spiritual minting press? Here I sum! Faith in God; love of truth; obedience to law; courage to say no; sincerity in labor; temperance in all things; generosity, virtue, and industry. These are elements out of which unselfishness is born, and by which the King's image is impressed upon human lives.
     "...[M]ore seeking after truth, more sharing of it with others, until all of life becomes a mission of service in the King's Cause, until all may know that we are in royal service, in the service of the King of Kings. So is success won and joy obtained--everlastingly."


-John A. Widtsoe, in Alan K. Parrish, John A Widtsoe, A Biography, pg. 512.

Preach My Gospel and Life's Key Indicators

For some time now (several months at least) I have been feeling like I should go back and study Preach My Gospel. There were things I needed to review and remember, habits from my mission that I should re-establish, and a focus on conversion that I hope to preserve as I teach in my family. But things kept coming up that separated me from my copies of the book (I have at least 3!), and I admittedly didn't pursue it as I should have. So of course John and I just received a calling that requires us to use it.

It reminds me of the biography of Elder Russel M. Nelson. Some time before his call to the Twelve, he felt impressed that he should learn how to play the organ and that he should get up extra early (you know, because as a surgeon he didn't get up early enough) to study the scriptures more thoroughly. He followed the Spirit and did both. And sure enough the call came, and he has been the organist during the meetings of the Twelve since then. Of course I didn't learn my lesson from the biography like I should have, but I finally did dig through our boxes to find a clean, new copy (#4?) of Preach My Gospel, and I've got some catching up to do.

After feeling a little bit stung and a lot inspired by Elder Arden's talk on using time wisely, I jumped to Chapter 8 this evening. A lot of the chapter focuses specifically on the key indicators for missionary work, and I was inclined to skip over it because it doesn't apply directly to me or my current callings (not to mention that I had gone over these hundreds and hundreds of times on the mission). But the first paragraphs of the chapter reminded me how the principles that apply to missionary work apply to all facets of our life. It doesn't even require that much creativity. Here they are, with my ideas added in:

You are assigned to do the Lord's work in a specific area [my home and family, my visiting teach-ees, my ward]. He wants you to watch over your area with love and great care. Your purpose is to help others come unto Him through baptism and confirmation [and temple covenants, and persisting in the gospel].

Do all you can to leave your area stronger than you found it. Meaningful goals and careful planning will help you accomplish what the Lord requires of you. As you care for the people in your assigned area, you will account to Him and to your mission leaders [my husband, my Relief Society Leaders, other ward leaders].

Your missionary call letter [patriarchal blessing, Church manuals of instruction, priesthood blessings, counsel when set apart, temple covenants, the scriptures] states:  'You will also be expected to devote all your time and attention to serving the Lord, leaving behind all other personal affairs [law of consecration]. As you do these things the Lord will bless you and you will become an effective advocate and messenger of the truth. We place in you our confidence and pray that the Lord will help you meet your responsibilities in fulfilling this sacred assignment.' This chapter will help you know how goal setting, planning, and accountability can help many people [my own children!, all who surround me] receive the restored gospel.

Stung again! So being thus inspired, I started thinking about what key indicators I should consider in my current callings. For more counsel on how all members should use Preach My Gospel, go here. Back to PMG (Preach my Gospel):

Perhaps you have wondered which of your many duties are the most important. To be able to answer this question, you must understand your purpose and know how effective use of time can help you fulfill this purpose. 

And here is the missionary statement of purpose:

Your purpose is to invite others to come unto Christ by helping them receive the restored gospel through faith in Jesus Christ and His Atonement, repentance, baptism, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, and enduring to the end.

This really isn't far from my purpose and calling. But I think one word is a bit narrow and another too broad for me as a wife/mom/VT/ward missionary/regular Church member.

The first word is invite. The missionaries do the inviting. They find and teach and challenge and baptize. But it is up to the rest of us to do the rest of the work. For example, I do need to invite my children to come unto Christ. But as a parent I have a responsibility that goes beyond inviting; it includes providing and preparing and often even proscribing and enforcing. So my key indicators need to be a bit more broad in their overarching objectives.

The second word is others. Not surprisingly, this word is a bit broad for my current callings. I do have a duty to everyone I meet (all my neighbors!), but I have been called to carry out a deeper and more focused work for specific people (my husband and children, people I visit teach, new members who need to be nurtured). So my personal key indicators need to reflect that the majority of my work is with a few important people.

I won't share my personal key indicators here (they're not formed yet, this post is already too long, and they will be different for everyone), but the important part of this study for me was reevaluating my purpose and considering what daily activities will contribute most to that purpose and what I should eliminate. It's something I think we all could do more often.

Sow, sow, sow.

Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap. For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting. And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not. As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith.

-Galatians 6:7-10

They that sow in tears shall reap in joy. He that goeth forth and weepeth, bearing precious seed, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.

-Psalms 126:5-6 

...to him that soweth righteousness shall be a sure reward.

-Proverbs 11:18

Fear not to do good, my sons, for whatsoever ye sow, that shall also ye reap; therefore, if ye sow good ye shall also reap good for your reward.

-Doctrine & Covenants 6:33

Considering thyself.

Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.

-Galatians 6:1

This takes me back a few (okay, several) years. I have always been blessed with really good friends. My patriarchal blessing counsels me to be selective and associate with people who have my same standards. In high school, about half of the people I spent my time with were LDS, and the other half might as well have been for the good influence they had on me (otherwise, they probably wouldn't have hung out with us). In college, pretty much every free moment was spent in a church-related activity (Institute, IWA, LDSSA, Relief Society, FHE, dances, callings, and other activities - they sure are good at keeping young adults too busy to get in trouble), and all of my friends were the same way. Then came a mission, then BYU Law (where I knew all of about 5 people who weren't members of the Church), then marriage and kids (which means I generally only hang out with moms from my wards).

Often I feel that the real challenge is finding someone who doesn't have my standards with whom I might share, and on occasion I've questioned whether I should try to find new circles of friends. But there is a danger in that, and I've seen it claim people I've known and loved. If you jump into a circle of people who are spiritually malnourished, it can turn into a black hole - sucking the light and life out of you. Thus Paul warns that we can't forget to maintain ourselves as we try to reach out. If, on the other hand, you draw someone with a spiritual hurt into a strong circle of good friends, they are easily uplifted and restored. I saw that multiple times in my group of friends at Long Beach State. They were amazing, and loved and lifted anyone who would come. So I suppose I want to have that again. It will require being in one place long enough to make like-minded friends (when will that happen?!?!), and then to reach out together to some who may need restoring. Kind of like this.

A Cheerful Giver.

"But this I say, He which soweth sparingly shall reap also sparingly; and he which soweth bountifully shall reap also bountifully. Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that ye, always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work..."

2 Corinthians 9:6-8

Not usually a grudging giver, but often lean toward doing things "of necessity" instead of doing them cheerfully. I'm generally pretty cheerful when I sign up, but then get bogged down in the execution, ignoring that last part about abounding in good works through grace (not through worry!).