"One Thing Needful" by Patricia Holland

https://www.lds.org/ensign/1987/10/one-thing-needful-becoming-women-of-greater-faith-in-christ?lang=eng

Just so, so on point.

Talmage on Homemaking (Mary and Martha)

By inattention to household duties, the little touches that make or mar the family peace, many a woman has reduced her home to a comfortless house; and many another has eliminated the essential elements of home by her self-assumed and persistent drudgery, in which she denies to her dear ones the cheer of her loving companionship. One-sided service, however devoted, may become neglect. There is a time for labor inside the home as in the open; in every family time should be found for cultivating that better part, that one thing needful—true, spiritual development.

-James E. Talmage, Jesus the Christ.

Training of Children

From Uncle Tom's Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe:

"Since training children is the staple work of the human race," said Augustine, "I should think it something of a consideration that our system does not work well there."

Feminism and the Church

A great treatise by Bruce and Marie Hafen.

Women, Feminism, and Gender

Filling our Homes with Light and Truth

Here is the talk I gave a couple of weeks ago in Sacrament Meeting. Of course, when I gave it it came out materially different than how it is written; some things were added, some changed, and some excluded altogether. But here is the written version (mostly for my own benefit).

[Here I have chosen to excerpt the banal introduction I gave of our family]

I was asked to choose a talk on marriage and family from the Women’s Session of April General Conference, and am going to base my comments on Sister Cheryl A. Esplin’s remarks, entitled, “Filling our Homes with Light and Truth.”

Having four little boys, this topic is always a concern for me to certain extent, but I feel it has been dwelling in my mind and heart more particularly as we have moved and settled into our first semi-permanent home and our older boys are getting to the age where they are figuring out what the Gospel means and how it applies to us. The duty to make my home a place of peace and refuge, safe even from my own temper and impatience, presses on upon me frequently. As the Savior said to Joseph Smith, I have commanded you to bring up your children in light and truth. (D&C 93:40)

The Soda Can

Sister Esplin spoke of an example that she had seen demonstrated at a meeting many years ago. The presenter showed two soda cans. One was empty, and the other was unopened and filled with soda. The presenter then squeezed each can. The empty can was, of course, easily crushed, while the full can was impervious to the presenter’s grip.

Satan’s Efforts

We all know that the world is full of influences that seek to destroy our spiritual foundations and capitalize on any weakness that may be found in our homes. Sister Esplin said this: Satan knows that in order for us and our families to withstand the pressures of the world, we must be filled with light and gospel truth. So he does everything in his power to dilute, distort, and destroy the truth of the gospel and to keep us separated from that truth.

Satan has a remarkable ability to deceive, confuse, and imitate truth, and as a result we live among conditions long foretold where many put evil for good and good for evil (Isaiah 5:20). It can be a confusing place for anyone, no matter our age or experience. But if our goal is for our homes to be filled with light, you can see really how dangerous it is to confuse light and darkness. In order to combat Satan’s efforts, we must have a keen sense of spiritual discernment. This requires us to be sensitive to the promptings of the Holy Ghost through our obedience and loyalty to the Savior, His Gospel, and His chosen servants.

I am going to share one area where Satan is placing particular emphasis in our day: the doctrine of the family.  In another talk from the Women’s Session, Sister Oscarson counseled us to be defenders of the Family Proclamation, particularly of marriage, of the roles of mothers and fathers, and of the sanctity of the home.

Because the family is a topic close to our hearts, bringing much joy in many cases and unfortunately bringing much pain in others, it can be a sensitive one to talk about. Satan is quick to turn that sensitivity into offense, defensiveness, confusion, and contention. These reactions can quickly drive the Spirit out of a discussion or prevent us from receiving counsel in the spirit in which it is intended. In order to stand up as defenders of the truth, we need to know it, to understand it in its varied nuances and applications, and to receive the confirmation of the Holy Ghost so that we can testify of it with purity and power.

Each of us has a different set of experiences, blessings, trials, and gifts that will enable us to understand and defend the family and other gospel truths in special and unique ways. By utilizing this storehouse of all of our collective contributions, the Lord can combat Satan’s forces and gather His sheep from out of the world according to the needs of each individual or circumstance. That requires all of us to develop our own testimonies and refine our gifts in order to be able to be a part of that force on the Lord’s side.

Sister Esplin put it this way: Many of us have been baptized and have received the gift of the Holy Ghost, whose role it is to reveal and teach the truth of all things. With the privilege of that gift comes the responsibility to seek truth, to live the truth we know, and to share and defend the truth.

This idea of having a responsibility to seek, live, and defend truth was really impressed upon me one day in my constitutional law class during my first year of law school. We were speaking about the constitutional implications of California’s Proposition 8, which amended the California Constitution to specify the definition of marriage as between one man and one woman, and which was on the ballot at the time. As law professors are wont to do, he asked us for our analysis, and then challenged our responses (which is a nice way of saying that he summarily shot down most everything we said; at the time it seemed to me that this was the main job of law professors). Then he said something that has stuck with me ever since, and that was that we as law students and members of the Church need to be able to articulate our opinions and beliefs to the world in the terms that they understand. In our case, those terms were the terms of the law, and if I was going to say that the definition of marriage should remain between one man and one woman, I needed to be able to give a cogent constitutional analysis and be able to dig up the jurisprudence to support my opinion. The Lord needs people who can articulate His position and stand for it in every type of venue, and if I was receiving the gift of a legal education, I needed to put in the time and effort to consecrate that gift for the defense of truth in my sphere.

It certainly is not just lawyers who the Lord needs to use our gifts and experiences to stand up and defend the home and family; it is all of us. As I have mentioned, my husband John, for example, has a very different educational background from me. Last year during a clinical rotation in psychiatry, John commented to me that without fail, every patient that he saw with severe ongoing problems had some sort of family trauma or abuse in their past. He was reminded how important strong, righteous families are and how much damage can be done when parents don’t provide that for their children. His experiences will enable him to defend Gospel truths regarding the family in a much different way than I can. We can each fill our lives with light and truth by standing up to defend our homes and families through righteous living and by consecrating our talents and experiences to the Lord’s work.

Filling with Lesser Things

Another way that Satan seeks to distract us is by having us fill up our lives with things of lesser value, so that there is less room for light and truth in our lives and homes. Having little children at home has given me a lot of new perspective on what kind of media I want in my home and for myself personally. Whenever my kids are awake, if the TV is on it is usually a children’s show, and when they are asleep, I am usually too tired to watch anything geared toward adults. This has led to a kind of default media purge on my part, and I found that when I do see grown-up TV shows and commercials now, I am much more sensitive to the images, the messages, the innuendo, and the influences that I don’t want my children to see. And I began to think, if I don’t want my children to see this, does my Father want me to see it? Is it worthy of my time and attention?

When considering any media in our home, I think we could do well to ask ourselves these questions: (1) Is this something that would offend the Savior if He were watching with me? Would I feel the need to skip parts or change the channel? Would I find myself trying to justify or explain my viewing choice because of the images or language included? (2) What messages are being communicated to my family in this show? Pretty much any show, whether it be a drama, a comedy, or a documentary, has some kind of message. Some of the more dangerous messages are communicated to us without our recognizing them because they are weaved into a funny story or we say, “It’s just entertainment.” How are the women being treated and portrayed in the media we consume? How about the men? What are the attitudes about marriage and family? Is there irreverence toward God or others? (3) Do I feel uplifted and closer to my Savior after participating in this media, or do I feel farther away? Does the media I consume meet the standard set in the 13^th Article of Faith; is it virtuous, lovely, of good report, or praiseworthy (and not just for its comic appeal or special effects)?

The same could go for the music we listen to, the books we read, the art we view, and anything with which we fill our time and our homes. If we want to be filled with light and truth, we need to make room for it and not crowd it out with things of lesser value.

How to Fill Up

Now that we have opened up some space for more light and truth to enter, so to speak, how do we keep that space properly filled? Sister Esplin continued: When filled with the Spirit and with gospel truth, we have the power to withstand the outside forces of the world that surround and push against us. However, if we are not filled spiritually, we don’t have the inner strength to resist the outside pressures and can collapse when forces push against us.

If our homes are to be impervious to the attacks of the world, we need to consistently work to fill them with light and truth. And most of us know the “Primary answers” that teach us the basic things we need to do each day to fill ourselves up. For the word of the Lord is truth, and whatsoever is truth is light, and whatsoever is light is Spirit, even the Spirit of Jesus Christ. (D&C 84:45) As Sister Esplin said, We are continually counseled to increase our spiritual knowledge through prayer and through studying and pondering the scriptures and the words of the living prophets. 

Shortly after we had our first little boy Ethan, I recall thinking how the number of prayers and scripture study sessions in my life had multiplied in a few short years. When I was single, I worried only about my own personal scripture study and prayers. When John and I got married, I continued my own and we also tried to make it a priority to read and pray together daily. After Ethan was born he joined in on our routine, but then once he was big enough to understand a little, it was necessary to add a third separate family scripture study and prayer to the mix. At one point when I found myself short on patience or frustrated or down at home, I recall thinking how wise it was that the Lord had instructed us to have all of that study and prayer as we became parents, not just so that our children would learn, but because I needed so badly to be guided and taught constantly if I wanted to raise my children in light and truth.

I love this statement from Sister Esplin: Strong eternal families and Spirit-filled homes do not just happen. They take great effort, they take time, and they take each member of the family doing his or her part. Every home is different, but every home where even one individual seeks for truth can make a difference.

Consistent, Everyday Efforts

Having a home that is spiritually full means that every day we need to keep the counsel of prophets past and present, even when it seems that no one is listening or we can’t keep up or it isn’t making a difference. If we seek the Lord in prayer, He will consecrate our performance and our efforts to us, and that will make a great difference in what kind of foundation we and our children have to build on and how we will be able to withstand tests and trials in life.

This idea brings to mind an October 2009 talk by Elder David A. Bednar. He said, As our sons were growing up, our family did what you have done and what you now do. We had regular family prayer, scripture study, and family home evening. Now, I am sure what I am about to describe has never occurred in your home, but it did in ours.

Sometimes Sister Bednar and I wondered if our efforts to do these spiritually essential things were worthwhile. Now and then verses of scripture were read amid outbursts such as “He’s touching me!” “Make him stop looking at me!” “Mom, he’s breathing my air!” Sincere prayers occasionally were interrupted with giggling and poking. And with active, rambunctious boys, family home evening lessons did not always produce high levels of edification. At times Sister Bednar and I were exasperated because the righteous habits we worked so hard to foster did not seem to yield immediately the spiritual results we wanted and expected.

This seems like my life exactly! This last week, for example, I spent some extra time preparing something for Family Home Evening that I thought was fairly important for the boys. However, I ended up feeling like I spent most of the lesson trying to corral the boys and threatening to withhold the treat at the end if they didn’t sit down and listen. So I am particularly encouraged by what Elder Bednar shared next: 

Today if you could ask our adult sons what they remember about family prayer, scripture study, and family home evening, I believe I know how they would answer. They likely would not identify a particular prayer or a specific instance of scripture study or an especially meaningful family home evening lesson as the defining moment in their spiritual development. What they would say they remember is that as a family we were consistent.

Sister Bednar and I thought helping our sons understand the content of a particular lesson or a specific scripture was the ultimate outcome. But such a result does not occur each time we study or pray or learn together. The consistency of our intent and work was perhaps the greatest lesson—a lesson we did not fully appreciate at the time.

Elder Bednar then likened our efforts at home to a painting composed of thousands of tiny brushstrokes:  Each family prayer, each episode of family scripture study, and each family home evening is a brushstroke on the canvas of our souls. No one event may appear to be very impressive or memorable. But just as the yellow and gold and brown strokes of paint complement each other and produce an impressive masterpiece, so our consistency in doing seemingly small things can lead to significant spiritual results. “Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great” (D&C 64:33). Consistency is a key principle as we lay the foundation of a great work in our individual lives and as we become more diligent and concerned in our own homes.

I know that as we consistently strive to seek after the Lord and to invite His Spirit into our homes through our everyday obedience, He will grant us the guidance we need to keep our homes safe and filled with light. As He said, Blessed are all they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled with the Holy Ghost. (Matthew 5:6, 3 Nephi 12:6) If we seek daily to feed our Spirits just as surely as we seek to appease our hunger and nourish our bodies, we will be filled with the light and truth we seek.

The Temple

In addition to consistent study, prayer, and gospel teaching, our attendance at the temple will help us to fill our homes with light and truth. What better way to see and feel what a light-filled home should be like than to attend the very House of the Lord? As the Psalmist said, O send out thy light and thy truth: let them lead me; let them bring me unto thy holy hill, and to thy tabernacles. (Psalm 43:3) The mountain of the Lord is the standard to which our homes should aspire. That isn’t to say that we should beat ourselves up about having imperfect homes; that is an inevitability of life. I recall reading an account in the Ensign a few years ago in which a sister told about a cleaning assignment at the temple. The supervising Brother told the volunteers that they were not there to clean things that were dirty, but to keep that sacred place from every becoming dirty; to keep it unspotted. (“Unspotted From the World,” July 2012) My first thought was, if my home is supposed to be like the temple, I am never going to manage that! What’s the point? And of course in that line of thought, I entirely missed the point.

Just as we aspire to build ideal families even though inevitably that isn’t possible for everyone, we can aspire to make our homes clean both temporally and spiritually so that the Spirit can dwell in them. Just because we can’t achieve an ideal doesn’t mean that its shining example is not of value! By definition an ideal is a state of perfection, an ultimate objective and not a working model. But day by day we work in our own homes, and the more we see and bring that reminder of the Lord’s sacred house and the eternal family formed therein, the better we can better shape our homes according to that image.

We talk of Christ

And my final and most basic point centers in the One who is the center of everything we do in the Church and in our homes, who Himself is the way, the truth, and the life¸and the Light of the World. Paul counseled the Ephesians to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God. (Ephesians 3:19) Weekly we are reminded that if we always remember Christ, we may always have His spirit to be with us. Nephi said, And we talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our children may know to what source they may look for a remission of their sins. (2 Nephi 25:26) Christ Himself said, he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life. (John 8:12)

If we want our homes to be filled with light and truth, we must make Him feel at home there through the things with which we fill our space, our time, and our hearts. If our hearts are set on Him and our priority is helping our family members come to know and follow Him, His spirit will fill our homes and make them safe havens from the pressures of the outside world.

I am so grateful for the peace and the assurance that comes from that promise, and particularly for what it means for my children. Despite my failings and imperfections, if I press on, seeking and defending truth, teaching it consistently, seeking it in the Lord’s house, and following Him who is its very definition, my children will know to what source they may look for light and truth, redemption and forgiveness.

I know that Christ lives. He loves us. He wants to bless and guide and comfort us. He is our advocate with the Father, which to me as an attorney means He is on our side, understanding our motives, looking for every possible argument in our favor, and seeking forgiveness and leniency for our sins and mistakes. If we make room for Him in our homes by loving Him and keeping His commandments, He will fill them with His presence, which is light and truth. As he said, If a man love me, he will keep my words: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with him. (John 14:23)

Memorizing.

I want to work on memorizing again. There is power in writing the word of the Lord in our brains, which helps the Spirit write it in our hearts. Also, the combination of my horrible mommy brain with starting to do estate planning make me worried about Alzheimer's! I am going to shoot for one scripture or quote a week (let's ignore the fact that I am already behind). To start, this one from Ezra Taft Benson stood out:

The great task of life is to learn the will of the Lord and then do it.

The great commandment of life is to love the Lord.

-Ezra Taft Benson, April 1988

I am also going to try to at least familiarize myself with each quote in Spanish and Japanese, so here are those, too.

El gran labor de la vida es averiguar cuál es la voluntad del Señor y luego obedecerla.

El gran mandamiento de la vida es amar al Señor.

人生における大きなる務めは主の御心を知り、それを行うことです。

人生における大きなる戒めは主を愛することです。

Teaching and Showing

And thou shalt teach them ordinances and laws, an shalt shew them the way wherein they must walk, and the work that they must do.

Exodus 18:20

This was a good reminder tonight that while the laws and ordinances of God must be taught, my children will really only learn how to walk in the covenant and apply the Gospel through example. Too often I don't live up to the bar I try to set for them, but I hope at least they see me trying and repenting and changing so that they will know the way.

"A Large Family of Small Children"

I am starting to understand where this sister is coming from...

https://www.lds.org/ensign/1986/03/a-large-family-of-small-children?lang=eng

Today as I headed into the doctor's office, a woman was waiting for me to get my boys out of my car so she could get into hers. The usual ensued: "Three boys! Wow! You must be busy! . . . Oh, and you're having another! Do you know what it is? . . . Another boy! Wow. . ."

That wow is too often accompanied by a look of pity, because obviously we only had more children on the off chance that we might get a girl instead of another boy, and now we had failed and were stuck with four boys. I wish I had the time and words to explain, "No, this is awesome! We are so excited and blessed to have four boys! Our life is great, even if it's crazy, and even if it's not anything like yours." I don't know exactly how many children we will have or when we will have them; The Lord doesn't tend to give me information about life decisions until they need to be made. But I feel with this one I have already crossed the threshold into what the world considers that land of "crazy" people who have too many kids. I hope I can be a really happy crazy person that teaches many children to be good, loving, Christlike people.

"Women of Righteousness"

This talk from Elder Ballard is amazing, and amazingly timely, given in 2002. Satan is surely working on undermining the divine role of women in these latter days. It was hard to pick a favorite quote (seriously; read the whole thing!), but here is one:

Every sister in this Church who has made covenants with the Lord has a divine mandate to help save souls, to lead the women of the world, to strengthen the homes of Zion, and to build the kingdom of God. Sister Eliza R. Snow (1804–87), the second general president of the Relief Society, said that “every sister in this church should be a preacher of righteousness … because we have greater and higher privileges than any other females upon the face of the earth” (“Great Indignation Meeting,” Deseret Evening News, 15 Jan. 1870, 2).

Every sister who stands for truth and righteousness diminishes the influence of evil. Every sister who strengthens and protects her family is doing the work of God. Every sister who lives as a woman of God becomes a beacon for others to follow and plants seeds of righteous influence that will be harvested for decades to come. Every sister who makes and keeps sacred covenants becomes an instrument in the hands of God.

We just found out that our fourth baby will be another boy, and I hope that I can exemplify righteous womanhood to my sons and teach them to love, honor, respect, protect, care for, and follow the examples of the women around them.

The Typical Relief Society Sister: Who You Really Are

I love Sister Elaine Jack's perspective on comparisons and talents. So glad I came across this talk!

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1990/10/these-things-are-manifested-unto-us-plainly?lang=eng&query=support+husband

No greater heroine lives in today’s world than the woman who is quietly doing her part. Generally unsung, you live everywhere . . . You show your love for the Lord daily as you support husbands, nurture children, care for parents, benefit neighbors, serve in your schools, sit on community councils, and do much of the work of this world in and out of the home. No one is more impressive than you.

I promised to introduce you to the typical Relief Society sister.

The good news is that she actually does exist.

The better news is that she is wonderful.

The best news is that she’s you! And this is who you really are!

On the flip side, comparison can also lead us to be judgmental to others, not just to ourselves. Another more recent quote:

The adversary would have us be critical or judgmental of one another. He wants us to concentrate on our differences and compare ourselves to one another. . . .

[T]here is nothing that is worth us losing our compassion and sisterhood over. We just need to relax and rejoice in our divine differences. We need to realize that we all desire to serve in the kingdom, using our unique talents and gifts in our own ways. Then we can enjoy our sisterhood and our associations and begin to serve. . . .

If there are barriers, it is because we ourselves have created them. We must stop concentrating on our differences and look for what we have in common; then we can begin to realize our greatest potential and achieve the greatest good in this world.

-Sister Bonnie L. Oscarson, April 2014

As we stop comparing not only will we see who we really are, we will also who our sisters really are, and will be filled with charity--the watchword of our organization--in a greater measure.

A Keeper on Education in the Home

"The Home as an Educational Institution" by G. Homer Durham, April 1979 General Conference.

Gratitude, Mother's Day, and The Book of Mormon

Saturday was one of those days. I spent all morning diligently working and cleaning and the house was still a disaster. Loads of dishes, loads of laundry, loads of trash, and still I barely seemed to be scratching the surface. John was off studying for his exam this week, and I started to feel a little frustrated and sorry for myself on this Mother's Day weekend. Then the thought came, "I am going about this all wrong. This Mother's Day I really should focus on celebrating the three beautiful boys who gave and continue to give me the joy and privilege of motherhood."

I have been given a wonderful gift that not everyone has been able to have in mortality though they desired it with all their hearts and certainly merited the gift more than I. And I have been given that gift during an amazing era where those obnoxious daily chores are merely obnoxious and not all-encompassing daily efforts. I can read whatever I want online at my leisure. I have machines that wash my dishes and clothes. I am starting a career and everything I need I have at my fingertips in the comfort of my own home. All of this I have as a sit on a foundation laid by so many mothers before me who did so much with so much less than I have at my disposal.

Why is it that it is so easy to forget our blessings and to be ungrateful? My complaining to myself, viewed in light of all of my blessings and advantages, seems so selfish and petty, and yet I fall into that trap daily.

I think that one of the central themes of the Book of Mormon is gratitude and remembrance. We are reminded both in the introduction and closing remarks of the Book that this is part of its purpose:

Which is to show unto the remnant of the house of Israel what great things the Lord hath done for their fathers; and that they may know the covenants of the Lord, that they are not cast off forever.  -Title Page

Behold, I would exhort you that when ye shall read these things, if it be wisdom in God that ye should read them, that ye would remember how merciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men, from the creation of Adam even down until the time that ye shall receive these things, and ponder it in your hearts
-Moroni 3:3

I can't begin right now to list all the times in the Book of Mormon where the prophets counsel the people to remember how the Lord has blessed them and to live accordingly. In the spirit of that Book which has had the greatest impact in my life, I will make a greater effort to be grateful daily for the amazing blessings which are mine, and to cheerfully do the duty that falls upon me as a recipient of those blessings.

Teach them...

In the last months I have been working and pondering a lot on being a better parent and teaching my children the Gospel more effectively. Tonight's reading of Alma's counsel to his sons was right to the point.

What should I focus on?

[T]each them an everlasting hatred against sin and iniquity. Preach unto them repentance, and faith on the Lord Jesus Christ; teach them to humble themselves and to be meek and lowly in heart; teach them to withstand every temptation of the devil, with their faith on the Lord Jesus Christ. Teach them never to be weary of good works, but to be meek and lowly in heart, or such shall find rest to their souls. O remember my son, and learn wisdom in thy youth; yea, learn in thy youth to keep the commandments of God.

-Alma 37:32-35

How should I go about it?

And I would that ye would be diligent and temperate in all things.

-Alma 38:10

Use boldness, but not overbearance; and also see that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love; see that ye refrain from idleness.

-Alma 38:12

This last one was especially poignant as earlier in the evening we had a drawn out conflict with our oldest, who was bent on fighting about everything and being contrary, alternating between throwing a fit in his room and coming downstairs to provoke the fight again. I was on my last strand of patience, and it took all of my self control to keep my voice low and remind him of what we had already told him several times. After several prayers I was able to calm down, get him calmed down, and we had a productive talk about what "Godly sorrow" means and how we behave when we are truly sorry and want to change our behavior instead of starting the fight anew. It required me bridling my passion of anger and frustration for me to be filled with love and to better address my child's need. It's something I need to do more often and more consistently!

The Family Stories that Bind Us

This is a really cool article posted earlier this year in The New York Times.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/03/17/fashion/the-family-stories-that-bind-us-this-life.html?pagewanted=1&_r=2&adxnnlx=1384968298-DwqHlAH7D4YIh/JZFGCwrw

Turns out family history is just as important for us to know as it is for us to "do." So true!

Stress, Speaking, and Calm.

I have been a bit uptight lately. And when I say uptight, I mean I go between wanting to scream and cry several times daily. We are getting ready to move, the house is far from being ready for our renters, I have two kiddos in the won't-listen-until-you-force-them stage, one newly potty-trained and one who is regressing (probably because I'm stressed out, making this a seriously vicious cycle), both who enjoy pushing the other's buttons. And my husband is studying twelve hours a day for an exam he will take less than 24 hours before we need to vacate our house, so I am mostly on my own with all of this. The main result seems to be that my patience is much thinner than usual (and it really isn't that good in general), and my kiddos only get attention when they demand it. Not good.

I read this blog post today and it is so true! Even though I don't like it, my attitude and my demeanor set the tone for our home. Sure, the kids may throw a tantrum even when I am being perfectly mild, but they won't snap back out of it if I melt down with them. And I have been melting down way too much lately. I needed some guidance and some buoying up for the next two weeks of craziness before *hopefully* things settle down after we move, and going back to General Conference did not disappoint in that regard (it never does!). There are some real gems that were hard truths for me right now when I've got some repenting to do:

Sister Wixom on The Words We Speak
Elder Scott, For Peace at Home

As overwhelming as life can sometimes be with three little dictators making constant demands, it is comforting to be reminded that all those little things I try to do really can add up to make a difference, and that they matter. I need to remember that, say a prayer, invite the Spirit, take a deep breath, and keep it together, because if my children can't confidently lean on me in the meantime, I can't guide them to the Rock where they need to build their foundation.

Seeking Perfection Without Being a Perfectionist

This article in BYU Magazine was so spot on for me!  You can read it here.

Here are the first two paragraphs as a teaser:

We are all familiar with the New Testament scripture “Be ye therefore perfect” (Matt. 5:48). The pursuit of perfection is holy, and those who center their lives on this pursuit are blessed. But, as with every good and holy thing, Satan is on hand to sabotage our efforts. BYU clinical professor of counseling psychology Marleen S. Williams (BS ’87) suggests that “because becoming perfect through Christ is a powerful and important doctrine, Satan . . . comes up with a counterfeit. The counterfeit is often set up to look very much like the real thing, but it differs in important ways. . . . Perfectionism is a counterfeit of real spirituality and is easily confused.”¹

Satan’s counterfeit promotes the belief that everything must be done perfectly right now. Such an expectation runs counter to the whole purpose of God’s eternal plan—which purpose is for us to gain experiences, to learn from them, and to grow. God’s counsel to the early Saints was to “continue in patience until ye are perfected” (D&C 67:13). Satan’s deceptive and cunning approach is to convince us that if we want God’s approval, we must do more than we know how or are prepared to do. That naturally sets the stage for developing feelings of being overwhelmed and discouraged—by ourselves and often by those around us. In this and other areas, Satan’s strategy does not require that we commit great sins. He just needs to keep us distracted from things of eternal consequence.

Defined by Motherhood.

As I was procrastinating my nightly chores (a bad habit, I know), I decided I would finally watch the new training on Strengthening the Family and the Church through the Priesthood. I noticed how almost all of the discussion in which the sisters were involved were centered on motherhood. I thought about how a lot of people might take offense at this, and how quick we are in general to take offense at things that conflict with our personal views instead of listening to the Spirit. I thought of how society tells women that in order to be successful, we need to define ourselves outside of motherhood and even womanhood. What a shame that we have come to the point that the title of "mother" isn't valued as an identity. I am confident that when I reach the end of my mortal life, what will define me most is what I have done with the title of Mother.

Ordinary Acts of Obedience

From President Packer's Conference talk:

Latter-day Saints recognize the transcendent importance of the family and strive to live in such a way that the adversary cannot steal into our homes. We find safety and security for ourselves and our children in honoring the covenants we have made and living up to the ordinary acts of obedience required of the followers of Christ.

Sometimes I really need these quotes that remind us of the ordinariness of most of what we do. If we expect life to be a stream of overwhelming spiritual experiences punctuated by lofty achievements, we will most likely be disappointed. Extra-ordinariness and importance are not equivalents.

When I was younger I was the type that wanted to have a hand in everything. I was in every club or activity I could manage, took every class, sought after every position. I wanted to have it all, and I thought that I was establishing the pattern for a successful life. (Little did I know, this kind of activity was only sustainable because high school really isn't as hard as real adult life.) 

Then I went to college, and got really involved in my YSA ward. Super-involved, just like I had been in high school. But when I thought about joining clubs or getting into student government, I just didn't feel the drive anymore. I had to choose, and I chose my callings, even though sometimes I worried what the effect would be on my resume.

After my mission, being focused on one single task for a year and a half, I was even less inclined to jump into everything I could. I picked one or two things that interested me in law school and joined in, but for the most part stayed aloof from the social workings of my class, and didn't even try to get on a law journal. I still worried about my resume, but by this time I was getting married and hoping to have children before long, so it just didn't seem worth it.

And now I am a stay-at-home mom. Sometimes I think of getting a part-time job so I can use my degree and bring in some much-needed income (and maybe even hire someone to do the dishes for me!), but always I come back to the fact that I need to be fully present at home right now. I personally need to learn focus on obeying in the simple, mundane things: learning to keep a house of order; learning to be patient, even when the whining is becoming unbearable; learning to value my calling as a visiting teacher as much as a Relief Society President, because they are equally important and their object is the same; learning to work, even when it isn't glamorous, because it is what others need. Those are the things that will bring peace and security to my home.

A great life is the culmination of a lot of ordinary acts of obedience and faith, and when we value our obedience based on our visibility, we are remiss--"thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly." (Matthew 6:4, 6, 18)

Elder Holland, you always make me cry.

In a good way.

“When you have come to the Lord in meekness and lowliness of heart and, as one mother said, “pounded on the doors of heaven to ask for, to plead for, to demand guidance and wisdom and help for this wondrous task,” that door is thrown open to provide you the influence and the help of all eternity. Claim the promises of the Savior of the world. Ask for the healing balm of the Atonement for whatever may be troubling you or your children. Know that in faith things will be made right in spite of you, or more correctly, because of you.

You can’t possibly do this alone, but you do have help. The Master of Heaven and Earth is there to bless you—He who resolutely goes after the lost sheep, sweeps thoroughly to find the lost coin, waits everlastingly for the return of the prodigal son. Yours is the work of salvation, and therefore you will be magnified, compensated, made more than you are and better than you have ever been as you try to make honest effort, however feeble you may sometimes feel that to be.” 

-Jeffrey R. Holland, “‘Because She Is a Mother’,” Ensign, May 1997, 35

Caregiving and Friends

I just watched this talk by President Eyring while I was folding laundry:

The Caregiver, General Relief Society Meeting October 2012

And a friend of mine from high school recently wrote this about mommyhood and making/being friends:

On Being a Good Friend

Both of them got me thinking tonight. I am super guilty of being a bad friend/not making friends. I am guilty of talking more than listening. I am guilty of neglecting even the people in my stewardship because I am too wrapped up in being self-conscious, too frustrated with kids, too concerned with the state of my house or nap schedules or even just that it is a pain to get my kids into shoes and strap them in the car.

Some of the scaling back is okay and needed in this season of my life, but some of it has become a layer of excuses for not engaging the way I should, for not investing myself in others, for not reaching out and loving selflessly because, let's face it, I'm overwhelmed as is and we'll be leaving soon anyway.

Satan is so tricky! Always trying to convince me that extending my love to others will increase my load rather than lightening it. Always trying to tell me that I will be happier as a hermit because it is easier, as if ease were a desirable objective in and of itself. I didn't have kids because it's easy, why should I keep us all cooped up in the house out of selfishness because that is easy? And guess what!? It actually isn't easier because we are all happier when we don't fall into that rut!

So I have been dragging myself out of the house. Getting dressed so I won't be embarrassed to see people. Taking my kids to the park and playing with them to boot. Visiting my sister and her kids who live 20 minutes from here but we would go weeks without seeing. Writing sincere notes, chatting, and calling people when I think about them. Visiting the sisters I am called to visit and love. And each time I am so happy! I am happy now just thinking of a couple of recent conversations! I know there is so much more I could be doing, but for now I am just working on opening myself up so that when opportunities come I can actually take them and enjoy them. There is a reason the Lord organizes His Church in communities; we are happier when we go outside ourselves, even if it is hard.