Nevertheless I went forth.

 The last couple of weeks I have lost a lot of sleep over an immigration case in which a mistake had been made that put us in a situation where I didn't see a path forward for the client, who happens also to be a church member. I prayed and fasted about it and nothing came. Court was a few days away and I felt I had nothing good to tell them. I finally set up an appointment to talk to them and convince them to plan for removal, and in the morning I started listening to the Book of Mormon audiobook on the new app, since I set a goal to read the Book of Mormon between now and the end of the year now that I finished reading D&C. 

One of my favorite verses hit me again in the context of my current situation. "And I was led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do. Nevertheless I went forth..."

I didn't know what to do. And maybe in the end I could do nothing except be with this client through this trial and "comfort those that stand in need of comfort." But I could take the next step I could think of and go forward.

And I met with the clients and gave them the news, and it was so upsetting to the mother that she finally shared some terrible things that had happened that she hadn't told anyone before. And those things gave me the basis for an asylum application that would not be frivolous and that could at least give the client more time if not eventually gain his residency.

So today I've got to put together an entire asylum application package. I'm not sure how I'll get it done.

Nevertheless, I'll go forth.

Afflictions, Pain, and Joy

 

He adds joy.

How Is It Done?

I finished reading the Book of Mormon today. I have learned so much about his time through and have been reminded how much Christ should be the center of my life. As I have read and looked for Christ in each page and each verse, I came to see again that there is a lack in my life, a place in my heart that is walled in by fear; a place where I have a hard time letting Christ in, where I can’t seem to apply my faith.

I believe in a Christ. I know He loves me, that He loves and died for each of us, that we can all be forgiven and have hope in His Atonement. And yet I often can’t seem to feel that it applies to me. Let’s take this week’s example:

I have been working a lot for the last who-knows-how-long at not yelling and losing my temper with my kids. It is my natural reaction to their defiance, and even though I know that it really doesn't help to fix any problems, I still fall into it. And I hate it. I hate how I feel, I hate how my kids look at me, I hate the thought of treating my babies that way. I am ashamed of myself, and I question my life decisions and my fitness for motherhood each time I do it.

Last week I did really well. I refused to get triggered by a lot of things, I was patient with my kids, I made a huge effort to have a good attitude through Christmas stress and tantrums and gatherings and messes, and I was proud of myself. I let my kids have friends over for a whole day and I cleaned up after their messes and bought them pizza and dealt with their meltdowns. And then a child was rude and defiant and persistently in my face instead of letting me cool off like I asked him to and I absolutely lost it. Maybe the worst I have ever done. I released all of my frustration on him and was  just terrible. And then I could hardly look at my children for the rest of the night. I felt worthless and absolutely hopeless. I have been given so much and I just can’t get it right, can’t be who I am supposed to be, can’t really change. I keep trying without getting any better. How can that happen? How can I ever overcome and how could that kind of behavior ever be erased? I’ve already scarred my children with it, I’ve already seen them look at me the way I swore as a child I would never make them do. How can I recover from that?

All week the words of Enos in his prayer echoed in the back of my mind, “How is it done, Lord?” How can this guilt be lifted and this rift mended? How could all of this possibly be swept away when I am screwing it up so royally?

He answers, “Because of thy faith in Christ, whom thou hast never before heard nor seen.”

Enos didn’t just believe in Christ; he prayed all day and into the night with such earnestness that he called down an answer. He wrestled with himself before the Lord. And when God told him he was forgiven, he knew God couldn’t lie, so he believed.

Somewhere deep inside I am afraid to believe. Afraid to let go in case I am actually not enough, and my efforts aren’t enough to merit forgiveness. To be counted as His. Afraid that He really won’t make up for when I fail my children. Afraid that my failure will lead to theirs. And all that fear drives away my faith.

It was timely that I am as reading Moroni at this same time, because he taught me again about faith. How it leads to hope and love and every good thing, and not to despair. How Christ is calling me to Him and not looking for reasons to say I’m not enough or to punish me for my failings. He gave His life to bind up my wounds, and so that all of our imperfect efforts can be sanctified.

Tonight we had a little family counsel about the new Come, Follow Me curriculum and how we can make our home more gospel-centered. We talked about forgiveness, and about how we all mess up and even Mommy and Daddy are trying to do better so we can help each other. The same boy from the episode I described earlier declared, “You’re the best Mommy and the nicest Mommy in the world!”

My very sensitive and maybe more honest boy said, “Well, maybe you’re not the nicest mommy in the whole world, but I mean you’re nice.”

Thankfully I don't need to be the nicest or the best or the most perfect, because Christ did that already. But I can have hope that I can be nicer, better, and more perfect in Him.

Frankl on Attitude and Agency

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms--to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way. . . . It is this spiritual freedom--which cannot be taken away--that makes life meaningful and purposeful.

-Viktor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning, p. 66-67

Anger and Agency

FYI I am trying to stop letting things pile up on my (physical and electronic) desk, so here come a random assortment of things I noted on my Kindle.

We lose power and risk our agency when we allow anger to influence our decisions and control us. Example from the Book of Mormon:

For behold, his designs were to stir up the Lamanites to anger against the Nephites; this he did that he might usurp great power over them, and also that he might gain power over the Nephites by bringing them into bondage.

-Alma 43:8, referring to Zarahemnah

Trials, Questions, and Faith

A good quote from Keith H. Meservy out of the OT Student manual:

“It is difficult to live with tension, but mortality—where we see through the glass darkly—is filled with it. There are always ultimate answers to what may appear to be meaninglessness or inexplicability in our lives, though these are not immediately apparent to us, the Lord however, has promised to supply them—eventually (D&C 121:28–32; 101:27–35). Any individual who insists that a good religious belief must explain all of life’s contingencies if it is to be believable and acceptable, should re-read Job or take counsel from Elder Harold B. Lee who affirmed:

“‘It is not the function of religion to answer all questions about God’s moral government of the universe, but to give courage (through faith) to go on in the face of questions he never finds the answer to in his present status. Therefore, take heed of yourselves, and as a wise world thinker once said, “If the time comes when you feel you can no longer hold to your faith, then hold to it anyway. You cannot go into tomorrow’s uncertainty and dangers without faith”‘ (Church News, source not quoted).” (Keith H. Meservy, “Job: ‘Yet Will I Trust in Him,’” pp. 139–53.)

Mine Integrity

Often I've heard and cited Job's declaration, "til I die I will not remove mine integrity from me." But I never really looked at the context of the chapter, and assumed that Job was referring to the fact that he refused to renounce his faith in the face of his adversity. While that is true of Job, this particular declaration doesn't exactly come in that context.

In chapter 27, Job is in the midst of defending himself against his friends, who repeatedly insist that Job's woes must be a punishment from God and that he needs to repent. Job goes on, "My righteousness I hold fast, and will not let go: my heart shall not reproach me so long as I live." (Job 27:6) Job is saying that he won't remove his integrity in the sense that he won't give in to the temptation to second-guess his life, to fall into self-reproach, or to assume that God was punishing him when he had committed no great sin. He was whole through His redeemer, and his virtue endowed him with confidence.

I can certainly learn from that example, as confidence is not a strong suit of mine. Are false modestly, second-guessing, and questioning the trials I receive all forms of "remov[ing] mine integrity from me" or denying the Atonement in my life? Trials come in large part because that is what we signed up for when we came to Earth. Of course there are things that we should learn form our trials and ways that we should be refined, but if we are on the Savior's path we needn't feel that we are less that whole because our trials might seem punishing.

When the Cloud Rested

An excerpt from my personal journal:

Reading in Numbers 9 about the camp of Israel. It is almost humorous how many times it is written that Israel camped when the cloud rested on the tabernacle, and journeyed when it was lifted. No matter how long or short the stay or the journey, they obeyed. I tried to think of why it was emphasized so many times and how it relates to life. I do try to follow where the Lord wants me to go, but I think it can be more frustrating when we are led to stay in one spot for days or months or years. At those times we begin to question the Lord's plan, to wonder what we are doing wrong or what we haven't already learned in that place. But I am sure there can be as much to be learned from staying as from moving, and I think I need to figure out how to just be sometimes, especially as a mom.

The funny thing is, we have moved on average once a year since we were married, and just found out that we will be moving again in just a few months! But as far as my life goes, the physical packing and moving is a repetition resulting from being the the same transient, student stage for a long while. So I am staying and I am moving at the same time. Ha!

A Soft Answer

I love this quote from Elder Zwick:

The writer of Proverbs counsels, “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” (Proverbs 15:1). A “soft answer” consists of a reasoned response—disciplined words from a humble heart. It does not mean we never speak directly or that we compromise doctrinal truth. Words that may be firm in information can be soft in spirit.

I have a hard enough time doing this now when my kids are little; I need a lot of practice in composure and self-control before they become teenagers!

This also reminds me of the word "meek" and how my understanding of it has been affected by the misguided worldly perception that it is synonymous with "weak." Meekness is a vital spiritual strength and attribute of Christ.

Meekness, however, is more than self-restraint; it is the presentation of self in a posture of kindness and gentleness, reflecting certitude, strength, serenity, and a healthy self-esteem and self-control.

-Neal A. Maxwell

Those are things I could certainly use more of on a daily basis.

Teach them...

In the last months I have been working and pondering a lot on being a better parent and teaching my children the Gospel more effectively. Tonight's reading of Alma's counsel to his sons was right to the point.

What should I focus on?

[T]each them an everlasting hatred against sin and iniquity. Preach unto them repentance, and faith on the Lord Jesus Christ; teach them to humble themselves and to be meek and lowly in heart; teach them to withstand every temptation of the devil, with their faith on the Lord Jesus Christ. Teach them never to be weary of good works, but to be meek and lowly in heart, or such shall find rest to their souls. O remember my son, and learn wisdom in thy youth; yea, learn in thy youth to keep the commandments of God.

-Alma 37:32-35

How should I go about it?

And I would that ye would be diligent and temperate in all things.

-Alma 38:10

Use boldness, but not overbearance; and also see that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love; see that ye refrain from idleness.

-Alma 38:12

This last one was especially poignant as earlier in the evening we had a drawn out conflict with our oldest, who was bent on fighting about everything and being contrary, alternating between throwing a fit in his room and coming downstairs to provoke the fight again. I was on my last strand of patience, and it took all of my self control to keep my voice low and remind him of what we had already told him several times. After several prayers I was able to calm down, get him calmed down, and we had a productive talk about what "Godly sorrow" means and how we behave when we are truly sorry and want to change our behavior instead of starting the fight anew. It required me bridling my passion of anger and frustration for me to be filled with love and to better address my child's need. It's something I need to do more often and more consistently!

The miracle of stress.

I thought this clip about stress was pretty amazing, and made me wonder at what amazing creations our bodies really are. It is easy to see how our bodies respond in just the way Heavenly Father promises us they will (i.e. if we have faith, even trials will turn to our good).



Here's a little Russell M. Nelson for you to add some icing to the cake:

Line upon Line

This article was posted over at Middle-Age Mormon Man today, and I love it. It talks about how we receive revelation (usually not as one huge, overwhelming experience), and how we can grow to discern between the Spirit and our own thoughts and emotions. I need to study it again because my 4-year-old was asking me to play on the computer the whole time I was reading it!

Line upon Line, Precept upon Precept

Stress, Speaking, and Calm.

I have been a bit uptight lately. And when I say uptight, I mean I go between wanting to scream and cry several times daily. We are getting ready to move, the house is far from being ready for our renters, I have two kiddos in the won't-listen-until-you-force-them stage, one newly potty-trained and one who is regressing (probably because I'm stressed out, making this a seriously vicious cycle), both who enjoy pushing the other's buttons. And my husband is studying twelve hours a day for an exam he will take less than 24 hours before we need to vacate our house, so I am mostly on my own with all of this. The main result seems to be that my patience is much thinner than usual (and it really isn't that good in general), and my kiddos only get attention when they demand it. Not good.

I read this blog post today and it is so true! Even though I don't like it, my attitude and my demeanor set the tone for our home. Sure, the kids may throw a tantrum even when I am being perfectly mild, but they won't snap back out of it if I melt down with them. And I have been melting down way too much lately. I needed some guidance and some buoying up for the next two weeks of craziness before *hopefully* things settle down after we move, and going back to General Conference did not disappoint in that regard (it never does!). There are some real gems that were hard truths for me right now when I've got some repenting to do:

Sister Wixom on The Words We Speak
Elder Scott, For Peace at Home

As overwhelming as life can sometimes be with three little dictators making constant demands, it is comforting to be reminded that all those little things I try to do really can add up to make a difference, and that they matter. I need to remember that, say a prayer, invite the Spirit, take a deep breath, and keep it together, because if my children can't confidently lean on me in the meantime, I can't guide them to the Rock where they need to build their foundation.

Seeking Perfection Without Being a Perfectionist

This article in BYU Magazine was so spot on for me!  You can read it here.

Here are the first two paragraphs as a teaser:

We are all familiar with the New Testament scripture “Be ye therefore perfect” (Matt. 5:48). The pursuit of perfection is holy, and those who center their lives on this pursuit are blessed. But, as with every good and holy thing, Satan is on hand to sabotage our efforts. BYU clinical professor of counseling psychology Marleen S. Williams (BS ’87) suggests that “because becoming perfect through Christ is a powerful and important doctrine, Satan . . . comes up with a counterfeit. The counterfeit is often set up to look very much like the real thing, but it differs in important ways. . . . Perfectionism is a counterfeit of real spirituality and is easily confused.”¹

Satan’s counterfeit promotes the belief that everything must be done perfectly right now. Such an expectation runs counter to the whole purpose of God’s eternal plan—which purpose is for us to gain experiences, to learn from them, and to grow. God’s counsel to the early Saints was to “continue in patience until ye are perfected” (D&C 67:13). Satan’s deceptive and cunning approach is to convince us that if we want God’s approval, we must do more than we know how or are prepared to do. That naturally sets the stage for developing feelings of being overwhelmed and discouraged—by ourselves and often by those around us. In this and other areas, Satan’s strategy does not require that we commit great sins. He just needs to keep us distracted from things of eternal consequence.

Spiritual Toddlers

I love this quote from President Uchtdorf in the Priesthood session of this last General Conference:

It can be discouraging at times to know what it means to be a son of God and yet come up short. The adversary likes to take advantage of these feelings. Satan would rather that you define yourself by your sins instead of your divine potential. Brethren, don’t listen to him.

We have all seen a toddler learn to walk. He takes a small step and totters. He falls. Do we scold such an attempt? Of course not. What father would punish a toddler for stumbling? We encourage, we applaud, and we praise because with every small step, the child is becoming more like his parents.

Now, brethren, compared to the perfection of God, we mortals are scarcely more than awkward, faltering toddlers. But our loving Heavenly Father wants us to become more like Him, and, dear brethren, that should be our eternal goal too. God understands that we get there not in an instant but by taking one step at a time.

I do not believe in a God who would set up rules and commandments only to wait for us to fail so He could punish us. I believe in a Heavenly Father who is loving and caring and who rejoices in our every effort to stand tall and walk toward Him. Even when we stumble, He urges us not to be discouraged—never to give up or flee our allotted field of service—but to take courage, find our faith, and keep trying.

Our Father in Heaven mentors His children and often sends unseen heavenly help to those who desire to follow the Savior.

Learning and Little Ones

I feel that in today's General Conference sessions, as well as in April Conference, there was a lot of focus on children. And right now, little children are my life. I have to admit that I don't always relish that fact like I should. I am not very pleasant when I am sleep deprived, and I have a rather low tolerance for whining. These combined facts have lately made me guilty on a daily basis of that sin for which it is said that being tied to a millstone and drowned would be a merciful punishment: offending my little ones.

I seem to be always snapping or losing patience with some little fellow, always getting on the wrong side of the line between disciplining and punishing, always forgetting that these are pure and innocent beings that I am dealing with. And I think that motherhood is meant to be that way. If anything has shown me my weakness, it is being at home all day with three boys three and under. Most of the time I feel like I am a disaster. But at the same time I know that this time is precious, both because of the sweetness of being with these little ones and because of the joy that comes from turning to the Lord in my weakness and receiving the comfort that I can be made strong through Him.

So I'll keep reminding myself that babies sleep eventually, that my bathroom won't be a cesspool forever (they are bound to learn to aim at some point, right?), that one day my house will actually stay clean after I clean it and I won't find Cheerios in every nook, cranny, and crevice, and that when that day comes, I will cherish and miss these sweet days surrounded by little ones--diapers, Cheerios, and all.

A laugh or two courtesy of a good Father.

Head on over to see my guest post on For the Love!

More on patience and perfection.

My brothren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.      -James 1:2-4

I already posted somewhat about patience in suffering bringing about our perfection. I love how this verse emphasizes that point - that when we allow our trials to work in us, patience has its "perfect work," making us "perfect and entire." Patience makes us whole! And the last phrase gives me an idea of one way that patience makes us whole: we want nothing. I think that more often than not, "wanting nothing" doesn't mean that we have everything we might want. Far from it! I think that it means that by exercising patience in trial, we learn to let go of the things that we want but that aren't God's will for us right now. We learn to be content with what the Lord has given us and are willing to wait on the promises He has made for as long as we need to. We learn to choose happiness regardless of our circumstances. And then we are whole, wanting nothing.

Blessed is the man that endureth temptation: for when he is tried he shall receive the crown of life...  -James 1:12

Now the God of peace, that brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, through the blood of the everlasting covenant, make you perfect in every good work to do his will, working in you that which is well-pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ...  -Hebrews 13:20-21

Faith and Suffering: Hebrews 11

I've read the beginning of Hebrews 11 many times in lessons about faith. It recites many familiar examples sacrifices that were made by faith and of the miracles that resulted. But I missed something huge at the end of the chapter. The recital turns to examples of people whose suffering was not rewarded in this life.

And others had trial of cruel mockings and scourgings, yea, moreover of bonds and imprisonment: They were stoned, they were sawn asunder, were tempted, were slain with the sword: they wandered about in sheepskins and goatskins; being destitute, afflicted, tormented; (Of whom the world was not worthy:) they wandered in deserts, and in mountains, and in dens and caves of the earth. And all these having obtained a good report through faith, received not he promise:
[and here is where the Joseph Smith Translation makes a HUGE difference]

God having provided some better things for them through their sufferings, for without sufferings they could not be made perfect.                      -Hebrews 11:36-40

It's amazing to me how I find certain themes popping up in my study at certain times in my life. I don't think it's any coincidence that I studied this chapter, then our Relief Society lesson yesterday was on the same talk about the Atonement and pain that I just posted recently. The teacher read a quote (which I should find and put here) about how parents should not try to keep their children from all suffering, because it is for their good. It reminded me about how I feel each time Ethan has a surgery or any other procedure--I want to take it all away! I feel like I would do anything to take his place. But the Lord knows Ethan, and he will be perfected through the trials designed specifically for him.

Chapter 12 of Hebrews continues on the theme of enduring trials, suffering, and chastisement.

My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of him: For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not?  v. 5-7

Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.  v. 11

I think that many people center their case against God around the idea that a loving god would not allow us to suffer. Or would not allow us to suffer for very long. Or would not allow some people to suffer more than others. But I say that god would be a pointless god. Why even put us here if the only purpose is for everyone to feel good and then come back? That was Lucifer's plan! Sounds attractive, but how would we learn to love each other or Him? I am not saying that God relishes in our suffering, but He allows it because He knows that it will ultimately bring us greater joy in the long run. We come to know Christ as we endure hard trials. We come to know Christ as we reach out and alleviate the suffering of others. We need those experiences. I am grateful to know that our Father has a purpose for us, and uses this time on earth as an intense schooling through which each individual can be perfected through Christ and prepared for the limitless opportunities of eternity.

Pain and the Atonement

My mom hurt her back a few weeks ago. I read this talk with her today over the phone. I think we both needed it. Warning: it is a tear-jerker.

Kent F. Richards, "The Atonement Covers All Pain," Conference Report, April 2011.